tested in fire

In an e-tussle over *money* with a coach. These kinds of issues make my stomach just burn with the upset, even when I know I'm in the right. I have validation from other objective parties, but am still in a state of waiting for the situation to resolve.

Now I will glance at my Blackberry every 5 minutes in fear, dreading that little red flashing light that indicates the possibility that another volley has come in.

Especially in this business, there is a such thing as being right, but blacklisted. This has happened with a few people in my singing life, and it's always unfortunate and distressing. As a conscientious "pleaser", it's so hard for me to stand my ground without letting it totally depress me.

I suppose I should feel grateful for these lessons. How else will I ever learn to deal with these matters and protect myself? As C. reminded me this morning: if I am really about to "climb the ladder", the choices and compromises will only get more difficult and complicated...

a soprano's perogative

Well, in my search for an mp3 of "Have Peace, Jo" I did find a couple of YouTube postings. Even sung by a very good soprano in the context of the production, I HATE it. It is dreadfully atonal, and, it being a death aria, I don't see how I can perform it effectively, standing upright in an audition setting.

I'm sayin' NO to that one. Damn the $10 I spent on it. Perhaps it will be of use in the future...

In desperation, I looked through my familiar and well-loved art song binder, and rediscovered "Moonfall", from Drood. What a gem that little piece is, and how I loved singing it "just for fun" when I happened upon it in college - and what do you know? It was written in 1985.

We have lift-off!

progress vs. futility

Only when I'm sick, do I seem to give myself permission to take a mental vacation. Somehow, having an excuse to call in sick and/or cancel things, frees me to finally rest - which sometimes takes form in the start of a project that has nothing to do with music.

I made a tiny bit of progress on The Floors (a little 3x3 patch, but it's a start). Like all other household projects over the last 2 years, it will be a slow transformation, but very rewarding. I finally got to use the power saw given to me by my beloved parents, for this most recent birthday. There is great therapy in measuring and sawing wood. Ah, 'tis beautiful to have control over something.

In the meantime, Fedex finally delivered my HGO-required "written in English, in my lifetime" aria - "Have Peace, Jo" from Little Women. Damn, does it look difficult!

Since I am still quite sick and in no shape to sing, I estimate that I will have about 10 days to learn it. Not ideal, but HGO took their sweet time in confirming that I had an audition at all, and I wasn't about to spend money on the music in case they rejected my application again.

I may spend hours sweating over this piece, and have to accept the possibility that they won't even ask to hear it. Them's the breaks....

front and back burners

I'm fighting a bug. I suppose it was inevitable, given the "marathon" I've just run. Still, it reminds me of the mortal and fragile nature of my instrument, and that regardless of all other considerations, sick is sick.

There is a vague sense of worry about music to learn for my November audition trip - and while I'm on that subject, indulge me a mini-rant: HGO requires an aria "in my own language, written in my lifetime" - what kind of repertoire requirement is that?! To be restricted to something written after 1977 is very strange. But I did find something - an aria from Little Women, and am waiting for that music to come in the mail - so I can start fretting over that.

I know I must decide on my NYC dates soon, but there are still application deadlines yet to pass, and many things remain up in the air. In general, I am weighing auditions according to importance (to ME). I have been denied a few auditions, and cancelled a few others. Trying to remain focused on what I really want - but it's so tempting to "just sing for everybody". Reminder to self: A legit role trumps a young artist program, while a really good young artist program trumps anything local. The desired path: better roles at better companies.

But that's not right now. Right now is about getting through the day's chores and piano lessons, snorting the Zicam every 4 hours, and praying this thing passes quickly.

dampened

Still marching. This kind of hectic schedule just dampens any motivation to think creatively, or to think at all beyond the task at hand.

I can finally exhale tomorrow.

left, right, left, right

I'm just plain cranky today. I'm in the midst of one of those marathon periods of back-to-back scheduling, when I can see my next day off way in the distance, and just hope to make it until then.

I used to constantly live my life this way, because I would be rehearsing a local show at night, and try to squeeze in St. Stephen work, teaching, exercise, practicing, lessons, coachings - and, oh yeah! time with hubby - hence not being able to be fully present for any of it.

