onward, Christian divas

Pastor Emeritus' blog post of last week discusses prayer - our concept of, and approach to, prayer. He underlined three important things to remember as we pray: 1. to just be where we are. Not to put our fears, concerns, bad moods, bad hair days, swollen vocal cords, "singer phlegm", and anger aside - but to just accept all of those things and start from that place. 2. trust in the most positive outcome - not just hope for it, but believe it to be already done. 3. Forgive others. Let go, and truly forgive.

And of course, our prayers do not change God. They change us.

These concepts came full circle as I went through rehearsals yesterday. As with most mornings right now, I did my best to take it easy physically, doing whatever exercise my instincts tell me is right for that day - not too much, not too little. And there is Facebook and the radio to keep me distracted as I wait to just jump in and do it already! By 4pm, I was reviewing the staging with my Tenor (his first day back after illness). There was some tension as his over-eager understudy advised him, and Tenor had his own (often conflicting) ideas - for me, it was an exercise in graciousness as I just rolled with it and tried to get along with everyone.

[I'm also hoping he's not still contagious, as we are obviously in close contact. I do not have an understudy].

Hence, by the dinner break I was exhausted. I drove to a quiet neighborhood to eat my leftover veggie burger and unplug for a while. It occurred to me that the worry is what is most exhausting, second only to the need to pretend that I am confident and comfortable in the role of prima donna. One can only uphold a charade for so many hours per day.

I find that I get depressed by the dinner break - I'm not sure if it's that I'm coming down off of caffeine, or a drop in blood sugar levels, etc. But yesterday I decided to give in to it, and just be tired. I just rested my eyes, there in the sanctuary of my car, played around on my phone, just decompressed. And while I was doing so, I remembered P.E.'s post.

It occurred to me that perhaps I might try to approach rehearsal with the same concepts in mind:

1. To just be where I am, in terms of A. my actual process of learning to sing this well and bringing the character to life, and also, B. my fear. Using my fear, and even celebrating it - letting it motivate the character, looking at it as a strength: that perhaps the image is not a cowering, fearful person - but more like a quivering, vulnerable, out-on-a-limb human being, courageously exposing one's true and imperfect self - which frankly, is the best state in which we connect with each other as artists, with our audience, with others offstage, and to God.

2. Trust in a positive outcome. This needs no elaboration.

3. Forgive - or perhaps better put in this context - let go. Let go of misgivings about whether or not I belong here.... the fact is, I'm here. Let go of that which I cannot control - board members sitting in on rehearsals unannounced, critics, who attends on which night, being liked or not (ooh, a big one).

I can't say I was a perfectly enlightened being when I arrived for the 7pm rehearsal last night, but my experience was markedly different, and I even felt more at peace. Whether it was evident to those seeing and hearing me, I don't know - but I felt that I had stronger footing.

The downside, of course, is that I was so elated from this small personal triumph, that I couldn't get to sleep last night.

What can I say? - I'm a work in progress.... and another day begins.

a tuneup for the spirit

It occurred to me that I haven't actually talked about the Lucia process thus far: the role now has a journey in my throat and mind, a series of peaks and valleys, some moments call for more special attention to technique than others...I feel secure (and validated by the director & conductor) in my acting choices, in the arc of the character, in my relationship to the others.

I am in love with my colleagues - they are perfectly suited to their roles, beautiful, charming, and interesting - they sing so well that I forget to worry about them. A nice change from what I'm used to.

My tenor is a bit of the "precious artist" - he has been out sick all week, and the momentum has been temporarily halted.

I have a feeling that this week will be long, difficult, and exhausting. All I can do is wait for it to get here.

It is depressing to have to switch gears and be a Sunday morning cantor tomorrow morning. But that's life.

Lest you think there was never a resolution to this week's "D. drama"......

From the time I started the "wind down" routine last night before bed, to this morning as I geared up: my every intention was to walk into D's studio today with a full and brave heart, to show him everything I am able to show to complete strangers, to be the artist I am when there is nothing to lose.

It was clear when I arrived, that he had also resolved to approach our lesson with a gentler and more objective hand. After a very positive recap of the week's events and spirited (ahem) communications, we got down to work. After the warmup, everything I sang from Lucia I did with the staging and intent, essentially walking that tightrope, naked, for all the world to see and judge. It scared the hell out of me, but I also felt that which only performing brings me - the thrill of being fully alive.

With reminders of where to pay special attention and remember certain technical considerations, his final response: "Brava. You are ready."

I wonder if he knows how his approval makes me spill over with elation.

on- and off-stage DRAMA

This week started very badly, and has since mellowed, like a fine wine.... it's not quite wonderful yet, but I can sense that it will only get better.

D. and I had what I can only call a gigantic "head butt" during Monday's lesson. We each left hurt and angry. As dramatic as it sounds, at the heart of it is this: we both felt the anxiety that came from my being away on vacation for the entire week before the beginning of Lucia rehearsals.

