Al fine...

Well, dear readers, our year of blogging is up. I am 33.

As I re-read my very first post of a year ago, I reflect on where I was; I had a sense of heading into a Tunnel of transition - a dark and frightening one, at the end of which I truly believe was - is - bright light.

I'd say that the biggest surprise is how much joy there was to be found in that Tunnel. We don't have to know where we're going to enjoy the ride (not to suddenly start speaking "bumper sticker").

Am I closer to knowing what's at the end? Probably not. But perhaps that's what one's earthly life is - an ever-shifting Tunnel, one with a promise of light at the end which, at some times, seems nearer, than it does at others.

I do see very real evidence that by setting my sights higher on the horizon, by heading into this past singer's season with a better sense of my own value and values, I managed to scoot my way up a rung on the ladder.

Not that it's ever been about altitude. It's more about air quality.

I look back at the questions I had one year ago:

"How will I define myself within a business (opera) whose rules of engagement, politics, and definition of success, are so solidly etched, so unchangeable? How does my life, the person God created me to be, fit into that machine? And perhaps a followup to that question is, MUST I fit into it?"

If any progress has been made by this struggling human being this year, it is my understanding that my true happiness is begotten of recognizing the so-called 'machine' as the vehicle for my art - but that IT fits into ME. I am a slave to no one, and certainly not my singing career. I define it on my terms. There is so much living to do, that does not fall into the category of Accomplishment=Reward.

I sometimes fantasize that Europeans have a better sense of how to achieve that healthy balance, but I know, deep down, that it's a decision that comes from within, regardless of one's native country.

You know that I am still waiting for answers about what lies ahead, this coming season...whether or not I will officially leave church work behind and start the solo life of the soloist. Whether or not I will expand my horizons, my loves, my heart's focus, beyond work. I promise to return and post any updates, as a way of tying up any loose ends I am setting down at this moment.
And so, dear, faithful and few readers of my humble blog: I am grateful for you, for your support, for your empathy. It has been quite a ride.

Namaste.

"Just keep swimming...."

Still waiting for the fog to clear, so that I may see the road ahead more clearly.

One of today's projects is to record some songs from South Pacific (yes, really!) and dash off the mp3's to an artistic director.

There's really no point in analyzing the "why" of any of it right now, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.

Too many possibilities for this coming spring and year, too many potential conflicts.

Depending on what transpires over the next few weeks, I could either:

A. go on living life in the Bay Area, working at St. Stephen, SI, and the opera chorus, and juggling the solo gigs I already have confirmed, constantly apologizing to people as I work out conflicts (in other words, the usual shenanigans)

B. Start the new year down South, come back in time to sing for a brief but lovely weekend in La Jolla, then dash off to Utah for 9-10 weeks, returning in time to start rehearsals for next fall's Abduction.

Which means that I'd have no choice but to put in my notice at the church, and move, full-kilt into the life of a working singer.

Not to mention the fact that the gigs themselves may conflict with each other, which is a whole 'nother thing.

But as of today, I just don't know what's going to happen. Which is really bizarre, while I'm making the year's calendar for the Junior choir and planning their schedule through June.

Swimming, swimming.....

"be careful what you wish for..."

Many fishing lines out, as always - but the difference is, now I'm getting bites. I'm happy to report that finally, one of them, is from outside of California.

It is all too much to sort through, sometimes - especially with St. Stephen being the bubbling, festering lava pit of emotion and tension due to A. change, and B. resentment about the previous leadership - yesterday's meeting just the tip of the iceberg. That place - that job - is the most difficult and complicated impediment to my singing career. I need the steady income, but also need the freedom to be gone when I need to be. It's a constant fight.

But no matter, I must keep my eye on the horizon. I've come too far to lose focus now. But I must say, the year ahead is daunting.

totally overwhelmed....

The Meeting went reasonably well. Many important items were discussed. I felt the familiar tension that comes with feeling an irrational responsibility for everyone's happiness and comfort, sensitive to every lift of an eyebrow, every vocal tone. It wears me out.

The next step: calling all choir members today, and asking them to a meeting tomorrow morning, whereby G. and I will outline the changes (as in, I'm stepping down) and "get their feedback" (that's the politically correct way of making them feel a part of the decision - but it is made, my friends!).

This was followed by an invigorating session with D. I hadn't expected mountains to be moved, since we are at the note-learning stage of a role, and given the distracted state in which I arrived.... but it, instead, served as a visit back to my best self, the self that loves to sing and share with others, who is starting to truly be unfettered by feelings of inferiority, starting to accept and appreciate God's gift in a totally new way.

