on- and off-stage DRAMA

This week started very badly, and has since mellowed, like a fine wine.... it's not quite wonderful yet, but I can sense that it will only get better.

D. and I had what I can only call a gigantic "head butt" during Monday's lesson. We each left hurt and angry. As dramatic as it sounds, at the heart of it is this: we both felt the anxiety that came from my being away on vacation for the entire week before the beginning of Lucia rehearsals.

In that state, neither of us was being objective, nor rational.

Sad about how that had all gone down, I sought the counsel of The Two who know him best, and have often served as referee, and loving third party to the relationship with D..... they are to be commended for their patience and willingness to wade through this. I'm sure they have other things to do... yet they are unfailingly supportive, and will be in the audience with D. on opening night.

Their thoughts on the situation provided me with clarity, reassurance, and perspective.... all of which I completely lacked this week, as I went into MAJOR SURVIVAL MODE [this Lucia schedule is a thrilling roller coaster ride without a safety bar - the likes of which I have never experienced - I am already forgetting to eat, so I'm being careful to remind myself of the basics - we have staged the entire thing in 3 days. I have decided not to panic yet about the fact that my tenor has been out all week with bronchitis, so his cover is struggling through and my scenes with him are just a hot mess].....

Anyway, in a nutshell, I had come to Monday's lesson thinking of it as a "coming away" from My Beast, as a checking in of Vocal Technique in a sterile, "lab" setting. D. was expecting the whole picture, so that he might better envision the Artist as I would be presenting her to the director and conductor later that evening. The more shock tactics he tried to use to pull me out of my shell, the more I resisted, until finally we retreated to our corners, each waiting a couple of days to offer a defensive and emotionally-charged email to the other.

The Two offered a reminder of the Big Picture - mutual respect, and mutual goals. Everyone to your corners, please. TIME OUT!!

I was pondering it all the way home last night, and when I pulled up, in came a very formal and polite email (in response to a voice mail I left that morning) from himself, confirming my lesson time and the suggestion that on Saturday we "address any concerns and then move on in preparation for my performances".

I replied with 1. a reassurance that, given the positive feedback I'm getting from my directors, he had prepared me very well, 2. a reminder that I truly want to make him proud, and 3. a promise to be more brave.

His response to my "email love":

A very thorough treatise on "Io son l'umile ancella" from Adriana Lecouvrer - and an assignment to find YouTube clips of Tebaldi and Callas, demonstrating their abilities to "use music (pitch) as the means of conveying (acting) the musical setting."

I view his return to "lecture mode" as a sure sign that Peace Reigneth once again.

and so it begins

Well, after a week of totally "unplugging" in Hawaii, distracted by the new sights and sounds of a new place - Lucia is officially on.

Unfortunately, due to the jet lag and accumulated piles of chaos, I feel very off. At the moment, I'm trying to figure out the smartest way to be ready for the day (lesson with Dewey, after a week of no singing, then a costume fitting and first staging rehearsal, which starts with the aria).

I suppose, to paraphrase a quote of Meryl Streep's: "the best way to start, is by starting."

first dip in the pool

Because our tenor will have a conflict and the company is working around him, our first musical rehearsal was yesterday - two full weeks early.

I felt prepared, frustrated at some physical limitations due to being sick, but overall, totally ready. I didn't worry about being "fabulous", I just sang the plan as outlined in my preparation, with total sincerity and commitment.

I got zero feedback. I suppose I will just have to trust that if I don't get a comment of any kind, that what I'm doing is acceptable. I was irked when the conductor did compliment everyone else, but that's the way it goes.

The other singers are A-house, top-notch, world-class. I am in awe.

good points, other points

D. and I traveled quite a bit this week. Monday's lesson was probably doomed from the start given that I'd come from an hour with S., over-singing and trying to understand what I now confirm is bad technique - I was getting sick, and my throat just would NOT put up with any bullshit. I was also pissed that she wasn't focused on me at all. As diva-like as that sounds, I ampaying her $50/hour. I know that it's summer, and her life is all about the Program she runs - which further adds to the pile of frustrations and dashed hopes I have when it comes to my relationship with That Company.