The way I feel this morning is yet another reminder of what I'm NOT missing.

I think the worst part of it is, I've had to take on extra work this month because of having to wait so long for my first teaching paycheck. Once finances become more consistent, I can stop accepting gigs, funerals, and students that throw me off balance.

Until then, the march continues.

temptations to go backward

So, I've had an offer for a gig that, several years ago - even last year, perhaps - I would have leapt at without a second thought.

This fall, there have been several other offers that all have similar prospects to this one: it's local, would add nothing to my resume, and pays pennies.

There is a small part of me that wants to say yes, because:

- it is a chance to perform, which I'm not doing at the moment (reminder to self: by choice!)

- my ego is flattered to have been asked

In the "con" column:

- it involves so much driving, that the fee would barely cover gas money. In fact, when all tax considerations are factored in, I would probably LOSE money doing it

- it's a role I've done before (with great reviews, lots of personal/artistic growth - hence I've "been there, done that"); this time it's abridged and performed at 9am for school kids

- it's a company for which I have no desire to work, ever

- as with all local shows, we will over-rehearse because of incompetency on the part of the other singers, and those directing/organizing them. Sorry, but it's true.

- I will exhaust myself and be totally distracted - which, I have learned through experience, leads me back into habits of singing poorly. The body remembers, and when it learns - and reinforces - singing while tired, I am never able to shake that muscle memory.

After making that list, I feel so much better about saying NO.

From time to time, I will have to remind myself of my personal Rules during this Tunnel Year:

1. Only say 'yes' to the projects I really want to do: ones that will yield BETTER ROLES or work at a BETTER COMPANY. To say yes, the job must fall into one of those two categories, or both (such as the one I was offered last week, announced soon!)

2. In terms of a performance, repertoire choices, materials, image of any kind: if it's not the BEST I have to offer, don't put it out there.

3. Only tell select people - those who'd truly understand - about these rules. If you're reading this, you're one of them!

nuts and bolts

I suppose that, after the crash, this "waiting room" time is normal. The most recent excitement has died down, giving way to the prosaic, the day-to-day....and once in a while, thoughts of the recent auditions creep in. I'm ready to accept that nothing may come of either one - it's just the other side of the coin.

Another gig tonight, this one a freebie for a friend. In the meantime, my life is currently about bills, teaching, housework, scheduling this and that....my practicing right now is perfunctory and tedious, learning music I will never sing again, for smallish gigs that ultimately mean nothing but a much-needed paycheck at the time.

In the meantime, looking ahead, I am going through the motions: taking care of the details surrounding a quick trip to LA next month: Houston Grand has given me an audition for their Studio. This is so very surprising to me, because I applied repeatedly throughout my 20's, only to have them cash my check and send a "we regret we won't be able to hear you" postcard. This went on for several years before I finally gave up. And now, at 32, they want to hear me. I wonder what is on my paperwork, that prompted the change.

Two days later, I will sing for Philharmonia Baroque. That will be just plain FUN. Maestro PBO is this incredibly brilliant and jolly Englishman, who believed enough in something he heard in my audition a few years ago, to give me a job covering two very good and semi-famous sopranos in a beautiful (and rarely performed) Mozart opera they did as a concert. It was a dreamlike experience, well suited to me at the time; I will be really excited to sing for him again.

In the meantime, that week is far enough away that my attention is still on the "nuts-and-bolts, dentist appointment, laundry, to-do list" of it all. Days like this make the Singer/Artist in me seem so far away.

And then there's Opera Chorus...the black hole of negativity for which I must emotionally brace myself before each rehearsal call. Few situations in life bring me back to high school like that does.

Similar to that summer job you had after high school graduation (e.g. stocking shelves at Safeway or folding clothes at Macy's - you know, the one that put you among co-workers who reminded you how important it is to go to college); the OC is a reminder of why I want a solo career, and why I need to live life on my own terms.

the let-down

This is the part I dread - the inevitable CRASH.