It made the prior meeting seem to fade into the distance.

I was approached last night with a very intriguing opportunity that could yield many wonderful things, but wreak havoc with my already confusing schedule and prospects (especially when it comes to St. Stephen, that ever-present millstone around my neck). Since I went to bed at 2am due to the opening night what-have-you, today is not the day to make decisions.

Still, I can't ignore the fact that this is a tumultuous year from the start, and decisions will be forced upon me right and left, whether or not I am ready for them.

Thank God I have a very inviting and engaging escape right now: The incomparable Jane Eyre.

The Meeting

Today is the meeting with the new pastor and G. I hope that we can come to a peaceful resolution that works for everyone. I hope I walk out of there with less responsibility, clarity, and peace about the coming year. And of course it has to happen on the same day as a voice lesson, opening night of Aida, and a very late night because of the party afterward. I feel tired just thinking about today.

I just pray that I will be in a positive space in time to see D. today. We have a lot of music to get through, and I can't be distracted by the church business.

Right now I feel angry and frustrated when I walk into that place. Yesterday was difficult. The first day back is always a bit depressing, because attendance is low. Keeping the kids coming back takes work, and time. It takes visits to classrooms, standing on my head, offering awards, keeping them engaged.

I don't mind all that, if I am happy with the way things are being run behind the scenes. Difficult to separate my irritation with the staff (adults) from my connection with the kids.

What gets old is being made to feel guilty that "we just spend so much money on music here". It was thrown up in my face again yesterday. I'm just like, if you don't have the money, or choose not to make it a priority, fire us all. If you don't fire us, then shut up about it.

I hate having to deal with all of this while I'd rather be working on my singing. Yet another day went by when I did not have time to practice and fill out applications. I went home really resentful - thankfully, I was so physically tired from the day that I fell asleep.

Just want to get through that crucial hour today...

Square One

I'm starting to feel like my old self again. Which means juggling St. Stephen and opera chorus, while keeping an eye on the audition notices and lining up the December NY trip.

In the meantime, I find myself back at Square 1: learning notes. I feel that familiar impatience rising in me - I'm always in such a hurry to get to the fun part, the rehearsing and staging of music I've already internalized....bringing a character to life.

I suppose it's harder, given the glow I feel when remembering the final product of Lucia. But I do remember being at this stage with her, too.

I wish the rest of my responsibilities would just go away, so that I can concentrate on Romilda. I have a meeting Friday, and I have a feeling it will take at least a couple weeks for me to extricate myself from the adult choir, for them to accept it, for the new system to get established. After 3 years there, I have to really fight to keep it from taking over my life. But I am determined to do this on my own terms. As my beloved G. herself said, "you can settle into a church job when you're 57, like me. But now is the time to devote to your God-given talent. Anyone can just sing, but not everyone can do what you do."

swing of things

If not thrilled, I'm at least starting to accept my present circumstances. I'm in familiar territory - juggling a schedule of opera chorus, church stuff, accompanying, and learning a new role - all while keeping one eye open for career-advancement opportunities, making several decisions every day in that department.

I'm finding it hard to find that "zen" place that came so easily to me over the summer. Even with all the adrenaline and excitement aside, the most wonderful aspect about being in the throes of a production is that, I am "allowed" to just be in the present moment, and put all else aside, all worries about what's next. It's a lovely way to live - and yet, I remind myself that it's a choice, that I can choose to live that way all the time.

It's just difficult when there is the reality that as a singer who's chosen a solo path, I work as an independent contractor, which means: it's not about the job I have, it's about constantly looking for the next one.

I will say this about the ridiculously inefficient rehearsal process for the opera chorus: I find myself with many paid hours spent waiting backstage, during which I can learn Romilda.

contemplating the next hike

No significant news here, it's just another day - the schedule right now is very light, and I am still "on hold" re. St. Stephen as I wait for my new pastor's response...

D. had a great analogy - that while I should expect a period of "post partum depression" after scaling a great height, I should not forget that there is indeed another mountain to climb. I'm not yet ready to venture into the next foothills, but I am forcing myself to face them and 'size them up' - meanwhile, organizing the parts of my life I've had to ignore over the past couple months.

There is a satisfaction to doing these things (housework, answering messages, allowing my body to recover from the past few weeks' barrage of junk food/caffeine/cortisol)....even if there is a bit of lingering sadness, and (probably unfounded) worry that I will never do another meaningful bit of singing again.

