Al fine...

Well, dear readers, our year of blogging is up. I am 33.

As I re-read my very first post of a year ago, I reflect on where I was; I had a sense of heading into a Tunnel of transition - a dark and frightening one, at the end of which I truly believe was - is - bright light.

I'd say that the biggest surprise is how much joy there was to be found in that Tunnel. We don't have to know where we're going to enjoy the ride (not to suddenly start speaking "bumper sticker").

Am I closer to knowing what's at the end? Probably not. But perhaps that's what one's earthly life is - an ever-shifting Tunnel, one with a promise of light at the end which, at some times, seems nearer, than it does at others.

I do see very real evidence that by setting my sights higher on the horizon, by heading into this past singer's season with a better sense of my own value and values, I managed to scoot my way up a rung on the ladder.

Not that it's ever been about altitude. It's more about air quality.

I look back at the questions I had one year ago:

"How will I define myself within a business (opera) whose rules of engagement, politics, and definition of success, are so solidly etched, so unchangeable? How does my life, the person God created me to be, fit into that machine? And perhaps a followup to that question is, MUST I fit into it?"

If any progress has been made by this struggling human being this year, it is my understanding that my true happiness is begotten of recognizing the so-called 'machine' as the vehicle for my art - but that IT fits into ME. I am a slave to no one, and certainly not my singing career. I define it on my terms. There is so much living to do, that does not fall into the category of Accomplishment=Reward.

I sometimes fantasize that Europeans have a better sense of how to achieve that healthy balance, but I know, deep down, that it's a decision that comes from within, regardless of one's native country.

You know that I am still waiting for answers about what lies ahead, this coming season...whether or not I will officially leave church work behind and start the solo life of the soloist. Whether or not I will expand my horizons, my loves, my heart's focus, beyond work. I promise to return and post any updates, as a way of tying up any loose ends I am setting down at this moment.
And so, dear, faithful and few readers of my humble blog: I am grateful for you, for your support, for your empathy. It has been quite a ride.

Namaste.

"Just keep swimming...."

Still waiting for the fog to clear, so that I may see the road ahead more clearly.

One of today's projects is to record some songs from South Pacific (yes, really!) and dash off the mp3's to an artistic director.

There's really no point in analyzing the "why" of any of it right now, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.

Too many possibilities for this coming spring and year, too many potential conflicts.

Depending on what transpires over the next few weeks, I could either:

A. go on living life in the Bay Area, working at St. Stephen, SI, and the opera chorus, and juggling the solo gigs I already have confirmed, constantly apologizing to people as I work out conflicts (in other words, the usual shenanigans)

B. Start the new year down South, come back in time to sing for a brief but lovely weekend in La Jolla, then dash off to Utah for 9-10 weeks, returning in time to start rehearsals for next fall's Abduction.

Which means that I'd have no choice but to put in my notice at the church, and move, full-kilt into the life of a working singer.

Not to mention the fact that the gigs themselves may conflict with each other, which is a whole 'nother thing.

But as of today, I just don't know what's going to happen. Which is really bizarre, while I'm making the year's calendar for the Junior choir and planning their schedule through June.

Swimming, swimming.....

"be careful what you wish for..."

Many fishing lines out, as always - but the difference is, now I'm getting bites. I'm happy to report that finally, one of them, is from outside of California.

It is all too much to sort through, sometimes - especially with St. Stephen being the bubbling, festering lava pit of emotion and tension due to A. change, and B. resentment about the previous leadership - yesterday's meeting just the tip of the iceberg. That place - that job - is the most difficult and complicated impediment to my singing career. I need the steady income, but also need the freedom to be gone when I need to be. It's a constant fight.

But no matter, I must keep my eye on the horizon. I've come too far to lose focus now. But I must say, the year ahead is daunting.

totally overwhelmed....

The Meeting went reasonably well. Many important items were discussed. I felt the familiar tension that comes with feeling an irrational responsibility for everyone's happiness and comfort, sensitive to every lift of an eyebrow, every vocal tone. It wears me out.

The next step: calling all choir members today, and asking them to a meeting tomorrow morning, whereby G. and I will outline the changes (as in, I'm stepping down) and "get their feedback" (that's the politically correct way of making them feel a part of the decision - but it is made, my friends!).

This was followed by an invigorating session with D. I hadn't expected mountains to be moved, since we are at the note-learning stage of a role, and given the distracted state in which I arrived.... but it, instead, served as a visit back to my best self, the self that loves to sing and share with others, who is starting to truly be unfettered by feelings of inferiority, starting to accept and appreciate God's gift in a totally new way.

It made the prior meeting seem to fade into the distance.

I was approached last night with a very intriguing opportunity that could yield many wonderful things, but wreak havoc with my already confusing schedule and prospects (especially when it comes to St. Stephen, that ever-present millstone around my neck). Since I went to bed at 2am due to the opening night what-have-you, today is not the day to make decisions.

Still, I can't ignore the fact that this is a tumultuous year from the start, and decisions will be forced upon me right and left, whether or not I am ready for them.

Thank God I have a very inviting and engaging escape right now: The incomparable Jane Eyre.

The Meeting

Today is the meeting with the new pastor and G. I hope that we can come to a peaceful resolution that works for everyone. I hope I walk out of there with less responsibility, clarity, and peace about the coming year. And of course it has to happen on the same day as a voice lesson, opening night of Aida, and a very late night because of the party afterward. I feel tired just thinking about today.

I just pray that I will be in a positive space in time to see D. today. We have a lot of music to get through, and I can't be distracted by the church business.

Right now I feel angry and frustrated when I walk into that place. Yesterday was difficult. The first day back is always a bit depressing, because attendance is low. Keeping the kids coming back takes work, and time. It takes visits to classrooms, standing on my head, offering awards, keeping them engaged.

I don't mind all that, if I am happy with the way things are being run behind the scenes. Difficult to separate my irritation with the staff (adults) from my connection with the kids.

What gets old is being made to feel guilty that "we just spend so much money on music here". It was thrown up in my face again yesterday. I'm just like, if you don't have the money, or choose not to make it a priority, fire us all. If you don't fire us, then shut up about it.

I hate having to deal with all of this while I'd rather be working on my singing. Yet another day went by when I did not have time to practice and fill out applications. I went home really resentful - thankfully, I was so physically tired from the day that I fell asleep.

Just want to get through that crucial hour today...

Square One

I'm starting to feel like my old self again. Which means juggling St. Stephen and opera chorus, while keeping an eye on the audition notices and lining up the December NY trip.