In that state, neither of us was being objective, nor rational.

Sad about how that had all gone down, I sought the counsel of The Two who know him best, and have often served as referee, and loving third party to the relationship with D..... they are to be commended for their patience and willingness to wade through this. I'm sure they have other things to do... yet they are unfailingly supportive, and will be in the audience with D. on opening night.

Their thoughts on the situation provided me with clarity, reassurance, and perspective.... all of which I completely lacked this week, as I went into MAJOR SURVIVAL MODE [this Lucia schedule is a thrilling roller coaster ride without a safety bar - the likes of which I have never experienced - I am already forgetting to eat, so I'm being careful to remind myself of the basics - we have staged the entire thing in 3 days. I have decided not to panic yet about the fact that my tenor has been out all week with bronchitis, so his cover is struggling through and my scenes with him are just a hot mess].....

Anyway, in a nutshell, I had come to Monday's lesson thinking of it as a "coming away" from My Beast, as a checking in of Vocal Technique in a sterile, "lab" setting. D. was expecting the whole picture, so that he might better envision the Artist as I would be presenting her to the director and conductor later that evening. The more shock tactics he tried to use to pull me out of my shell, the more I resisted, until finally we retreated to our corners, each waiting a couple of days to offer a defensive and emotionally-charged email to the other.

The Two offered a reminder of the Big Picture - mutual respect, and mutual goals. Everyone to your corners, please. TIME OUT!!

I was pondering it all the way home last night, and when I pulled up, in came a very formal and polite email (in response to a voice mail I left that morning) from himself, confirming my lesson time and the suggestion that on Saturday we "address any concerns and then move on in preparation for my performances".

I replied with 1. a reassurance that, given the positive feedback I'm getting from my directors, he had prepared me very well, 2. a reminder that I truly want to make him proud, and 3. a promise to be more brave.

His response to my "email love":

A very thorough treatise on "Io son l'umile ancella" from Adriana Lecouvrer - and an assignment to find YouTube clips of Tebaldi and Callas, demonstrating their abilities to "use music (pitch) as the means of conveying (acting) the musical setting."

I view his return to "lecture mode" as a sure sign that Peace Reigneth once again.

and so it begins

Well, after a week of totally "unplugging" in Hawaii, distracted by the new sights and sounds of a new place - Lucia is officially on.

Unfortunately, due to the jet lag and accumulated piles of chaos, I feel very off. At the moment, I'm trying to figure out the smartest way to be ready for the day (lesson with Dewey, after a week of no singing, then a costume fitting and first staging rehearsal, which starts with the aria).

I suppose, to paraphrase a quote of Meryl Streep's: "the best way to start, is by starting."

first dip in the pool

Because our tenor will have a conflict and the company is working around him, our first musical rehearsal was yesterday - two full weeks early.

I felt prepared, frustrated at some physical limitations due to being sick, but overall, totally ready. I didn't worry about being "fabulous", I just sang the plan as outlined in my preparation, with total sincerity and commitment.

I got zero feedback. I suppose I will just have to trust that if I don't get a comment of any kind, that what I'm doing is acceptable. I was irked when the conductor did compliment everyone else, but that's the way it goes.

The other singers are A-house, top-notch, world-class. I am in awe.

good points, other points

D. and I traveled quite a bit this week. Monday's lesson was probably doomed from the start given that I'd come from an hour with S., over-singing and trying to understand what I now confirm is bad technique - I was getting sick, and my throat just would NOT put up with any bullshit. I was also pissed that she wasn't focused on me at all. As diva-like as that sounds, I ampaying her $50/hour. I know that it's summer, and her life is all about the Program she runs - which further adds to the pile of frustrations and dashed hopes I have when it comes to my relationship with That Company.

That's what I mean about being doomed from the start. The worse I felt physically, the less I was able to respond to D. - which led him to dig his heels in even more, until, after 2 hours, we shut our scores and retreated to our corners. I left in a dizzy, teary blur - probably more due to fever than anything else, but I know he caught it. Within an hour he emailed me, with sober reminders of what went well that day. There was also a masked apology in there for two things: 1. Insisting on his version of things, as opposed to the version I've adopted according to BV. 2. Pushing me ahead to a passage I told him I hadn't had time to prepare for him, and then beating me over the head for not being prepared.

Today, while I do have a full-blown cold, he and I were still able to meet halfway in a calmer place, and with cooler heads we both had an "aha!" moment: that 95% of the problens he's after me about, are fixed when I support properly. When he discovered this, we both realized that this is what he needs to underline first.... chances are, it will fix the rest.

Also, the librarian in me strikes again: I mentioned seeing a piano marked in my score, which was leading me astray and off my support. He roared and bellowed in his charming way, and in a nutshell told me to "screw the dynamics. Those are for the orchestra. You are the leading lady."

I wonder if I will ever get comfortable being in this position? I think I need to get me somma this:

Beyonce has Sasha Fierce, after all...... I mean, look at that! Diva-licious!