In the larger picture, I have gone from acceptance, to annoyed acceptance, to resentment, about the way my life is structured and dictated - while the choice to pursue a solo career is mine, I am so frustrated at the reality of still having to work several jobs to make it work. It makes me angry to still feel controlled by outside forces...what was okay at 22 does not feel okay at 32.

I have this notion - and from what I observe in other singers I have met and admired, it's true - that if I could only break through to the regional level, there would be a calm to my/our everyday existence in that I wouldn't have to spread myself so thinly. Perhaps 4 jobs could become 2 that I really enjoy - hence, freedom.

How do I get there? I have no map, no compass - only snapshots of other hikers and the direction in which they seem to be heading.

P.S. Adding today's running run-in: during my jog, saw a lady who smiled and gave me a thumbs-up, and I took out my iPod only in time to hear that whatever encouraging comment she made ended with "forward". I was sorry I'd missed the rest of what she said, until I realized that "forward" was probably the most important word for me to hear.

post-Lucia blues...and an anniversary

It is a very odd thing I do, in that I consistently choose this life of extreme ups and downs. I knew this crash was coming, I started to feel its inevitability a little while ago, even in the midst of the excitement.

It's not that I, nor my physical body, miss the worry and stress. And it's not that I feel a sense of regret in any way.

I miss knowing that I have this big project in front of me that lots of people are somehow aware of and buzzing about. That's what it is - the buzz.

I already have offers for other local performances, and there is a different kind of excitement in that, because I am also looking forward to living life, for the first time, on my own terms. Letting the career "come to me" a bit, while I seek out more balance.

But I can't deny that I am sad to put the Lucia score back on the shelf, to finally address the pile of keepsakes and memories of it and decide what goes in the scrapbook, what needs to go. That's usually the defining "this experience is now over" moment for me. And within the next few weeks, there will be perhaps a straggling review that pops up, and photos and a DVD from the company - which I will receive with a clearer and more objective mind.

Career-wise (if I can just "be at the office" for a moment), I hope to keep the momentum going somehow, and every time I get an idea about how to do so, I act on it immediately. It's all I can do. Otherwise, I have to trust in word-of-mouth. There were connections made that may not come to fruition or even make sense for a while, and that's okay - I just need to stay on the radar.

I realize that today marks the 11-month anniversary of this blog, and my birthday will be here soon. With one month to go of this Tunnel year, I can honestly say that while I'm no closer to knowing what's on the other side of it, I know without any doubt that it's very, very good. Better than anything I could have come up with. And I am learning to accept that I'm in it. This, I believe, is spiritual progress.

floating

It's an odd thing, this 'limbo' existence. Of all my imaginings about Lucia, reality-based and otherwise, I never really thought about the during part. The being-in-the-middle.

These days "off" are so surreal.... life continues to go on around me. A tragic death has occurred at St. Stephen, a family I know well. Obama and oil spills and immigration and gay marriage is being discussed - there are places in the world that do not care about Lucia di Lammermoor.

I know and understand all this, but in spite of my efforts to feel normal for two days straight, I walk around like a zombie, numb.

Doing some cooking today, as therapy. Emails still float around, unanswered. There are hints of changes in the air, but nothing is certain. It's looking like a very different audition season for me - in a good way. But again, no certainty to be found, anywhere - except in a recipe.

releases

Yoga led to a good cry. It's amazing how often that happens.

One can only withstand so much 'noise'.

Off to see a Will Farrell movie..... many of you who know me well will recognize this as a sign of desperate times.....

the inevitable first reviews

I'd say, in the end, all we can do is our best. While I'm onstage, it's like being a computer that only I understand, with all programs running at once. There are some glitches, and one can only control so much.

I gave with truth and commitment, and so far no critic has stated otherwise. Not everyone will love me. Though I am getting tired of the buildup - the "let's see what this local unknown can do" kind of pressure. To paraphrase Legally Blonde: what are they expecting - three tits?

http://www.mercurynews.com/california/ci_15711837

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/08/08/DDUP1ER020.DTL

Opening Night

I can only repeat this prayer:

Be open to every moment, accept it as it is.

Remember my back.

Remember my breathing.

Let this person be truly alive, truly real.

Just stay on that small and electric pitch - the oboe, letting her spirit bubble forth from it.

I am not responsible for the whole world, just myself.

Thank God.

Life is good.

Amen.

a prayer

Tonight is our final dress, a Preview with an audience for the first time.

My post-yoga prayer finds me at the Oakville Monastery, probably a version I've created in my head based on the real thing. It's green, quiet, the vineyards sway in the breeze.