In the meantime, I find myself back at Square 1: learning notes. I feel that familiar impatience rising in me - I'm always in such a hurry to get to the fun part, the rehearsing and staging of music I've already internalized....bringing a character to life.

I suppose it's harder, given the glow I feel when remembering the final product of Lucia. But I do remember being at this stage with her, too.

I wish the rest of my responsibilities would just go away, so that I can concentrate on Romilda. I have a meeting Friday, and I have a feeling it will take at least a couple weeks for me to extricate myself from the adult choir, for them to accept it, for the new system to get established. After 3 years there, I have to really fight to keep it from taking over my life. But I am determined to do this on my own terms. As my beloved G. herself said, "you can settle into a church job when you're 57, like me. But now is the time to devote to your God-given talent. Anyone can just sing, but not everyone can do what you do."

swing of things

If not thrilled, I'm at least starting to accept my present circumstances. I'm in familiar territory - juggling a schedule of opera chorus, church stuff, accompanying, and learning a new role - all while keeping one eye open for career-advancement opportunities, making several decisions every day in that department.

I'm finding it hard to find that "zen" place that came so easily to me over the summer. Even with all the adrenaline and excitement aside, the most wonderful aspect about being in the throes of a production is that, I am "allowed" to just be in the present moment, and put all else aside, all worries about what's next. It's a lovely way to live - and yet, I remind myself that it's a choice, that I can choose to live that way all the time.

It's just difficult when there is the reality that as a singer who's chosen a solo path, I work as an independent contractor, which means: it's not about the job I have, it's about constantly looking for the next one.

I will say this about the ridiculously inefficient rehearsal process for the opera chorus: I find myself with many paid hours spent waiting backstage, during which I can learn Romilda.

contemplating the next hike

No significant news here, it's just another day - the schedule right now is very light, and I am still "on hold" re. St. Stephen as I wait for my new pastor's response...

D. had a great analogy - that while I should expect a period of "post partum depression" after scaling a great height, I should not forget that there is indeed another mountain to climb. I'm not yet ready to venture into the next foothills, but I am forcing myself to face them and 'size them up' - meanwhile, organizing the parts of my life I've had to ignore over the past couple months.

There is a satisfaction to doing these things (housework, answering messages, allowing my body to recover from the past few weeks' barrage of junk food/caffeine/cortisol)....even if there is a bit of lingering sadness, and (probably unfounded) worry that I will never do another meaningful bit of singing again.

In the larger picture, I have gone from acceptance, to annoyed acceptance, to resentment, about the way my life is structured and dictated - while the choice to pursue a solo career is mine, I am so frustrated at the reality of still having to work several jobs to make it work. It makes me angry to still feel controlled by outside forces...what was okay at 22 does not feel okay at 32.

I have this notion - and from what I observe in other singers I have met and admired, it's true - that if I could only break through to the regional level, there would be a calm to my/our everyday existence in that I wouldn't have to spread myself so thinly. Perhaps 4 jobs could become 2 that I really enjoy - hence, freedom.

How do I get there? I have no map, no compass - only snapshots of other hikers and the direction in which they seem to be heading.

P.S. Adding today's running run-in: during my jog, saw a lady who smiled and gave me a thumbs-up, and I took out my iPod only in time to hear that whatever encouraging comment she made ended with "forward". I was sorry I'd missed the rest of what she said, until I realized that "forward" was probably the most important word for me to hear.

post-Lucia blues...and an anniversary

It is a very odd thing I do, in that I consistently choose this life of extreme ups and downs. I knew this crash was coming, I started to feel its inevitability a little while ago, even in the midst of the excitement.

It's not that I, nor my physical body, miss the worry and stress. And it's not that I feel a sense of regret in any way.

I miss knowing that I have this big project in front of me that lots of people are somehow aware of and buzzing about. That's what it is - the buzz.

I already have offers for other local performances, and there is a different kind of excitement in that, because I am also looking forward to living life, for the first time, on my own terms. Letting the career "come to me" a bit, while I seek out more balance.

But I can't deny that I am sad to put the Lucia score back on the shelf, to finally address the pile of keepsakes and memories of it and decide what goes in the scrapbook, what needs to go. That's usually the defining "this experience is now over" moment for me. And within the next few weeks, there will be perhaps a straggling review that pops up, and photos and a DVD from the company - which I will receive with a clearer and more objective mind.

Career-wise (if I can just "be at the office" for a moment), I hope to keep the momentum going somehow, and every time I get an idea about how to do so, I act on it immediately. It's all I can do. Otherwise, I have to trust in word-of-mouth. There were connections made that may not come to fruition or even make sense for a while, and that's okay - I just need to stay on the radar.

I realize that today marks the 11-month anniversary of this blog, and my birthday will be here soon. With one month to go of this Tunnel year, I can honestly say that while I'm no closer to knowing what's on the other side of it, I know without any doubt that it's very, very good. Better than anything I could have come up with. And I am learning to accept that I'm in it. This, I believe, is spiritual progress.

floating

It's an odd thing, this 'limbo' existence. Of all my imaginings about Lucia, reality-based and otherwise, I never really thought about the during part. The being-in-the-middle.

These days "off" are so surreal.... life continues to go on around me. A tragic death has occurred at St. Stephen, a family I know well. Obama and oil spills and immigration and gay marriage is being discussed - there are places in the world that do not care about Lucia di Lammermoor.

I know and understand all this, but in spite of my efforts to feel normal for two days straight, I walk around like a zombie, numb.

Doing some cooking today, as therapy. Emails still float around, unanswered. There are hints of changes in the air, but nothing is certain. It's looking like a very different audition season for me - in a good way. But again, no certainty to be found, anywhere - except in a recipe.

releases

Yoga led to a good cry. It's amazing how often that happens.

One can only withstand so much 'noise'.

Off to see a Will Farrell movie..... many of you who know me well will recognize this as a sign of desperate times.....

the inevitable first reviews

I'd say, in the end, all we can do is our best. While I'm onstage, it's like being a computer that only I understand, with all programs running at once. There are some glitches, and one can only control so much.

I gave with truth and commitment, and so far no critic has stated otherwise. Not everyone will love me. Though I am getting tired of the buildup - the "let's see what this local unknown can do" kind of pressure. To paraphrase Legally Blonde: what are they expecting - three tits?

http://www.mercurynews.com/california/ci_15711837

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/08/08/DDUP1ER020.DTL

Opening Night

I can only repeat this prayer:

Be open to every moment, accept it as it is.

Remember my back.

Remember my breathing.