The unpacking and laundry done, the desk "pile" sorted, followups and thank-you notes written, establishment of what's next, etc.

But I cannot deny the customary post-adventure depression that has set in - sometimes for a day, sometimes for a week, depending on the amount of buildup beforehand. It just puts me on hold, and it's difficult to motivate myself to even exercise.

But exercise I must, because this feeling will pass, and when it does, I'll be ready for the next adventure - and glad to have at least stayed healthy and organized in preparation for it.

processing

Here I am on the other side of **THE AUDITION TRIP** (I punctuate it thus to mock myself, because I let it become the hugest aspect of my life for the past several weeks).

Overall, I learned a great deal about myself, and where my singing is right now (and it's all very positive). I also got to breathe the delicious air and see the gorgeous colors that a midwestern Autumn delivers. I felt so wonderfully independent and proactive, driving through Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana in my rental car, with only my Singer self.

As I mentioned, my confidence was bolstered a great deal even before I left, by news I can't quite announce yet, but has been confirmed via email and gives me a lovely horizon at which to gaze whenever I get bogged down teaching middle C to 6-year-olds, or hole-punching music for crabby 75-year-olds.

Tuesday's Cleveland audition was rather rough, because for some reason I couldn't sleep at ALL the night before. However, my body remembered what to do for 'Caro nome' and I was too tired to do anything but trust it. It felt pretty solid. So fascinating how the body remembers........Mr. Cleveland then asked to hear Pamina's aria, which felt less solid - it confirmed for me that of the 5 on my list, Pamina is probably the stretch, in terms of fach.

Had the long (immediately following) drive to Indianapolis to decide on using a verbal rep list for Audition #2 the next day, and drop Pamina from it. That audition went very well, I thought. Mr. Indy seemed to have more time for me, and I got the sense that perhaps Indy is a more appropriately-sized house/company for my current level. He heard Caro nome, Deh vieni, and Glitter. While the latter two were not vocally perfect, I was grateful for the chance to be an actress.

I will still process all of this for a while - one does not run a marathon and then simply continue jogging as before.

the glimpse

Today's gig should have been a disaster.

The past 24 hours certainly all but ensured that it would be: I didn't sleep a wink last night (due to a panic about my travel arrangements, since rectified). I did both masses with both choirs, with a voice lesson, rehearsal, and several intense conversations with needy people in-between. I forgot to drink my lucky tea and wear my lucky underwear - and I didn't care, because this gig wasn't important to me - just a distraction from the week ahead. I felt scattered, cranky, and irritable.

However, during my 10-minute "stop-by" with D., he was able to (as he says) pull me back to the vocal "Facts": e.g. This is what to request of my body and vocal mechanism. This is where this particular vowel lives, etc.

Still, I grumbled and swore during the entire drive to the gig location. Various thoughts, such as "Why the hell did I agree to this gig when I had this trip the next day?" and "Could my hair look any worse?" and "I hope no one who matters hears me today, since I will surely sound like crap" swirled around in my head.

Still, I got there early enough to breathe, calm, and at least accept the situation for what it was.

Miraculously, it went well. Better than well, actually. Perhaps it was because I was reduced to what works...? There was no room for error - only sincerity of character and self infused into mindful technique - and trust. I added no sauce, I only gave myself over to the composer - which is unlike me.

Something very special - unbelievable - may have happened during the course of a conversation afterward, but I am afraid to even breathe a word of it in public yet. Because I am still so unbelieving.

Yet it's undeniable: there is a beam of beautiful, shimmering light smiling at me from the end of That Tunnel. I see it, I feel it. I hope to confirm it soon.

