an unexpected break

The best Thursday possible: a funeral, and various activities surrounding it, made it impossible to have choir rehearsals today OR tonight. Shucks! I guess I just have to cancel and have a day at home to do what I want to do....

I just spent two glorious hours working on Lucia. I can't get over how good it feels to sing. Perhaps my amazed relief and comfort is heightened by the fact that a year ago (my last opera - in my last appearance with a shitty company, I must add), I was trying my best to survive The Tales of Hoffmann. Those three roles never were a good fit, from the start...when someone asks me how singing all three soprano parts went, and the best thing I can say is "it worked", that's pretty sad.

On the contrary, Lucia feels like Adina, but juicier in character, and more nuanced, musically-speaking.

OSB sent our scene assignments. Looks like I am a featured member of the young artist program, with two big aria/scenes to learn - Juliette's Waltz, as well as Ophelie's Mad Scene.

I'm so excited!!!!

And worried about learning my music in time.

But mostly, excited!!!!

Posting images of the Shakespearean maidens I will play....

gratitude

Today, in no particular order, I am grateful for:

yoga

rainy air

Chad

my family

having enough

my voice

true friends

young people

mentors

endorphins

a good night's sleep

wisdom

foods that come from the earth

evening candles

music

musings on Rhapsody in Blue

Post-yoga, the world feels much kinder. It's amazing how militant I have to be about getting my exercise time in - but so worth it when I'm in that moment, once a day. From the time my running shoes hit the pavement to the final "Namaste" of the day's yoga video, I am just me, without deadlines, without caring what time it is, without worry.

Today, while driving, I heard "Rhapsody in Blue" on KDFC. Thanks to Disney's Fantasia (2000), I can't hear it without welling up.

Part 1

Part 2

What do YOU see in the ice skaters? Every time I've seen it since it first came out, I have seen a very black-and-white picture of myself as an opera singer. It's interesting how the picture has grown, taken shape, filled in with some colors, and expanded. I now see a very different picture - a more gestalt one that encompasses all my values and dreams.

This video has such hidden and profound meanings - the very fact that one person's decision to follow a dream instigates all life around him to do the same. This is life.

I will work very hard to maintain this attitude as I go into "high school" tonight with all the usual suspects.....

social anxiety

Sometimes the tunnel is just...dark. I know what's ahead - well, I know as much as it's possible to know. I have a contract that says I leave for Santa Barbara on March 29. It's just hard to imagine, when I'm filing and scanning in an office, and then teaching piano in a stranger's living room. It's even hard to imagine while I'm practicing.

In the meantime, I occasionally need a break from my self-imposed rigorous schedule. Though I did have church and a voice lesson and a few other responsibilities, I did take some time to eat chocolate, work on my floors, and watch bad T.V. It did me good.

Of course, today, it's back to reality. I won't have time to practice, but I don't feel quite panicked about it. I may have a bit of time to translate some more of Lucia tonight. It's difficult to concentrate in the evenings, I'm so wiped out from the day... but right now, it's the only time I have to prepare for the Thursday choir rehearsals.

I'm anxious about a gig tomorrow night.... the actual work is easy, recording tracks for a video game out at Skywalker Ranch. I just don't enjoy the thought of seeing some of the folks (singing colleagues) I will see... there is this very stressful, fake-friendly, competitive vibe that I just can't get into anymore. Anyone who doesn't already know what I have coming up, is not going to hear it from me. I've already told those whom I trust and love. The others don't really care, as much as they're just keeping track of whatever scoreboard keeps them playing the game.

As for me, I just need to stay focused. Situations like this are what pose a danger to that focus.

spent some time as a singer

Yesterday was a much better day - I found 40 minutes to practice. It wasn't much, but it was still progress. I then got to accompany at the school, and being around teenagers always puts me in a better mood. They're like puppies - you have to smile at their energy and open-hearted natures. True, they often seem to be getting their signals from outer space, but that's what makes them fun for me.

My observation, as I slowly make it through one pitch-and-rhythm reading of each score - both Ophelie and Lucia are about gymnastics, true, but mostly about staying in balance. I absolutely cannot push or give too much voice in any one tessitura, or the whole thing is off. It will be good practice for me, to remember to just sing pitches without adding sauce to it.

burning it at both ends

I'm not really a whiner, and I'm willing to work hard - but I have to say, this schedule is really difficult.

I'm finding it hard to get my daily practice in, which is making me quite resentful. When it comes down to it, there is this small window of time around mid-day, between racing home from San Rafael, and heading back out to teach, accompany at SI, or do a choir rehearsal (if it's Thursday).

Ideally, I'd have time to practice and exercise before heading back out the door. But when I'm pressed for time, it's practicing that goes by the wayside - because if I start skipping workouts, it's all downhill from there and then I have real problems.

The other challenge is, if I do end up having 45 min to an hour to practice, it's challenging to get into the right mental and emotional state for singing, at the snap of a finger. It's like sitting down to paint or draw or write poetry, but on a schedule. This process doesn't always work that way.

But if I am to learn this music and stay on top of things financially, this is the way it's got to be for the next 10 weeks.

Yesterday I felt totally overwhelmed and frazzled - so I came home, skipped it all, and cooked one of the delicious vegan meals I've been wanting to try, but haven't had time (the ingredients have been ready to go for a week). It turned out pretty well - Barley Casserole with Tahini Dressing (pictured).

Then I popped in a 20-minute yoga video. I felt much calmer as I headed back out to what was actually a pretty good stretch of teaching, until I ran into an Incident that made me want to cry. I have this adolescent boy who hates piano, will not practice (but fools his mom into thinking he does), won't say two words to me, and is generally a major drag to teach. I have bent over backwards to motivate him - even gave him Harry Potter instead of what he should be playing from his method books. We've had the same damned lesson for about 8 weeks now, because he won't practice and doesn't care.