Let this person be truly alive, truly real.

Just stay on that small and electric pitch - the oboe, letting her spirit bubble forth from it.

I am not responsible for the whole world, just myself.

Thank God.

Life is good.

Amen.

a prayer

Tonight is our final dress, a Preview with an audience for the first time.

My post-yoga prayer finds me at the Oakville Monastery, probably a version I've created in my head based on the real thing. It's green, quiet, the vineyards sway in the breeze.

Be open to every moment, accept it as it is. Remember my back. Remember my breathing. Let this person be truly alive, truly real. Just stay on that small and electric pitch, letting her spirit bubble forth from it. I am not responsible for the whole world, just myself. Thank God. Life is good. Amen.

a blissful schizophrenia

An acting teacher talked about the Artist's relationship to The Watcher.

The Watcher is that part of us that critiques us from without, the one who makes us self-conscious, the one who says "don't" and "be careful".

The Watcher can be helpful in some cases, deathly in others.

I find myself living as The Watcher these days, while the Artist just takes over and does her thing when it's time to do so - and surprises The Watcher with her audacity, her strength, her ability to stay focused, her enjoyment. It's a strange out-of-body existence.

Articles keep popping up over the internet about the Artist, and she is due to call a public radio station for a live interview tonight. Then it's a piano tech, immersing herself in Lucia once again - chipping away at walls, enjoying those that have already fallen down.

The Watcher tries to calm the hysteria by convincing herself that no one outside of the Bay Area cares about this - but the Artist seems to know better.

a constant state of "up"

Nothing new to report.... I am still on the tightrope, still not sleeping (lest a brilliant new thought comes to me and I miss it!!!!), still not tasting food, still not sure what to do with myself when I am not singing Lucia.

More than ever, I am desperately needing to connect with colleagues - if only not to feel so alone. There are glimmers of such promise.... I hope for more to come as tech week "magic" begins to develop.

I already begin to think of the Mean Reds that will befall me when this is all over. But that's not now.

Sitzprobe tonight - C. had to remind me that this is when the fun begins. I hope he's right.

onward, Christian divas

Pastor Emeritus' blog post of last week discusses prayer - our concept of, and approach to, prayer. He underlined three important things to remember as we pray: 1. to just be where we are. Not to put our fears, concerns, bad moods, bad hair days, swollen vocal cords, "singer phlegm", and anger aside - but to just accept all of those things and start from that place. 2. trust in the most positive outcome - not just hope for it, but believe it to be already done. 3. Forgive others. Let go, and truly forgive.

And of course, our prayers do not change God. They change us.

These concepts came full circle as I went through rehearsals yesterday. As with most mornings right now, I did my best to take it easy physically, doing whatever exercise my instincts tell me is right for that day - not too much, not too little. And there is Facebook and the radio to keep me distracted as I wait to just jump in and do it already! By 4pm, I was reviewing the staging with my Tenor (his first day back after illness). There was some tension as his over-eager understudy advised him, and Tenor had his own (often conflicting) ideas - for me, it was an exercise in graciousness as I just rolled with it and tried to get along with everyone.

[I'm also hoping he's not still contagious, as we are obviously in close contact. I do not have an understudy].

Hence, by the dinner break I was exhausted. I drove to a quiet neighborhood to eat my leftover veggie burger and unplug for a while. It occurred to me that the worry is what is most exhausting, second only to the need to pretend that I am confident and comfortable in the role of prima donna. One can only uphold a charade for so many hours per day.

I find that I get depressed by the dinner break - I'm not sure if it's that I'm coming down off of caffeine, or a drop in blood sugar levels, etc. But yesterday I decided to give in to it, and just be tired. I just rested my eyes, there in the sanctuary of my car, played around on my phone, just decompressed. And while I was doing so, I remembered P.E.'s post.

It occurred to me that perhaps I might try to approach rehearsal with the same concepts in mind:

1. To just be where I am, in terms of A. my actual process of learning to sing this well and bringing the character to life, and also, B. my fear. Using my fear, and even celebrating it - letting it motivate the character, looking at it as a strength: that perhaps the image is not a cowering, fearful person - but more like a quivering, vulnerable, out-on-a-limb human being, courageously exposing one's true and imperfect self - which frankly, is the best state in which we connect with each other as artists, with our audience, with others offstage, and to God.

2. Trust in a positive outcome. This needs no elaboration.

3. Forgive - or perhaps better put in this context - let go. Let go of misgivings about whether or not I belong here.... the fact is, I'm here. Let go of that which I cannot control - board members sitting in on rehearsals unannounced, critics, who attends on which night, being liked or not (ooh, a big one).

I can't say I was a perfectly enlightened being when I arrived for the 7pm rehearsal last night, but my experience was markedly different, and I even felt more at peace. Whether it was evident to those seeing and hearing me, I don't know - but I felt that I had stronger footing.

The downside, of course, is that I was so elated from this small personal triumph, that I couldn't get to sleep last night.

What can I say? - I'm a work in progress.... and another day begins.

a tuneup for the spirit

It occurred to me that I haven't actually talked about the Lucia process thus far: the role now has a journey in my throat and mind, a series of peaks and valleys, some moments call for more special attention to technique than others...I feel secure (and validated by the director & conductor) in my acting choices, in the arc of the character, in my relationship to the others.

I am in love with my colleagues - they are perfectly suited to their roles, beautiful, charming, and interesting - they sing so well that I forget to worry about them. A nice change from what I'm used to.

My tenor is a bit of the "precious artist" - he has been out sick all week, and the momentum has been temporarily halted.

I have a feeling that this week will be long, difficult, and exhausting. All I can do is wait for it to get here.

It is depressing to have to switch gears and be a Sunday morning cantor tomorrow morning. But that's life.

Lest you think there was never a resolution to this week's "D. drama"......

From the time I started the "wind down" routine last night before bed, to this morning as I geared up: my every intention was to walk into D's studio today with a full and brave heart, to show him everything I am able to show to complete strangers, to be the artist I am when there is nothing to lose.

It was clear when I arrived, that he had also resolved to approach our lesson with a gentler and more objective hand. After a very positive recap of the week's events and spirited (ahem) communications, we got down to work. After the warmup, everything I sang from Lucia I did with the staging and intent, essentially walking that tightrope, naked, for all the world to see and judge. It scared the hell out of me, but I also felt that which only performing brings me - the thrill of being fully alive.

With reminders of where to pay special attention and remember certain technical considerations, his final response: "Brava. You are ready."