Be open to every moment, accept it as it is. Remember my back. Remember my breathing. Let this person be truly alive, truly real. Just stay on that small and electric pitch, letting her spirit bubble forth from it. I am not responsible for the whole world, just myself. Thank God. Life is good. Amen.

a blissful schizophrenia

An acting teacher talked about the Artist's relationship to The Watcher.

The Watcher is that part of us that critiques us from without, the one who makes us self-conscious, the one who says "don't" and "be careful".

The Watcher can be helpful in some cases, deathly in others.

I find myself living as The Watcher these days, while the Artist just takes over and does her thing when it's time to do so - and surprises The Watcher with her audacity, her strength, her ability to stay focused, her enjoyment. It's a strange out-of-body existence.

Articles keep popping up over the internet about the Artist, and she is due to call a public radio station for a live interview tonight. Then it's a piano tech, immersing herself in Lucia once again - chipping away at walls, enjoying those that have already fallen down.

The Watcher tries to calm the hysteria by convincing herself that no one outside of the Bay Area cares about this - but the Artist seems to know better.

a constant state of "up"

Nothing new to report.... I am still on the tightrope, still not sleeping (lest a brilliant new thought comes to me and I miss it!!!!), still not tasting food, still not sure what to do with myself when I am not singing Lucia.

More than ever, I am desperately needing to connect with colleagues - if only not to feel so alone. There are glimmers of such promise.... I hope for more to come as tech week "magic" begins to develop.

I already begin to think of the Mean Reds that will befall me when this is all over. But that's not now.

Sitzprobe tonight - C. had to remind me that this is when the fun begins. I hope he's right.

onward, Christian divas

Pastor Emeritus' blog post of last week discusses prayer - our concept of, and approach to, prayer. He underlined three important things to remember as we pray: 1. to just be where we are. Not to put our fears, concerns, bad moods, bad hair days, swollen vocal cords, "singer phlegm", and anger aside - but to just accept all of those things and start from that place. 2. trust in the most positive outcome - not just hope for it, but believe it to be already done. 3. Forgive others. Let go, and truly forgive.

And of course, our prayers do not change God. They change us.

These concepts came full circle as I went through rehearsals yesterday. As with most mornings right now, I did my best to take it easy physically, doing whatever exercise my instincts tell me is right for that day - not too much, not too little. And there is Facebook and the radio to keep me distracted as I wait to just jump in and do it already! By 4pm, I was reviewing the staging with my Tenor (his first day back after illness). There was some tension as his over-eager understudy advised him, and Tenor had his own (often conflicting) ideas - for me, it was an exercise in graciousness as I just rolled with it and tried to get along with everyone.

[I'm also hoping he's not still contagious, as we are obviously in close contact. I do not have an understudy].

Hence, by the dinner break I was exhausted. I drove to a quiet neighborhood to eat my leftover veggie burger and unplug for a while. It occurred to me that the worry is what is most exhausting, second only to the need to pretend that I am confident and comfortable in the role of prima donna. One can only uphold a charade for so many hours per day.

I find that I get depressed by the dinner break - I'm not sure if it's that I'm coming down off of caffeine, or a drop in blood sugar levels, etc. But yesterday I decided to give in to it, and just be tired. I just rested my eyes, there in the sanctuary of my car, played around on my phone, just decompressed. And while I was doing so, I remembered P.E.'s post.

It occurred to me that perhaps I might try to approach rehearsal with the same concepts in mind:

1. To just be where I am, in terms of A. my actual process of learning to sing this well and bringing the character to life, and also, B. my fear. Using my fear, and even celebrating it - letting it motivate the character, looking at it as a strength: that perhaps the image is not a cowering, fearful person - but more like a quivering, vulnerable, out-on-a-limb human being, courageously exposing one's true and imperfect self - which frankly, is the best state in which we connect with each other as artists, with our audience, with others offstage, and to God.

2. Trust in a positive outcome. This needs no elaboration.

3. Forgive - or perhaps better put in this context - let go. Let go of misgivings about whether or not I belong here.... the fact is, I'm here. Let go of that which I cannot control - board members sitting in on rehearsals unannounced, critics, who attends on which night, being liked or not (ooh, a big one).

I can't say I was a perfectly enlightened being when I arrived for the 7pm rehearsal last night, but my experience was markedly different, and I even felt more at peace. Whether it was evident to those seeing and hearing me, I don't know - but I felt that I had stronger footing.

The downside, of course, is that I was so elated from this small personal triumph, that I couldn't get to sleep last night.

