Al fine...

Well, dear readers, our year of blogging is up. I am 33.

As I re-read my very first post of a year ago, I reflect on where I was; I had a sense of heading into a Tunnel of transition - a dark and frightening one, at the end of which I truly believe was - is - bright light.

I'd say that the biggest surprise is how much joy there was to be found in that Tunnel. We don't have to know where we're going to enjoy the ride (not to suddenly start speaking "bumper sticker").

Am I closer to knowing what's at the end? Probably not. But perhaps that's what one's earthly life is - an ever-shifting Tunnel, one with a promise of light at the end which, at some times, seems nearer, than it does at others.

I do see very real evidence that by setting my sights higher on the horizon, by heading into this past singer's season with a better sense of my own value and values, I managed to scoot my way up a rung on the ladder.

Not that it's ever been about altitude. It's more about air quality.

I look back at the questions I had one year ago:

"How will I define myself within a business (opera) whose rules of engagement, politics, and definition of success, are so solidly etched, so unchangeable? How does my life, the person God created me to be, fit into that machine? And perhaps a followup to that question is, MUST I fit into it?"

If any progress has been made by this struggling human being this year, it is my understanding that my true happiness is begotten of recognizing the so-called 'machine' as the vehicle for my art - but that IT fits into ME. I am a slave to no one, and certainly not my singing career. I define it on my terms. There is so much living to do, that does not fall into the category of Accomplishment=Reward.

I sometimes fantasize that Europeans have a better sense of how to achieve that healthy balance, but I know, deep down, that it's a decision that comes from within, regardless of one's native country.

You know that I am still waiting for answers about what lies ahead, this coming season...whether or not I will officially leave church work behind and start the solo life of the soloist. Whether or not I will expand my horizons, my loves, my heart's focus, beyond work. I promise to return and post any updates, as a way of tying up any loose ends I am setting down at this moment.
And so, dear, faithful and few readers of my humble blog: I am grateful for you, for your support, for your empathy. It has been quite a ride.

Namaste.

"Just keep swimming...."

Still waiting for the fog to clear, so that I may see the road ahead more clearly.

One of today's projects is to record some songs from South Pacific (yes, really!) and dash off the mp3's to an artistic director.

There's really no point in analyzing the "why" of any of it right now, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.

Too many possibilities for this coming spring and year, too many potential conflicts.

Depending on what transpires over the next few weeks, I could either:

A. go on living life in the Bay Area, working at St. Stephen, SI, and the opera chorus, and juggling the solo gigs I already have confirmed, constantly apologizing to people as I work out conflicts (in other words, the usual shenanigans)

B. Start the new year down South, come back in time to sing for a brief but lovely weekend in La Jolla, then dash off to Utah for 9-10 weeks, returning in time to start rehearsals for next fall's Abduction.

Which means that I'd have no choice but to put in my notice at the church, and move, full-kilt into the life of a working singer.

Not to mention the fact that the gigs themselves may conflict with each other, which is a whole 'nother thing.

But as of today, I just don't know what's going to happen. Which is really bizarre, while I'm making the year's calendar for the Junior choir and planning their schedule through June.

Swimming, swimming.....

"be careful what you wish for..."

Many fishing lines out, as always - but the difference is, now I'm getting bites. I'm happy to report that finally, one of them, is from outside of California.

It is all too much to sort through, sometimes - especially with St. Stephen being the bubbling, festering lava pit of emotion and tension due to A. change, and B. resentment about the previous leadership - yesterday's meeting just the tip of the iceberg. That place - that job - is the most difficult and complicated impediment to my singing career. I need the steady income, but also need the freedom to be gone when I need to be. It's a constant fight.

But no matter, I must keep my eye on the horizon. I've come too far to lose focus now. But I must say, the year ahead is daunting.

totally overwhelmed....

The Meeting went reasonably well. Many important items were discussed. I felt the familiar tension that comes with feeling an irrational responsibility for everyone's happiness and comfort, sensitive to every lift of an eyebrow, every vocal tone. It wears me out.

The next step: calling all choir members today, and asking them to a meeting tomorrow morning, whereby G. and I will outline the changes (as in, I'm stepping down) and "get their feedback" (that's the politically correct way of making them feel a part of the decision - but it is made, my friends!).