I wonder if he knows how his approval makes me spill over with elation.

on- and off-stage DRAMA

This week started very badly, and has since mellowed, like a fine wine.... it's not quite wonderful yet, but I can sense that it will only get better.

D. and I had what I can only call a gigantic "head butt" during Monday's lesson. We each left hurt and angry. As dramatic as it sounds, at the heart of it is this: we both felt the anxiety that came from my being away on vacation for the entire week before the beginning of Lucia rehearsals.

In that state, neither of us was being objective, nor rational.

Sad about how that had all gone down, I sought the counsel of The Two who know him best, and have often served as referee, and loving third party to the relationship with D..... they are to be commended for their patience and willingness to wade through this. I'm sure they have other things to do... yet they are unfailingly supportive, and will be in the audience with D. on opening night.

Their thoughts on the situation provided me with clarity, reassurance, and perspective.... all of which I completely lacked this week, as I went into MAJOR SURVIVAL MODE [this Lucia schedule is a thrilling roller coaster ride without a safety bar - the likes of which I have never experienced - I am already forgetting to eat, so I'm being careful to remind myself of the basics - we have staged the entire thing in 3 days. I have decided not to panic yet about the fact that my tenor has been out all week with bronchitis, so his cover is struggling through and my scenes with him are just a hot mess].....

Anyway, in a nutshell, I had come to Monday's lesson thinking of it as a "coming away" from My Beast, as a checking in of Vocal Technique in a sterile, "lab" setting. D. was expecting the whole picture, so that he might better envision the Artist as I would be presenting her to the director and conductor later that evening. The more shock tactics he tried to use to pull me out of my shell, the more I resisted, until finally we retreated to our corners, each waiting a couple of days to offer a defensive and emotionally-charged email to the other.

The Two offered a reminder of the Big Picture - mutual respect, and mutual goals. Everyone to your corners, please. TIME OUT!!

I was pondering it all the way home last night, and when I pulled up, in came a very formal and polite email (in response to a voice mail I left that morning) from himself, confirming my lesson time and the suggestion that on Saturday we "address any concerns and then move on in preparation for my performances".

I replied with 1. a reassurance that, given the positive feedback I'm getting from my directors, he had prepared me very well, 2. a reminder that I truly want to make him proud, and 3. a promise to be more brave.

His response to my "email love":

A very thorough treatise on "Io son l'umile ancella" from Adriana Lecouvrer - and an assignment to find YouTube clips of Tebaldi and Callas, demonstrating their abilities to "use music (pitch) as the means of conveying (acting) the musical setting."

I view his return to "lecture mode" as a sure sign that Peace Reigneth once again.

and so it begins

Well, after a week of totally "unplugging" in Hawaii, distracted by the new sights and sounds of a new place - Lucia is officially on.

Unfortunately, due to the jet lag and accumulated piles of chaos, I feel very off. At the moment, I'm trying to figure out the smartest way to be ready for the day (lesson with Dewey, after a week of no singing, then a costume fitting and first staging rehearsal, which starts with the aria).

I suppose, to paraphrase a quote of Meryl Streep's: "the best way to start, is by starting."

first dip in the pool

Because our tenor will have a conflict and the company is working around him, our first musical rehearsal was yesterday - two full weeks early.

I felt prepared, frustrated at some physical limitations due to being sick, but overall, totally ready. I didn't worry about being "fabulous", I just sang the plan as outlined in my preparation, with total sincerity and commitment.

I got zero feedback. I suppose I will just have to trust that if I don't get a comment of any kind, that what I'm doing is acceptable. I was irked when the conductor did compliment everyone else, but that's the way it goes.

The other singers are A-house, top-notch, world-class. I am in awe.

good points, other points

D. and I traveled quite a bit this week. Monday's lesson was probably doomed from the start given that I'd come from an hour with S., over-singing and trying to understand what I now confirm is bad technique - I was getting sick, and my throat just would NOT put up with any bullshit. I was also pissed that she wasn't focused on me at all. As diva-like as that sounds, I ampaying her $50/hour. I know that it's summer, and her life is all about the Program she runs - which further adds to the pile of frustrations and dashed hopes I have when it comes to my relationship with That Company.

That's what I mean about being doomed from the start. The worse I felt physically, the less I was able to respond to D. - which led him to dig his heels in even more, until, after 2 hours, we shut our scores and retreated to our corners. I left in a dizzy, teary blur - probably more due to fever than anything else, but I know he caught it. Within an hour he emailed me, with sober reminders of what went well that day. There was also a masked apology in there for two things: 1. Insisting on his version of things, as opposed to the version I've adopted according to BV. 2. Pushing me ahead to a passage I told him I hadn't had time to prepare for him, and then beating me over the head for not being prepared.

Today, while I do have a full-blown cold, he and I were still able to meet halfway in a calmer place, and with cooler heads we both had an "aha!" moment: that 95% of the problens he's after me about, are fixed when I support properly. When he discovered this, we both realized that this is what he needs to underline first.... chances are, it will fix the rest.

Also, the librarian in me strikes again: I mentioned seeing a piano marked in my score, which was leading me astray and off my support. He roared and bellowed in his charming way, and in a nutshell told me to "screw the dynamics. Those are for the orchestra. You are the leading lady."

I wonder if I will ever get comfortable being in this position? I think I need to get me somma this:

Beyonce has Sasha Fierce, after all...... I mean, look at that! Diva-licious!

buoys

Three recent bolsters:

From Mom, a sweet and encouraging card with thie Maori Proverb on the front: "Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."

From a singer friend, in response to my concerns that I won't have made enough progress in my technique and process in time for these performances: "Whatever you sounded like last September, they liked enough to hire you to do this. Even if you progress a tiny bit, you will still be better than what they are expecting."

From my Musical Grandmother, in response to my stress at receiving conflicting directions from various teachers and coaches: "In the end, when you have done all the work, it will be Angela up there, singing to us. And we are there to hear Angela. Not your teachers." She offered this anecdote: when she gave a recital at one point during her college years, an audience member said to her afterward: "I can tell that you did exactly what your teacher told you to do." GM reminded me that this is the worst 'compliment' an artist can receive.

Words to live by.

perspective...

On Thursday I had one of "those" lessons with D. They happen when A. I'm tired, or B. singing music I know too well to change old habits quickly.

In this case, since it was Lucia, the reason was A.

However, in spite of making me extremely frustrated at myself, it was incredibly helpful, in that it has brought my attention to my specific practice habits... When learning a role in the past, I have always been rather frantic about being "memorized" ASAP, because I would rather die than sing a wrong note or word in public. Silly, but true.

