moving on, whether I like it or not

Yesterday afternoon, swiftly and succinctly, wiped me out. My coaching with B. was very efficient and productive, as always... I have a recording of us gong through each of my audition arias, fixing and cleaning - if I run things with the tape daily until I leave, I should be in good shape. He mentioned knowing folks at FGO, and I also remembered that he used to work for HGO as well.

Waiting for my next piano student, I emailed him from the car, asking if he'd put in a word at both places. I recalled my anxious anticipation.... and at that same moment, I received The Email from HGO. As rejections go, it was very kind and mentioned that sometimes a singer isn't passed onto the next round, because of "timing or repertoire".

I know this is BS, because if their upcoming season doesn't require a lyric coloratura, they wouldn't have heard me in the first place.

I'm disappointed and even a little angry... but if I really am honest with myself, why did I want to get into HGO? Was it because I truly feel that HGO is the answer to the career I want? Or is it because I desperately want to quit my church job, and that would have given me a valid reason?

I suspect it's the latter, which should put this latest development in perspective.

The audition this weekend makes sense to do, and I think I have a good shot. Time to force myself to look ahead. There just isn't time for me to grieve and wallow.

a little windblown

The few days spent down in southern CA, eating all kinds of naughtiness and basically lazing around, were truly good for this often spinning mind. I'd like to say I took a complete vacation from singing career worries, but it wouldn't be true.

Damn the anonymous singers' forum.... it has caused me more grief while waiting for audition results. I avoid it because of past hurts. Any singer, anywhere in the world, can get on and post a query or comment, probably not realizing the torment it causes me in my little corner. I was still allowing myself to feel the glow of how well the Houston audition seemed to go - and a bit relaxed, given that HGO still had two more audition cities to get through before the holiday, and we were told they won't finish notifying everyone about the semi-finals until December 18.

But there is always some anxiety - and in a moment of weakness, I checked the "audition" section of the forum, and an anonymous poster had announced HGO had started sending out The Emails - the day before Thanksgiving.

I suppose there's a chance that a delayed response doesn't necessarily mean I'm out. Look at OSB - they contacted me the day after the notification deadline. Still, I want validation that my audition truly was as good as it felt. I want them to have wanted me so much that there was no deliberation, no question - and in that case, an immediate response. The delay just feels bad.

In the meantime, I fly to NY for trip #1 this weekend, for an audition that makes sense on many levels....but I'm a little distracted this week; the Holiday Frenzy is starting to make itself felt. D. is away in Mississippi for 10 days, and I feel a little stranded.

Stranded or not, B. is in town today, so I need to gather myself pretty efficiently for that coaching this morning. There is no room for distraction with him, he insists on 100%, A-lane, my very best, all the time. There is love in his delivery, but it is thickly disguised. Truth be told, there's probably nothing I need more, in preparation for the NY barrage.

giving thanks

Well, after the morning's assessment of finances, auditions, communication, and the day's tasks and events - I now check in with myself....

What do I find? Many riches, for which to be grateful.

You know those moments during a long hike, when you stop, catch your breath, and look around? Here's to those moments.....

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

gathering time

I rediscovered something very important.

Yesterday was the kind of ridiculous marathon I run when trying to consolidate trips into SF, so it began with a very necessary stop-by with D., in preparation for my chorus audition (yes, I auditioned, as insurance), followed by a session with S., and ending with a very long, late night Otello performance.

While my session with S. was invigorating and helpful - since she, among the voices offering me guidance, is the one who is most immersed in the realities of the modern-day biz - the standout event was my chorus audition.

'Caro nome' begins on what D. calls my Note #9. It is the note that begins the area of my voice where all sense of physical feeling begins to leave as I descend through the passaggio - and if I don't have a good solid connection with Notes 1-8 (my vocal Identity), I never really feel very grounded within myself, no matter what happens during the rest of the performance.

Having said all that, I finally had the objectivity today to realize the difference between my Houston audition (yippeeee! I love to sing!), and the two auditions this week (what the f*** was that?) - the difference is that for the Houston one, I took 10 minutes to gather myself and check in with my Scale. For the other two, I let many distractions throw me off during those crucial 10 minutes beforehand, and then walked right in, midstream.

I'm so glad I figured out what went (minorly and minutely) wrong this week. I was beginning to feel depressed, and worried that I was going off my game.

Moral of the Story: take 10 minutes to gather, even if it's in a bathroom stall at Nola Studios.

Today's travels: it's amazing to go from St. Stephen, to D's house. To be in D's presence is to remember the Singer part of myself, the part that is an artist with something to say, the part who has no inhibitions, no taboos, no "that doesn't belong here"-isms. Also the part that never has to apologize for being beautiful, gifted, or "too much" of anything. It makes me realize how dramatically I dampen and tone myself down in order to be (nickname given by a friend) Church Girl.

Yet, Church Girl felt a strange isolation and sadness today, when I looked out at the 30 kids singing back to me, and the faces of the friends who treat me with great love and respect there - wondering if I will have to make a choice this year, wondering how much it might hurt and frighten everyone, including myself, to say goodbye to an old life.

