post-Lucia blues...and an anniversary

It is a very odd thing I do, in that I consistently choose this life of extreme ups and downs. I knew this crash was coming, I started to feel its inevitability a little while ago, even in the midst of the excitement.

It's not that I, nor my physical body, miss the worry and stress. And it's not that I feel a sense of regret in any way.

I miss knowing that I have this big project in front of me that lots of people are somehow aware of and buzzing about. That's what it is - the buzz.

I already have offers for other local performances, and there is a different kind of excitement in that, because I am also looking forward to living life, for the first time, on my own terms. Letting the career "come to me" a bit, while I seek out more balance.

But I can't deny that I am sad to put the Lucia score back on the shelf, to finally address the pile of keepsakes and memories of it and decide what goes in the scrapbook, what needs to go. That's usually the defining "this experience is now over" moment for me. And within the next few weeks, there will be perhaps a straggling review that pops up, and photos and a DVD from the company - which I will receive with a clearer and more objective mind.

Career-wise (if I can just "be at the office" for a moment), I hope to keep the momentum going somehow, and every time I get an idea about how to do so, I act on it immediately. It's all I can do. Otherwise, I have to trust in word-of-mouth. There were connections made that may not come to fruition or even make sense for a while, and that's okay - I just need to stay on the radar.

I realize that today marks the 11-month anniversary of this blog, and my birthday will be here soon. With one month to go of this Tunnel year, I can honestly say that while I'm no closer to knowing what's on the other side of it, I know without any doubt that it's very, very good. Better than anything I could have come up with. And I am learning to accept that I'm in it. This, I believe, is spiritual progress.