The irony is that I have not been as patient about really letting my throat learn, and getting my brain accustomed to having the entire phrase in mind before I inspire - hence memorizing the right way (not just intellectually, which is ultimately useless to the artist). D. assures me that there is still plenty of time, and to quote him directly: "once you let the throat have its time to learn the facts, then nothing more need be done. Sincerity is then more easily accomplished, and the phrases are ready to go from memory."

To that end, I will go back to the "lab" this weekend, using Chad's arrival home as a 'deadline' to keep me on task.

OFF-SUBJECT:

I had dinner with my grandmother the other night, and for the first time, the Adult Me met the Adult Individual Her. I believe this happens to us all, if we are lucky enough to have a relative around for this long. She listened, she was kind, she was patient, and she was positive. Perhaps it's being 84 that has mellowed her and made her more forgiving of life's surprise turns. She was even interested in my newfound vegetarianism, and we talked about cooking, altering recipes to make them vegan, etc. And for someone who grew up in a fearful, non-affectionate, and rigid household, she has come a long way if she is now able to freely say "I love you so much, and couldn't be prouder of my grand-daughter."

Speaking of life's surprise turns..... I went home with a grateful heart that night. A good reminder that Lucia just doesn't matter.

no substitute for hard work

So... yesterday D. insisted we work on Act III (the mad scene). Observations:

- This week, I've been really deliberate about NOT just singing it all and blowing my voice out. Instead, I've been setting aside a small chunk at a time, working through, being really sure of the pitches, how they feel in the throat, making decisions about ornaments and really working them in.

The only place I hadn't reached by yesterday was Act III. That this kind of work is needed, before all other aspects are built in, was made really obvious when I wasn't able to respond to D. without the distraction of ambiguity re. pitches/text etc.

- However, there was one little phrase that I'd worked really hard on, and when I sang it, he got really excited and said, "well, if you sing this way, you have us."

All of this is to say that: practice does pay off, and that is very encouraging. When I see him again tomorrow, I will have done my work on Act III and it should be a very different lesson.

hope arises

I just practiced for 2 hours. Now that I've made a list, with the most worrisome sections at the top, descending to the sections I know cold and have even performed now..... I am starting to be able to think clearly enough to organize this role in my mind.

I start and end each practice session with the mad scene cadenza. Obviously, it's easier to sing after I'm fully warmed up.

Each cadenza and decision about phrasing is becoming more solidified, some are even at the point of mindlessness (in terms of technique and intellect) - hence the beginnings of experimentation with nuance/color/characterization.

Dare I say it? This might just become fun.

I think I might just pull this off - and exceed even my expectations.

pressure cooker

It just seems Providential that, on my 32nd birthday I decided to start this blog, meant to be kept for one year, as I move through a Tunnel into a new life chapter.... and as if in a movie, the entire journey is rapidly catapulting into a frenzied finale, as I find my way through the realization of my first Lucia - under a new and almost paralyzing kind of pressure.

I wonder how the movie ends....

Wednesday's gig was a frightening yet positive cocaine-like (as I'd imagine it) adrenaline high. It was a 2-hour Question/Answer period with an audience of retired UC Berkeley staff/faculty, with performed Lucia excerpts (frantically memorized for the occasion, and staged on the spot) followed by a discussion thereof;

Standouts, in no particular order:

- I have great onstage chemistry with my cast mates. Offstage, it's rather awkward. I am intimidated by their credits, but sense that my abilities are on par with theirs.

- JK moderated, an aspect that was like a soothing balm to my wracked nerves. I am eternally indebted to him for giving this unknown soprano a chance several years ago, starting with Faust at Livermore, etc. He not only gave the audience a thorough, entertaining, and genuine presentation, asking great questions, etc - he facilitated a really important "first meeting" between the artistic staff and singers, one that may not have gone as smoothly nor revealed our true natures to each other, had we all met in another, perhaps more formal, context. Among his kind and encouraging smiles, he gently referred to me as the "diva Angela", and something in his tone indicated "I'm proud of you, kid." Really warmed my heart.

- I learned that I am not the only one concerned about the very short rehearsal period; it was helpful to know that, even for my seasoned SFO-veteran colleagues, this is an unusual situation.

- our stage director is kind, gentle, and apparently free of unnecessary ego (seems to be a trademark of this company). However, he is primarily a choreographer, and has never directed an opera before.... I am terrified of being left to my own devices for the Mad Scene!

- most questions were either directed to me, or were about me. If the whole concept of "I am the star of this production" hadn't sunk in before Wed, it certainly has now.

I spent 3 hours with D. on the Mad Scene yesterday, and still felt so anxious about it that I looked it over before bed last night. MISTAKE! I only slept for 3-4 hours.

In dealing with all of this, all I really have to go on is my own common sense about what I can do about it today. In spite of how horrible/sleep-deprived I feel, I will do a little cleaning and organizing of our living space, practice in a methodical and efficient way, exercise, and be very diligent about the crucial winding down process that I must have in order to fall asleep.

It's very, very lonely without C. here to talk through it. I haven't heard from him yet, but from reading the itinerary, I would be very surprised if he even has time to eat. It's a really crazy schedule, and having gone on a few of these wild goose chases before myself, I know how it is, and that he would email/call if he could.

It just sucks not to have talked to him on our TENTH anniversary!

TBNL (The Boss No Longer) remembered the occasion and called, though, as did G. And I will have some nice interactions with friends in the coming week, to blow off steam.

There is a LOT of steam.

today and tomorrow

C. left for the 2-week Europe tour today. And so begins the reality of "hunkering down" for me (I plan to have this daunting role in my voice and memorized by the time he comes back) ... tomorrow is yet another nerve-wracking Lucia gig, with three of us pretending to be ready to perform excerpts for an audience of retired UC Berkeley faculty. It was cute; my tenor called today for no apparent reason, I think mostly just to share our fear of this.

Had a lesson with S., which did not lessen my fear any. The wind has been quite violent and my allergies have flared up - I have to work extra hard to keep my voice on track right now. Which is unfortunate when I'm trying to remember words.

Had a visit with The Boss today.... I am happy for him as he moves on to a much-deserved retirement life, but sad that I won't have an excuse to see him as often. It is nourishment to the soul to be in the presence of one so centered and kind, who also seems to see the same qualities in me - it is a reminder that there are some places in life where I am truly "good enough".