Then the Boss broke the spell during the second mass, apparently trying to win an award for Most Distracted and Cranky Celebrant of the Year - and I was able to come back to my senses and remember that the Liturgy Committee will forget to light the correct candles, that the Boss will always give the most attention to the richest parishioners, that there is a limit to the spiritual awareness of old-timers who have sat in the same pew for 50 years, and that I, being young and still in expansion, don't belong there, and am not meant to stay.

I suppose this tells me that whether I do, or do not, get accepted into a year-long Young Artist Program for next year, there will be a bittersweet quality to it - and that either way, I hope I remember to grant myself time to accept what is, and focus on the positive.

adrift

This morning, I did spend my usual time checking for audition updates/news/notifications, a few emails back-and-forth with my manager, etc, sent some church emails, balanced the checkbook, etc.

But then, I just needed to hide. I spent the day indoors, and worked on my floors...listening to KDFC, letting the rain pelt the windows, letting HGO and opera chorus and piano students and travel anxiety just stay out there.

Sometimes, I just need to leave it out on the doorstep. I'll pick it all back up tomorrow, but for now, I'm enjoying the smell of homemade chili coming from the crock pot, and imagining for one second what it's like to be a normal person in the normal world.

suspended

Nothing new to report here. Just hanging out, suspended between the telephone poles - auditions that seem to mark the passing of time for me right now.

The decisions have been made about my NY trips, and now it's about working, getting through my daily lists, and vocally "checking in" here and there so that I'm ready for the next audition adventure.

I still have worries about finding subs for myself and making arrangements in order to be gone, both in December and next spring...that may not get resolved for a while, and I need to just accept that.

In the meantime, I have a couple weeks of "normal". I'm never sure how to function within "normal", so I try to keep some sort of structure for myself, and remember my goals - no matter how distant they may sometimes seem.

waiting for deliverance

Another Sunday morning survived. I sometimes wonder what kind of person succeeds as a church choir director - one must be the liturgical musician and all that goes with that, and on the other side of that coin, needs to accept his/her role as minister. This is the aspect that is sure to scare away mostany classically trained, professional musician - which is why church music tends to, for lack of a better word, suck.

I seem to be good at the second aspect, but it just bleeds me dry. It really affects me - every interaction leaves me feeling sapped of energy, even invaded. Every Sunday morning, I pray for the strength to endure all of the high-maintenance personalities that seem to demand a great deal of my attention every week, and driving home I often feel angry, irritated, and depressed.

The self I usually recognize as the opera singer is unrecognizable on Sunday. Even when I try to bring myself back to that reality - sometimes during the homily, or wherever I can steal a few moments away from people - by saying to myself, "remember Santa Barbara! remember Lucia!" - I still can't quite bring myself back.

And of course, there are some very real worries related to this church job now. In no particular order, they are:

1. The December audition trips to NY. Yes, that is plural - because I have a gig for Festival (which, for obvious reasons, I must do), and the auditions I've been given are spread over the course of 2 weeks - I will have to go to NY twice. What that means is:

• Fri, Dec 4 - fly to NY
• Sat, Dec 5 - auditions, then fly home
• Sun, Dec 6 - THE BIG MASS (opening of the new building, about which I couldn't care less - but the Boss wants all choirs, cast of thousands, etc.)
• Wed, Dec 9 - fly to NY again
• Dec 10-13 - auditions
• Mon, Dec 14 - fly home

I will have to apologize, cajole, plead, explain, etc. my way out of yet another Thursday night rehearsal & Sunday of masses - especially since it will be during Advent. I feel exhausted thinking about it.

2. OSB is of course, a wonderful opportunity. After 10 years of trying to get into ANY young artist program, it has finally happened. However, this one requires my presence in Santa Barbara for 5 weeks - and those 5 weeks begin during....wait for it...... HOLY WEEK. Holy SHIT is more like it. The Boss might have a heart attack when I tell him - which is why I will wait until after Dec 7.

While I'd love to quit completely, a 5-week engagement doesn't quite justify that yet - so I will have to agree to a solution that lets me return to my job when I come home. It probably means finding a long-term sub and forgoing my paycheck during the month of April. Logistically, after the awkwardness of telling the Boss, it will probably work fine - but I am so sensitive to conflict/strife of any kind, and am very anxious about that initial "sit down".

Beyond, that, of course, I hope I get into Houston's (Sept-May) Studio. How could I not hope for that? If I did, it would certainly justify quitting the church job. That's not the reason for wanting to get into the program, of course, and I dream about it happening every day.... but especially on Sunday - every time I have to water down my voice to sing "Table of Plenty" on a mic.....every time I get ogled by lonely old men who will say anything just to get an "oh, you poor thing" out of me....every time I get snapped at by our bitchy queen of a sacristan, or ignored by a Boss whom - irony of ironies, is too busy being a priest to have time for people.

Come on, Houston, come through and get me out of here!!!!