Yesterday, when he wasn't even bothering to remember the basics and hadn't touched any of his assignment yet again, I told his mom "this isn't working". Mom: "he usually practices, but I don't know what's going on this week." Me: "I have yet to see him practice anything I give him." At this, she got red-hot angry, defensive, and basically showed me the door and told me to have a nice life.

I'm still not sure whether she was mad at me, or mad at her son, or just embarrassed or annoyed at the waste of money. Who knows.... all I know is, being a sensitive person, it totally depressed me for the rest of the day - in spite of the really positive lessons before and after that one. That's the thing about teaching - 99% of your students can be totally awesome and positive, but it's that 1% that we seem to take home with us.

and so begins another week in the life....

So far this is working, as long as I can stay on my self-appointed schedule.

Morning - temp job

noon - practice, and exercise

afternoon WILD CARD - students/meetings/church/housework/shopping/whatever

floors, when I have an hour or so to spare

What am I going to do with myself, when I'm just singing? Hmmm..... let me think. Smile all the time? :)

I think the florescent lighting is getting to me

Today was another long one, yet I continue to marvel at my high energy level sans caffeine. If my body is trying to tell me not to eat meat ever again, I am listening!

Loud/smiley guy was on his phone next door to me again. Everyone he talks to must be named "buddy" or "chief". He swears like a sailor, tells dirty jokes, and said some derogatory things about gays and Mormons. This is someone who lives in "the real world" and probably makes a lot of money. Football and golf seem to be his pastimes. I actually heard him, quite seriously, use the phrase "I got game". I thought people like him only existed in commercials.

Still, my brain rather enjoys the monotony of stapling, stuffing envelopes, filing, mailing, lather, rinse, repeat. It's a perfectly suitable way for me to earn a little extra money right now.

But boredom does strike, usually a couple hours into the morning. I start mocking the names on tax returns, just to amuse myself. Today I came across a couple whose names are Gerald and Beryl. Seriously - Gerald and Beryl. Like, do their friends call them Jerry & Berry?

It's come to this.

After a mid-day break of running and yoga, I taught some piano lessons and picked up some veggie Thai takeout (C. is at a choral conference).

Am I still a singer? But of course. It's just that I'm finding it hard to figure out when I'm going to practice, amidst everything else. That was the missing activity this week - excused by the head cold, for now.

I'm going to have to get used to early evening practicing. Or perhaps at SI after rehearsals? I'm really in for a challenging few months - a true test of stamina and focus.... which is a reminder to be grateful that I'm figuring out how to take care of myself, physically. There is just no room for eating badly or missing workouts. I've got to stay on ....... "my game?"

validation

Day 6 of being a veggie - and actually, Day 3 of being a vegan (which is ideal, but probably too hard for me to follow, realistically)....... I cannot believe how much energy I have. I seem to have kicked caffeine, overnight. I think I will keep caffeine as an emergency-only indulgence, but for now, with my current schedule, there's no reason to keep pumping it into my system.

Also, PMS has yet to show up. Could this be the miracle I've been hoping for??

More floor progress - this time, the dining room.

I've been listening to Ophelie's mad scene, sung by the incomparable Natalie Dessay.... I figure, if I'm going to learn a French coloratura piece, she's the MAN. Woman. Whatever. I'll translate it tonight, and perhaps see about renting the Branagh version of Hamlet this weekend. I suppose I could read the play, but I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to glean every nuance from a cold Shakespeare reading - it's been a while since I was a college freshman.

I started the temp job at the accounting firm today. This was my first experience in an office environment. While I am grateful for the extra cash, the mindless repetition, the cut-and-dry, black-and-white nature of it that I never have to take home with me - it is amazing how so many people spend so much of their lives in florescent lighting, engaging in shallow conversation, and using a small percentage of their intellectual capabilities. I suppose the CPA's are doing real work in their offices, but the walls are very thin; I was filing and piling in a room next door to one of the partners, who gabbed on the phone, loudly I might add, for the entire 4 hours I spent there. There seemed to be very little substance in these apparently important business calls.

In the end, I am so very glad that my life is about art, and not about....well....nothing.

curses! foiled again

Well, I'm sick. I guess the new job will start tomorrow, or whenever I'm better.

In the meantime, I suppose it's a reminder to slow down and take things one at a time. While I'm anxious to jump into practicing, and laying down floors - perhaps today I will need to prioritize and be careful. I have, at least, found recordings of what I need to learn - so I can feel good about doing something about it. That is what truly alleviates worry.

In the meantime, I've just gotta kick this thing.

2010: a wild ride

So far, so good, regarding the elimination of meat/dairy. I feel lighter, have more energy, and my skin is clearing up. It's Day 19 for me, so it may be too soon to determine whether or not this alleviates my usual 10 days of horror.

In the meantime, I cancelled a local gig last night, so that C. and I could fly straight home to get ourselves back into the swing of things before IT all starts tomorrow. Laundry's done, groceries bought, today we put the Xmas stuff away and try to rest a little. These three months will be a challenge, as I start this new job tomorrow (a little nervous, not because it matters, but because I'm conscientious and veering into unknown territory - an office! Eek!). It is REALLY going to be a challenge each day to be disciplined about learning Ophelie and Lucia amidst everything else I'm trying to accomplish before March 29. Then again, I tend to get more done when I'm busier.

I had an unexpected sadness last night; The Boss called to tell me he's retiring at the end of June. He wanted me to hear it from him, before he announces it this morning at masses. I am so very sad and shocked - although he is 72 years old and I should have seen it coming.

Because of my internal shifts, but also due to outside ones - 2010 will be a year of tremendous changes.