In the meantime, back on the other side, where I am constantly fighting to be and feel "good enough":

Lucia is a major stress right now, and it's keeping my brain's "worry center" occupied. But of course it will pass, and every once in a while (like this afternoon), I get a glimpse of life after it's over. Times, they are a-changin'..... I foresee many huge changes this year. I can feel it in my bones. Am I sad? I suppose. But I think I'd be far sadder if nothing ever changed.

reflection

I feel emptied out today, like the sky after a good hard rain.

Fr. Reginald died.... the funeral was yesterday at St. A's. As usually happens when I visit Napa and see all the faces and greenery and feel the love of people who don't know the adult me.... it overcame me last night, and I had a good cry as I led my body through some cleansing yoga.

Fr. R. was specially kind, loving, part of a serene mountaintop world that is the Carmelite Monastery, part of the backdrop against which I formulated my concept of The Church and where it lives within my life.

How far away I am from that world, not realized before yesterday.

How complicated it all gets, how careful we are about expressing love to others, how busy we get with our anger, our fear, our fighting.

On top of that green and shady hill, men wear birkenstocks and talk only when there's a reason to... Jesus is the quiet friend, not to be found in statues and icons....nature has a chance to be noticed and appreciated. Silence gives way to acceptance and understanding.

I suppose such a place is particularly attractive to me at this anxious time. I can't decide whether my fear is:

- of failing - or worse yet, being "just okay" as Lucia.

OR,

- of being more powerful than I'm ready to be.

I suspect it's a little of both. I suppose that all I can control is the amount and quality of work I can do each day. I wake up, I devise a plan that fits in with all my other obligations, and I just start.

Perhaps it's in the getting up, and getting to it, that the battle is eventually won.

major detours

Weeks ago, S. had recommended I sing for Mr. Important @ SFO, since he will soon be leaving SF to be casting director at a German opera house. Unfortunately, he is terribly hard to get a hold of, and schedules things at the last minute. He emailed last night to say that he could only do 11am this morning, if I wanted to sing for him.

It took yesterday's lesson with D. to discover that this month's period has TRASHED me. I was still not in a good vocal/mental state this morning, but what could I do?...it wasn't a formal audition, and Mr. Important played for me himself, casting very judgmental glances my direction every few seconds. He basically asked me to sing everything in my binder, things I haven't sung in years, seemed unhappy with my audition rep - even asked for Lucia's aria, which I hadn't sung in front of anyone yet... and tore me to shreds for an entire hour. He is not a very nice person. I began to deflate fairly soon after we started, and never got back up. Let's just say I feel about an inch tall. After tomorrow's gig (singing the Lucia duet in front of the maestro with no rehearsal - I'm beyond frustrated), hopefully the distractions will subside and I can get focused and revved up again.

As I have finally admitted to D. and to myself:

Try as I might to pretend otherwise, I am absolutely frozen with fear about Lucia.
There is always some degree of trepidation for me at the start of a new role, but in past productions I have had the luxury of time that comes with a mediocre company's tendency to over-rehearse...I'm not sure how to recreate this assuredness on my own. One can only practice at home alone so much. I'm starting to feel crazy - oh, the irony. It's amazing how healthy one has to be to approach a mad scene.

However, through my daze, I have made an important discovery about the character for Lucia - and her inspiration comes from a 14-year-old student of C's. She is the exact kind of human I need to channel.

Another distraction - this week, a completely bizarre and mind-boggling offer came out of the West Coast Auditions: Constanze? Really?

I decided to say yes, but because of what I want to learn for myself, not because it's the ideal role for me. And both BV and S. think it's a good idea. D. is, as always, very protective of my voice, so he's less enthusiastic. But he will help me sing it as me, not as an imitation of someone else.

They wanted an answer by today - what a horrible time to have to make a decision like that. I hope I don't regret it later....

I thanked D., as always, for his patience. Singers are such a freakin' mess.

routines

What a week..... here it is, Monday again and time to start anew, but I'm still tired.

These next few weeks are the part of a new role I don't like: pounding notes, alone. There is no way around it - I have a lot of music to learn. I'm trying to stick to a daily routine of a 2-hour workout followed by a 2-hour practice session. Today's a bit different, since I scheduled a coaching to help me through some stuff I have to prepare for Saturday's gig.

Various stress-inducers float around my head all day;

- unfortunately, I've put myself in charge of The Boss' retirement card and gift on behalf of all St. Stephen musicians...because of the various retirement festivities and special mass music, my choir year isn't over for a few more weeks.

- I'm a little resentful today that after cooking for 6 hours straight on Saturday, I brought a lot of homemade food over to the rectory yesterday, only to be met with what should have been a predictable response from Tall Friend: grumble grumble, if it's healthy it must not have any taste, grumble grumble - when will I get it through my head that this is the generation that believes strongly in eggs, bacon, and sheet cake? no response from The Boss yet, so I wonder if they didn't see the card or the food, yet it would be tacky to bring it to their attention, so I will just let it go ......

- my manager is not very proactive, nor is she big on interacting in person - hence, in spite of her promise to follow up with the companies confirmed to have been at the West Coast Auditions, I have little faith that anything will happen - similar to my cooking efforts, this makes me feel futile and sad.......

I'm doing what I can to infuse fun into my life when I can. C. and I are working on our living room/entertainment center area - finishing baseboards and taking trips to Ikea. That's been fun. I'm also reading Travels with Charley, which is just a delight. I love Steinbeck's writing - I love that he is real and down-to-earth but retains an intellectual elegance, even as he's describing the banal and prosaic (how 'bout them big words?).

ends and beginnings

Today has been the official "turnover" day. With a cup of liquid ambition, I summoned up the strength to write my thank-you's, put the OSB stuff in the scrapbook, and officially close that chapter.

I am now, without a doubt, in the throes of Lucia. Okay, so I'm scared. Of failing - actually, of worse than failing - of just being okay. I sometimes wish I'd performed the role elsewhere. Because it's not only the role itself and all it means, it's also the high visibility of the company - made clear to me by the almost daily congratulations and mentions that come to me via Facebook, email, and people in the biz.

No matter, I just need to remember the following:

1. I have help. Lots of it.

2. I have sung longer (Susanna) and more difficult (Hoffmann) roles before.

3. A quarter note is still a quarter note, and I need to set aside all emotion when it comes time to just learn the damned notes.

This whole process will teach me to remain calm under pressure, and to pace myself.

May I just say: how GREAT is it to work for a professional company? Three weeks, from start to finish! And we've been given our entire schedule already. Also, TWO full orchestra dresses before the Final Dress.

I feel like Dorothy, when she first opens the door to find a world of color....

another one down...