This was followed by an invigorating session with D. I hadn't expected mountains to be moved, since we are at the note-learning stage of a role, and given the distracted state in which I arrived.... but it, instead, served as a visit back to my best self, the self that loves to sing and share with others, who is starting to truly be unfettered by feelings of inferiority, starting to accept and appreciate God's gift in a totally new way.

It made the prior meeting seem to fade into the distance.

I was approached last night with a very intriguing opportunity that could yield many wonderful things, but wreak havoc with my already confusing schedule and prospects (especially when it comes to St. Stephen, that ever-present millstone around my neck). Since I went to bed at 2am due to the opening night what-have-you, today is not the day to make decisions.

Still, I can't ignore the fact that this is a tumultuous year from the start, and decisions will be forced upon me right and left, whether or not I am ready for them.

Thank God I have a very inviting and engaging escape right now: The incomparable Jane Eyre.

The Meeting

Today is the meeting with the new pastor and G. I hope that we can come to a peaceful resolution that works for everyone. I hope I walk out of there with less responsibility, clarity, and peace about the coming year. And of course it has to happen on the same day as a voice lesson, opening night of Aida, and a very late night because of the party afterward. I feel tired just thinking about today.

I just pray that I will be in a positive space in time to see D. today. We have a lot of music to get through, and I can't be distracted by the church business.

Right now I feel angry and frustrated when I walk into that place. Yesterday was difficult. The first day back is always a bit depressing, because attendance is low. Keeping the kids coming back takes work, and time. It takes visits to classrooms, standing on my head, offering awards, keeping them engaged.

I don't mind all that, if I am happy with the way things are being run behind the scenes. Difficult to separate my irritation with the staff (adults) from my connection with the kids.

What gets old is being made to feel guilty that "we just spend so much money on music here". It was thrown up in my face again yesterday. I'm just like, if you don't have the money, or choose not to make it a priority, fire us all. If you don't fire us, then shut up about it.

I hate having to deal with all of this while I'd rather be working on my singing. Yet another day went by when I did not have time to practice and fill out applications. I went home really resentful - thankfully, I was so physically tired from the day that I fell asleep.

Just want to get through that crucial hour today...

Square One

I'm starting to feel like my old self again. Which means juggling St. Stephen and opera chorus, while keeping an eye on the audition notices and lining up the December NY trip.

In the meantime, I find myself back at Square 1: learning notes. I feel that familiar impatience rising in me - I'm always in such a hurry to get to the fun part, the rehearsing and staging of music I've already internalized....bringing a character to life.

I suppose it's harder, given the glow I feel when remembering the final product of Lucia. But I do remember being at this stage with her, too.

I wish the rest of my responsibilities would just go away, so that I can concentrate on Romilda. I have a meeting Friday, and I have a feeling it will take at least a couple weeks for me to extricate myself from the adult choir, for them to accept it, for the new system to get established. After 3 years there, I have to really fight to keep it from taking over my life. But I am determined to do this on my own terms. As my beloved G. herself said, "you can settle into a church job when you're 57, like me. But now is the time to devote to your God-given talent. Anyone can just sing, but not everyone can do what you do."

swing of things

If not thrilled, I'm at least starting to accept my present circumstances. I'm in familiar territory - juggling a schedule of opera chorus, church stuff, accompanying, and learning a new role - all while keeping one eye open for career-advancement opportunities, making several decisions every day in that department.

I'm finding it hard to find that "zen" place that came so easily to me over the summer. Even with all the adrenaline and excitement aside, the most wonderful aspect about being in the throes of a production is that, I am "allowed" to just be in the present moment, and put all else aside, all worries about what's next. It's a lovely way to live - and yet, I remind myself that it's a choice, that I can choose to live that way all the time.

It's just difficult when there is the reality that as a singer who's chosen a solo path, I work as an independent contractor, which means: it's not about the job I have, it's about constantly looking for the next one.

I will say this about the ridiculously inefficient rehearsal process for the opera chorus: I find myself with many paid hours spent waiting backstage, during which I can learn Romilda.