What can I say? - I'm a work in progress.... and another day begins.

a tuneup for the spirit

It occurred to me that I haven't actually talked about the Lucia process thus far: the role now has a journey in my throat and mind, a series of peaks and valleys, some moments call for more special attention to technique than others...I feel secure (and validated by the director & conductor) in my acting choices, in the arc of the character, in my relationship to the others.

I am in love with my colleagues - they are perfectly suited to their roles, beautiful, charming, and interesting - they sing so well that I forget to worry about them. A nice change from what I'm used to.

My tenor is a bit of the "precious artist" - he has been out sick all week, and the momentum has been temporarily halted.

I have a feeling that this week will be long, difficult, and exhausting. All I can do is wait for it to get here.

It is depressing to have to switch gears and be a Sunday morning cantor tomorrow morning. But that's life.

Lest you think there was never a resolution to this week's "D. drama"......

From the time I started the "wind down" routine last night before bed, to this morning as I geared up: my every intention was to walk into D's studio today with a full and brave heart, to show him everything I am able to show to complete strangers, to be the artist I am when there is nothing to lose.

It was clear when I arrived, that he had also resolved to approach our lesson with a gentler and more objective hand. After a very positive recap of the week's events and spirited (ahem) communications, we got down to work. After the warmup, everything I sang from Lucia I did with the staging and intent, essentially walking that tightrope, naked, for all the world to see and judge. It scared the hell out of me, but I also felt that which only performing brings me - the thrill of being fully alive.

With reminders of where to pay special attention and remember certain technical considerations, his final response: "Brava. You are ready."

I wonder if he knows how his approval makes me spill over with elation.

on- and off-stage DRAMA

This week started very badly, and has since mellowed, like a fine wine.... it's not quite wonderful yet, but I can sense that it will only get better.

D. and I had what I can only call a gigantic "head butt" during Monday's lesson. We each left hurt and angry. As dramatic as it sounds, at the heart of it is this: we both felt the anxiety that came from my being away on vacation for the entire week before the beginning of Lucia rehearsals.

In that state, neither of us was being objective, nor rational.

Sad about how that had all gone down, I sought the counsel of The Two who know him best, and have often served as referee, and loving third party to the relationship with D..... they are to be commended for their patience and willingness to wade through this. I'm sure they have other things to do... yet they are unfailingly supportive, and will be in the audience with D. on opening night.

Their thoughts on the situation provided me with clarity, reassurance, and perspective.... all of which I completely lacked this week, as I went into MAJOR SURVIVAL MODE [this Lucia schedule is a thrilling roller coaster ride without a safety bar - the likes of which I have never experienced - I am already forgetting to eat, so I'm being careful to remind myself of the basics - we have staged the entire thing in 3 days. I have decided not to panic yet about the fact that my tenor has been out all week with bronchitis, so his cover is struggling through and my scenes with him are just a hot mess].....

Anyway, in a nutshell, I had come to Monday's lesson thinking of it as a "coming away" from My Beast, as a checking in of Vocal Technique in a sterile, "lab" setting. D. was expecting the whole picture, so that he might better envision the Artist as I would be presenting her to the director and conductor later that evening. The more shock tactics he tried to use to pull me out of my shell, the more I resisted, until finally we retreated to our corners, each waiting a couple of days to offer a defensive and emotionally-charged email to the other.

The Two offered a reminder of the Big Picture - mutual respect, and mutual goals. Everyone to your corners, please. TIME OUT!!

I was pondering it all the way home last night, and when I pulled up, in came a very formal and polite email (in response to a voice mail I left that morning) from himself, confirming my lesson time and the suggestion that on Saturday we "address any concerns and then move on in preparation for my performances".

I replied with 1. a reassurance that, given the positive feedback I'm getting from my directors, he had prepared me very well, 2. a reminder that I truly want to make him proud, and 3. a promise to be more brave.

His response to my "email love":

A very thorough treatise on "Io son l'umile ancella" from Adriana Lecouvrer - and an assignment to find YouTube clips of Tebaldi and Callas, demonstrating their abilities to "use music (pitch) as the means of conveying (acting) the musical setting."

I view his return to "lecture mode" as a sure sign that Peace Reigneth once again.

and so it begins

Well, after a week of totally "unplugging" in Hawaii, distracted by the new sights and sounds of a new place - Lucia is officially on.

Unfortunately, due to the jet lag and accumulated piles of chaos, I feel very off. At the moment, I'm trying to figure out the smartest way to be ready for the day (lesson with Dewey, after a week of no singing, then a costume fitting and first staging rehearsal, which starts with the aria).

I suppose, to paraphrase a quote of Meryl Streep's: "the best way to start, is by starting."