The audition felt pretty solid... it helped to feel glamorous, in my new dress and stilettos (which, I have discovered, are GREAT for support). 'Caro nome' went like clockwork - there were some triumphs, thanks to the grounding reminders of D., and some "tricks of the trade" from S. During the following traditional "what should we hear next" mumbling, I heard them say something about Lucia, and they asked for the second (crazier) half of the Ophelia mad scene.

The auditions director) was really militant about not letting us bring water onstage, and it was unbelievably dry. I wish I'd just left the stage to get a drink, but didn't think to do that - DUMB. Felt really dried out halfway through, but I'm not sure how detectable it was - I spent a little more time on the middle-register notes when I could, to get my larynx back to balance, and I felt like I was back on solid ground for the end. I acted my tush off, of course... the staging is so built-in for me, now.

So, there we are...now I pretend to let it go, but in reality will be checking my phone for messages every 5 minutes. :)

I wish I could jump directly into Lucia, but it's my final Thursday at the church, and this particular year's end is marked with the poignancy of Th Boss' retirement. Trying to remember all the details that I should be taking care of, as choir director. Signing the big card. Rehearsing special music. Calling alumni and graduates. Cupcakes. It goes on and on.

I suppose it's a forced "transition" into the next singing project - a cleansing of the singing mind, in a way. Or maybe it's more like a "restart". Either way, I'll be glad to just move on to what's next.

raw

To wander through my daily life, and not be in touch with how I'm truly feeling, is very unlike me. Yet that is still the case, and it's making me impatient with myself.

I've been having some moments lately that give me clues, though;

1. My dear tall Friend is in the hospital recovering from cancer-related surgery. During my visit on Thursday, I observed the following:

- I suspect because he is Italian, we seem to have an unspoken understanding.... a way of communicating that is embedded in our DNA, I suppose: When I walked into his room, it seems we both fell into patterns that were at once foreign and familiar - the quick kiss and embrace, etc. It evoked memories of Nonno and the one we called 'Old Nonno'. When I thought about it later, I realized that in real life, we would never greet one another that way. But without all the trappings that establish stature and position, there was this beautiful moment of authenticity and unmasked love.

- It always amazes me how the wearing of a hospital gown and being poked with needles, reduces a person to a mere human body and its biological functions. Whenever I observe this, the child in me is shocked and afraid, while the adult is relieved (he's human! whew!).

2. During Friday's run, I hit a wall and had to walk for a while. That I got some friendly encouragement from one passing driver was already surprising and jolted me out of my reverie - and then a second car slowed down. A Dad-aged man in a Yankees sweatshirt shouted, "I'm not making fun of you, I see you all the time - I just want to ask you - why are you walking?" We laughed and he drove onward... a few seconds later he turned around and this time said, "I just want to say that I really admire your tenacity!"

As he disappeared, the dam broke and I shed tears I didn't know I had.

3. Yesterday I had a lesson with D., and DAMMIT if, in the process of my lesson, he doesn't always reveal what is truly on my heart. It stands to reason, since the voice and emotional life are one and the same... I suppose I just needed to sing in order to discover the state of things.

He was patient, as always, but observed a marked disconnect between my upper and lower bodies, and as my brain tried to clamor its way through the muck to settle on the right images for proper phonation, it was so very difficult to see my way through it clearly. We left with a promise that I'll come back on Monday and hope for a little more progress.

Moving on to the return to opera chorus last night, for the first time in 5 months: I was surprised at how many faces I was glad to see. These singer friends are gentle, they are kind. They touch, they kiss, they hug. They're transparent.

I had a tremendous cry on the way home, upon realizing that my experience in SB was largely UN-kind. I always make a deliberate effort to have no walls up when I sing, no defenses. I am me - vulnerable, genuine Angela. I believe this is what sets me apart. And I never, during those 6 weeks, put up my defenses. I don't even know how to sing with them up anymore.

The problem is, it opens me up for hurt beyond hurt when I am critiqued and picked apart and given suggestion after suggestion.

It is one thing to prepare oneself for - and to recover from - a short period of this, whether it's an hour's worth of coaching, a 5-minute audition, a voice lesson, or a typical rehearsal/performance period.

6 weeks' worth of that kind of nit-picking and hence paranoia and tension on my part, has left me feeling raw, naked and exposed to extreme weather, no armor against the wind.

Which makes me more terrified than I should be, of having to sing a big audition on Wednesday. I am just not ready.

The slightest kindness moves me to weep.

I'd say this is all a sign that I am still ME, and that this is a good thing. At this point, on Sunday morning, I think that the best thing to do is to embrace my need for love and kindness - immerse myself in it, relish it. Cry if I have to. And somehow, I will just need to sing from that place - and perhaps, that's the best place from which to sing.

disoriented

What a truly weird week. Seriously.

On the surface: I arrived home on Sunday evening, exhausted. Spent the next couple days unpacking, cleaning, doing laundry, going through the motions of "normal". Little by little, my body starts to feel back in balance again. I am still getting sleepy at the wrong times, and have a headache every morning (also subsiding, gradually). I only gained 5 lbs., which is pretty good, considering the crazy schedule and lack of a kitchen. I'm already losing it just by getting back into a routine.

Once in a while, a memory of SB comes back and I process it. I am trying not to force it, just letting it flow through me as it needs to.

There is a part of me that resents going back to piano and voice teaching, and church choirs today. But another part of me is grateful for these reminders of that which is real and tangible. Otherwise, what else would I be doing? Probably, feeling useless.

Thank God I have my West Coast audition in a week, and it is now time to focus on Lucia. Not quite today (after 6 weeks without a day off, I must have some vocal rest!), but within the week it will be time to crank up to high gear.

I'm not sure how to feel about OSB..... I suppose my deepest, darkest fear is that it meant nothing, will lead to nothing, was just a scenic route, a random exit off the freeway.

small/huge triumphs

I will say this: these programs give one a chance to get to know herself. I have discovered that I have a healthy competitive and resilient spirit in me;

The other night I suggested a 'cinco de mayo' margarita night, hoping it would reunite what has become a splintered group of young artists.

How wrong I was - if anything, that night further solidified the divisions. Perhaps due to A. the strain/stress, or because B. many people here are enjoying the escape of this experience and are sad about returning to reality, or C. many folks here are more in need of therapy than voice lessons and their comfort level is such that they are just being themselves by now - or a combination of the three: as alcohol was consumed and abused, I found myself amidst such negativity, such downright mean-spiritedness, such self-centeredness, as I had never experienced before.