In the meantime, even the hint of this wonderful thing is a validation, it's like picking up a strong wind at my back, during mile 18 of the Marathon. I can do no wrong at these auditions this week, with this in my pocket.

diamonds

I survived another Thursday, relatively intact. I had to be the jail warden to the 35 junior choristers who'd rather just be entertained, have their Oreos and be done with it... as with any classroom dynamic, there are a few shining stars who give it 100% and never stray out of focus, but the roudy ones get all my attention. My Junior High-ers are still sweet at heart, when they think no one is looking. It is frustrating, yet wonderfully entertaining to watch 13-year-old boys vie for attention from the girls, who are so pre-occupied with their conviction that the entire world is judging them, to notice. I stand on my head to keep their attention, but don't mind because it works. The Adults are the Adults. I will not change them. It's just about getting to the tasks at hand, being kind, keeping my boundaries - especially with the one, aforementioned, overattached male. My accompanist is becoming one of my greatest friends and role models - if not for her, I would seek other pastures.

A glimmering diamond in my day: two Junior High girls are studying voice with me. The second of these two Little Women had her Very First lesson with me yesterday. Not only that, I don't believe she'd ever sung solo in front of another human being before. The fear soon gave way to delight, and I recognized and remembered - with a pang - the feeling that was so clearly shining in her face. At 13, she is totally unfiltered and true: "I can't wait to sing with you again, Angela!" I damn near cried three times during her lesson.

And now that the processing is through, I must gather and center my Singing Self. There is nothing threatening to topple me off-balance today nor tomorrow, but on Sunday I must get through morning masses AND a fundraiser/gig in the afternoon. At least I will have another go at 'Caro nome' that day, which will be a good trial run.

I sometimes find myself longing for the summer of '07, when I was given the gift, for the first time, of "just being a singer". I lived in Carmel for 5 weeks, was housed in a beautiful place, paid and treated like a real artist, given a very reasonable schedule that allowed me time to practice every day, explore the beauty around me, and be joyful in the Here and Now. The quality of every musical experience was the best it can be, and I just reveled in it. As a bonus, C. was able to come with me, and have an incredible experience of his own - so I was also free of the stress of being away from home and trying to balance that connection with current experiences...no having to explain what I was doing, and how I was growing. He was there to witness first-hand! It was a happy, happy summer.

I suppose that, during this time, I must create that result for my soul, from within...and to keep that epochal time as a reminder of where I want to be, career-wise.

email storms

There was an email storm today, right in the midst of what was supposed to be my "getaway" day of hair and facial appointments.

No word from Indianapolis? I contact Toledo and ask to sing for them (why waste a trip?). They say yes. Email from agent: no, no, Indianapolis IS going to hear you! Didn't you get my email? Why, no, I didn't. Ask Toledo about the next day, look into changing flight. I could sing for Toledo on Thurs AM if I call in sick that night (risk losing job, and at the very least, miss out on a much-needed paycheck).

(This is while my foil-covered head is sitting under the dryer)

As of today at 3pm, it's back to Plan A:

Tuesday: drive 3 hrs, sing for Cleveland

Wednesday: drive 5 hrs, sing for Indianapolis

Thursday: fly back, drive directly to church, and get through the Junior Choir rehearsal. On to opera chorus at night, but hopefully no one there will really notice that I'm in a walking coma.

Sometime during Friday and Saturday, I will have a chance to process what the hell happened.

I hope I'm able to focus on singing well, somewhere in there....

notes to self

Twice in one day!

Notes on today's practice session:

I warmed up and sang four arias with FULL awareness of my scale, having enough stretch for each vowel, etc.

I was able to keep things lined up, even throughout "Glitter" (high Eb's sitting down!)

I got tired and impatient, and blew my wad sometime during 'Caro nome'....the ending cadenza felt like strangulation.

'Belle nuit' is nearly memorized for Sunday. I'm not feeling the opening to the Lakme yet.

Tomorrow, sing for less time, focus on 'Caro' and the 'Lakme' recit. Then memorize the duet's text structure.

the heavy thing

There's this heavy thing that always weighs on me, and I'm smacked with it on occasion: the whole "when to have kids" thing.

The bottom line is, I don't feel completely free to make my own choices. This is ridiculous, because it's not true.

However, there's this progression - or perhaps, a circle - of thoughts that leads to this feeling:

1. I've been given a special gift, and years of training that's led to an ability level and skill set that makes me an artist, therefore I feel most complete and alive when I am performing onstage in a setting that utilizes all my gifts.

