self-Googling

I occasionally Google myself - not that I'm that narcissistic, but because I occasionally find myself listed on some weird sites, or random YouTube uploads, etc. and I like to stay on top of what's being put out there.

The other day I found photos of myself on the blog written by the guy who wrote our Tales of Hoffmann adaptation. I don't mind so much, because he was just talking about our costumes.

I was struck by how thin I was, which was validating, and a motivation to stick with my workout routine. But I was also struck by how miserable I looked. I think the one with the other leads captures my whole experience of that show: a kind of detached shoddiness to the whole thing.

Another reminder of what I've, thankfully, left behind.

the countdown

Oddly enough, I've reached an impasse here at the CPA firm, with nothing to do but answer phones and look mildly interested in my surroundings.

After tomorrow, one final week here and then I can turn 100% of my attention to getting ready to go. I hope to get in a lot of practice time, rest, and to start feeling centered and enthusiastic once again.

In the meantime, this is definitely Mile 18....

Fight or Flight

I haven't been this scattered in a long time. I think I've officially reached my maximum capacity for stress and tedium.... I'm finding it really hard to keep my mind from drifting to places I'd rather be: on a raft in Lake Tahoe, jogging along the water in Portsmouth RI, riding my bike around Yountville, Carmel, even our old childhood swingset.

It's the combination of the schedule crammed with nothing I enjoy, plus worries about how to arrange my life around Santa Barbara - and being prepared enough that it's a good experience when I get there. There's nothing I can do but work and wait.

Now that the floors are 90% done and I can start to see the end of the household "to do" list drawing near - while I thought I'd be just enjoying having a beautiful living space by now, I'm just too tired to care.

I have a feeling my whole perspective is about to change for the better, in a few weeks. In the meantime, if only they wouldn't drag by!!!!

gaaaaaaaaah

Even after 3-5 hours in an office environment, it's amazing how my whole being seems to "dumb down".

Once I leave, it seems to take a tremendous amount of effort to wake up and become a person again.

I had to really fight to keep my irritation hidden today. The tasks I'm given are menial, stupid, and boring enough - but the HR/office manager is a micro-manager with very awkward interpersonal skills... every time she stops at my desk, she starts with "so..." - and inevitably, this means a criticism is coming. Today, I apparently stacked boxes incorrectly, used the wrong printer, and used the wrong tray to display the morning danishes.

She is the "Hey, Peter, what's happenin'" of this office. It's insane that people accept that this is life.

In the meantime, I did some more singing yesterday, and continue to fight fear when it comes to cadenzas that involve E and above. I discovered, though, that when I go to the "Elixir" place (meaning, there was this moment in a particular scene when, encouraged by Bobby and Andy, I dropped to my knees and discovered a wildly easy and huge E-flat) - I was able to sustain my F# both in that position, and while jogging in place.

As I told D. today, since the F# occurs at the end of the aria, before her suicide: perhaps I can just ask the stage director if Ophelie can take a running leap into the river?

inches

It's amazing, how slowly each day passes, yet each week seems to fly by. That may not make sense, but that's the feeling right now.

I just realized that I hadn't blogged in nearly a week.

I suppose it's just that life is so uneventful right now - I am just inching my way to the finish line - well, the first one, anyway (SB). Negotiated yet another adjustment in my hours at the CPA firm, so that I will now have a week off before I leave. I feel less panicked about being physically ready (packed, etc).

I don't feel quite up to practicing today, but I did get through all the piles on my desk, and made a practice CD. So that's something.

My manager continues to ask for a Lucia contract - it's verging on ridiculous.

And, my West Coast audition was confirmed. Yea.

I sure hope I develop some enthusiasm for it by the time it rolls around in May...a line from As Good As It Gets comes to mind: "Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here."

prison

Today: unmistakably and unapologetically, the Artist in me awoke - she looked around in disbelief and frustration, realizing that she is behind a desk, answering phones and checking in packages as a receptionist, labeling and boxing files, with very little meaningful human interaction. The voice stays off the breath, asleep.

I am ready to go and sing. So ready. Over the next 5 weeks, I know that it's going to be difficult to stick to this incredibly boring grind - so I will have to keep reminding myself that this is what will enable me to have freedom from financial worry while I'm there. Also, my daily hour of singing time does help to ensure some sense of progress and accomplishment.

But to feel fully alive, to be a singer - I recall the one thing I did enjoy about local productions - the daily interaction with other artists (My People). Talking about characters, about what the composer wants, about the process. The Doing.

The rest of it was never worth it, of course, but that is something I do miss right now.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I head to SB, it will have been 1 year since I last performed on stage. It's an odd realization.

Still, at this, the 5-month mark of this Tunnel Year - I must remember that these were my choices; to take some time away from spinning my wheels to regroup, and to raise my standards. And I have succeeded, but can't feel it yet - I can only confirm this on paper, on my resume. The Artist is like any other beast - it only knows the present. While it will revel and rejoice when it's time to shine again, at the moment there is only rain and piano lessons and laundry.

Today, on this gray and dismal day, I am struggling to see the light. Though it's the last thing I feel like doing, some silent practice and a good workout will probably help.

"East Bound Down...."

Progress..... thank God I know how to lose weight. The thing is, even within one day of eating well, I feel so much better - calmer, and happier.

www.my-calorie-counter.com The webs free Exercise Journal

Last night, we ended the long, stressful week at Chevy's. I was even good there - I think I improved their fajita salad by omitting the meat and cheese, adding black beans, and using salsa as dressing.

I decided to make my Friday night "reward" a hot shower and home spa stuff. Much healthier than red wine and Sees' candy. Ugh.... just thinking about that makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Also, having an hour a day to practice makes a huge difference in my overall outlook. I am way less resentful of my other obligations - I even enjoyed my choirs on Thursday, and that's saying something.

The floors are coming along - a few more weekends, and they'll be totally done. Woo hoo!