That's what I mean about being doomed from the start. The worse I felt physically, the less I was able to respond to D. - which led him to dig his heels in even more, until, after 2 hours, we shut our scores and retreated to our corners. I left in a dizzy, teary blur - probably more due to fever than anything else, but I know he caught it. Within an hour he emailed me, with sober reminders of what went well that day. There was also a masked apology in there for two things: 1. Insisting on his version of things, as opposed to the version I've adopted according to BV. 2. Pushing me ahead to a passage I told him I hadn't had time to prepare for him, and then beating me over the head for not being prepared.

Today, while I do have a full-blown cold, he and I were still able to meet halfway in a calmer place, and with cooler heads we both had an "aha!" moment: that 95% of the problens he's after me about, are fixed when I support properly. When he discovered this, we both realized that this is what he needs to underline first.... chances are, it will fix the rest.

Also, the librarian in me strikes again: I mentioned seeing a piano marked in my score, which was leading me astray and off my support. He roared and bellowed in his charming way, and in a nutshell told me to "screw the dynamics. Those are for the orchestra. You are the leading lady."

I wonder if I will ever get comfortable being in this position? I think I need to get me somma this:

Beyonce has Sasha Fierce, after all...... I mean, look at that! Diva-licious!

buoys

Three recent bolsters:

From Mom, a sweet and encouraging card with thie Maori Proverb on the front: "Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."

From a singer friend, in response to my concerns that I won't have made enough progress in my technique and process in time for these performances: "Whatever you sounded like last September, they liked enough to hire you to do this. Even if you progress a tiny bit, you will still be better than what they are expecting."

From my Musical Grandmother, in response to my stress at receiving conflicting directions from various teachers and coaches: "In the end, when you have done all the work, it will be Angela up there, singing to us. And we are there to hear Angela. Not your teachers." She offered this anecdote: when she gave a recital at one point during her college years, an audience member said to her afterward: "I can tell that you did exactly what your teacher told you to do." GM reminded me that this is the worst 'compliment' an artist can receive.

Words to live by.

perspective...

On Thursday I had one of "those" lessons with D. They happen when A. I'm tired, or B. singing music I know too well to change old habits quickly.

In this case, since it was Lucia, the reason was A.

However, in spite of making me extremely frustrated at myself, it was incredibly helpful, in that it has brought my attention to my specific practice habits... When learning a role in the past, I have always been rather frantic about being "memorized" ASAP, because I would rather die than sing a wrong note or word in public. Silly, but true.

The irony is that I have not been as patient about really letting my throat learn, and getting my brain accustomed to having the entire phrase in mind before I inspire - hence memorizing the right way (not just intellectually, which is ultimately useless to the artist). D. assures me that there is still plenty of time, and to quote him directly: "once you let the throat have its time to learn the facts, then nothing more need be done. Sincerity is then more easily accomplished, and the phrases are ready to go from memory."

To that end, I will go back to the "lab" this weekend, using Chad's arrival home as a 'deadline' to keep me on task.

OFF-SUBJECT:

I had dinner with my grandmother the other night, and for the first time, the Adult Me met the Adult Individual Her. I believe this happens to us all, if we are lucky enough to have a relative around for this long. She listened, she was kind, she was patient, and she was positive. Perhaps it's being 84 that has mellowed her and made her more forgiving of life's surprise turns. She was even interested in my newfound vegetarianism, and we talked about cooking, altering recipes to make them vegan, etc. And for someone who grew up in a fearful, non-affectionate, and rigid household, she has come a long way if she is now able to freely say "I love you so much, and couldn't be prouder of my grand-daughter."

Speaking of life's surprise turns..... I went home with a grateful heart that night. A good reminder that Lucia just doesn't matter.

no substitute for hard work

So... yesterday D. insisted we work on Act III (the mad scene). Observations:

- This week, I've been really deliberate about NOT just singing it all and blowing my voice out. Instead, I've been setting aside a small chunk at a time, working through, being really sure of the pitches, how they feel in the throat, making decisions about ornaments and really working them in.

The only place I hadn't reached by yesterday was Act III. That this kind of work is needed, before all other aspects are built in, was made really obvious when I wasn't able to respond to D. without the distraction of ambiguity re. pitches/text etc.

- However, there was one little phrase that I'd worked really hard on, and when I sang it, he got really excited and said, "well, if you sing this way, you have us."

All of this is to say that: practice does pay off, and that is very encouraging. When I see him again tomorrow, I will have done my work on Act III and it should be a very different lesson.