2. In order to feel complete and alive often enough to make me feel happy and motivated to get up in the morning - I must pursue a classical singing career. I cannot change the game that it already is, so I must follow the protocol and guidelines already established (i.e. auditioning for bigger and better roles at bigger and better companies). As a lyric coloratura, I must be at a youthful weight, be attractive, a good actress, a perfect singer (perfect, while other voice types only have to be good. Don't get me started on that), and have names to drop to get me in the door.

3. Trapped in what feels like an endless state of either Pre-audition season, or Audition Season, and given that AT ANY MOMENT my "big break" might happen - when will I ever feel free to get pregnant, much less take a break and notice the world around me?

I'm sure that my thinking is flawed at some point during the above progression - and I have a feeling a therapist would say that I've created my own chains, and can, at any point, choose to free myself from them. At the end of the day, I am so afraid of making the wrong choices, and wish this decision would just become clear to me.

I suppose that, if asked what I really want, my answer would be: to get that ONE break - acceptance into a young artist program, or role at a real company - that would put me on the regional map.

At that point, given that "guarantee" - especially if it were scheduled for a year or more down the road, I would feel free to get on with it.

Then again, perhaps the fact that I'd rather revolve pregnancy around the career, than revolve the career around pregnancy - is a sign that in my heart of hearts, I'm just not ready. And maybe, when I am ready, that will become clear to me, and I will shift my priorities without any outside signal or validation.

up to the fight

It was a lovely day. After getting some work done on the ol' computer, I went for a run in the glorious sunshine that only a Northern California October day can bring, taught a couple of piano lessons, and then wound the day down with some very focused silent/mental practice of my "Magic 5", a yoga session, and a general prayer of thanksgiving for the Here and Now.

The PMS alien is still here, providing his general undercurrent of unwarranted sadness and aimless worry - but I know what to do, and feel up to the fight.

elation and inebriation

I survived another long Sunday. This time I managed to stay somewhat disconnected to it all, if that makes any sense (of course, I wonder if all that means is that it'll back up on me later). The highlight was a voice lesson with D. His studio is the "vocal spa" - all about staying healthy, young, and balanced. He is such a dear, insistent and encouraging slave driver. I leave mentally exhausted, but appreciative and confident that I can do ANYTHING. I hope I am smart enough to time my next visit with him so that I board my plane to Cleveland with that sense of elation and calm.

In the meantime, the PMS alien has taken over my body, and I am keeping him satiated with wine and chocolate. He's content at the moment, and I can't complain, either.

state of things

I fell asleep way too late last night, still wired from the absolute stress attack inherent in my Thursdays at the church.

However, in the midst of yesterday, an email came across my Blackberry absolutely confirming my audition place and time in Cleveland. So it's on, and starting with Monday, it'll be Focus Week.

Fear wants to bubble up now and again, especially when I'm tired like this. But thankfully, I have done enough auditions by now to know my routine, and which elements I can control in order to sing my best.

True, this year will present new challenges, and given the auditions I'm choosing to pursue, the stakes are higher - there is a difference between singing for Local Company A, where everyone in the room knows me, and singing for Big Regional Company X, in the "big kids' playground". Still, fear won't help me at all - and I must have done something right to get this far.

In the meantime, I start my piano teaching today. After a long week, C. and I have tonight and tomorrow morning to catch up. We haven't had our Saturday morning "state of things" over tea/coffee in a while, so I'm looking forward to it.

thankful for my willful nature

Well, at least regarding Cleveland, I panicked unnecessarily. Wanting to cover my bases, I told S. what was going on, she put in a call for me, and evidently my audition really is happening. Whether or not the outcome would have been different had I not contacted S., I don't know.

I need to keep reminding myself of the power of my own strong will. Once the bain of my mother's existence (I was the reason she owns books about The Strong-Willed Child), I am now observing it to be an asset, a gift.

When I want laminate flooring in my house, it gets done. When I want headshots without paying for them, it gets done. I have hard evidence of what happens when I am truly determined.

Why should it be any different when it comes to my singing career?