I left incredibly depressed, and determined not to socialize with this group any more, for my own spirit's sake - which should be easy, given that it ends in two days. However, we still had a master class yesterday, and I was very proud of myself for my ability to put my best self forward, controlling what I could about the situation, keeping my focus, stepping up my game in the face of what are clearly resentful and jealous colleagues, and protecting myself from that which is not beautiful nor loving.

If I have learned nothing else here, this lesson is huge.

an experiment

Casting previous disappointments aside, I'm working on an experiment. It's an exercise in being lovingly manipulative when it comes to this career, setting my eye on a certain goal and seeing if I have control over the chess pieces that I think I have.

That's all for now, but I will definitely post back here when I have a sense of whether or not it worked......a

and.....scene.

Yesterday I sang what was called a "mock" audition for Mr. LA Opera. His feedback for me was this:

- attractive, steely voice with most interesting color in my middle range

- I come across as thorough, dependable, and likeable

- my choice of repertoire is well suited to my look, monochromatic in that it's very clear that I know which characters make sense for my voice

- my sound lends itself well to "desperation" and even "anger", so bring back Tytania and Pamina (!) to my audition rep (a bit confusing, since S. and I had decided Pamina is too big unless singing for a small house)

- "be careful" when offering 'Caro nome', because it implies a bigger sound and conductors/audition panelists are listening to it in terms of whether my Gilda could still be heard over the orchestra later in the opera - perhaps leave it on the list, but don't start with it.

I thought most of this made sense, and was really useful. In terms of LA Opera, I don't know what it means or how much weight yesterday's sing has for future consideration there....

Now I'm a little unsure of the right Game Plan for the WCA in a couple weeks, so the jury is still out - I've asked for several opinions, and we'll see what comes back.

Side note: apparently, this was what I must have been waiting for, deeply in my subconscious - as a signal that my body is starting to relax after yesterday's audition, I finally got my period - 2 weeks late.

the final lap

A week from today, I will be blissfully heading home.

Fresno behind us, we have a busy week: an audition, recital, masterclass, recording session, exit interview, brunch with the board, and - I'm sure - more surprises, in store.

It will be a full week, yet I am beginning to set my sights on what's ahead - the West Coast audition looms near, and listening to that will be several people I've encountered here. And it is becoming very clear that everyone is aware of Lucia, and aware of where I'm singing it.

So it's really time to step up my game, get rested and centered the best I can this week, even under these circumstances. I'm sure my young colleagues will give me a bad time for not staying up late with them, but that's the way it goes. Too much at stake for me here and now.

some relief

This week is strange....we are now once-removed from the already disconcerting OSB program, here in Fresno. The Young Artists were a bargaining chip in Fresno Grand Opera and OSB's collaborative production of Macbeth - we are here to supplement the chorus.

When we are not rehearsing, there is a lot of downtime. Our hotel is quite sketchy, but we are managing to make the best of things. I've been running with some other singers, various groups-within-the-group have lunch or see movies together, etc. There is drinking at night, necessitated by boredom and despair.... but it's been relatively drama-free, overall.

I am doing my best to nurture the connection I have forged with the Maestro, and am getting to know the other key players.

While some of the "auditions" set up for us have been little more than clinics on how to audition, I am still grateful for the chance to make these guys aware of me for future pursuits.

We are in Fresno for the remainder of this week, then head back to Santa Barbara - with no tangible goal, other than Monday's "audition" for a rep from LA Opera, and our final noontime recital for the blue-hairs and board members.

Thankfully, Fresno runs things more traditionally, and we have the day before the show off. 3 of us Bay Area residents are going home.

I'm looking forward to having one entire day to feel like myself again. Stopping by D's for a vocal tuneup and reminder of our goals for this year. Coffee with the Boss. Precious catch-up time with C. Yoga. Solitude. My own bed. My own schedule.

moving forward

Yesterday I was given a REAL day off, and I struck a blow for freedom. The previous evening, I finally went for that self-promised massage - it must have released a huge amount of toxins and stress; afterward I felt as if I'd been given a heavy drug. I slept well.

Then, for the first time in years, I had a day without a schedule, without people... without a house to clean or worry about or a "to do" list, I asked myself what I'd really like to do, and then did it. Ate at a place I've been wanting to try, and ordered what I wanted to, without having to explain my diet to anyone. Saw a movie - "Alice in Wonderland" - Tim Burton's movies are such a feast for visually-oriented people like me. The whole thing was so very beautiful, every single frame. It also evoked the original illustrated books that I read as a child - much more so than other movie renditions have. I'll have to go back to check, but I believe he took liberties with the plot, making Alice an adult who remembers Wonderland...similar to what the movie "Hook" did with Peter Pan.

My phone helped me find directions to all locations yesterday, as I thought of them on a whim. After the movie, I found a Borders, grabbed a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine. It was heaven.

I actually slept well. Can't believe it. I feel like a totally different person.

Just observing a recital today, but still have to be "on" again as I have lunch with the other Young Artists and administration at the offices.

I'm officially tired - no, SICK and tired - of being around immature young people who don't know how to carry on adult conversations, so the next few weeks will be an exercise in patience.

As a goal-oriented person, I am doing my best to put this weekend's performances behind me - the disappointment in not being able to sing my best due to exhaustion, which makes me honestly relieved that no visiting company administrator came to hear me when I wasn't at my best. I was very sad that I did so much work and put so much of myself out there, apparently for nothing. But today is a new day.

Next up: a house audition at Fresno Grand. The rest of our upcoming Fresno stay will entail long staging rehearsals as a chorister, living at the Days Inn, no solitude unless I take off in my car (which I probably will, of course)... but I am focused on that next audition. I have to be, otherwise I will go insane.

personal space

As we tumble into the big performance weekend for the Young Artists, I am still reeling from the events of the week: politics and general grumblings about them have left me depressed.

On the other hand, I have some wonderful singing and acting to sink my teeth into for this show, and I'm trying very hard to stay focused, avoid the parties, nurture my being as much as I can... I won't be as rested as I'd like to be for this performance, but I have to keep remembering that, in this context, I am not considered a professional principal. That comes later on, this summer.

The constants: morning oatmeal, my exercise routine, one episode of Arrested Development every night. The rest of this temporary lifestyle is chaos, being around people way too much, and an overall lack of control.

Another noontime recital yesterday.... it is hugely irritating to be backstage with all the younger singers whom, while I appreciate their energy in some situations, perpetually sabotage themselves with nervous chatter before their time to perform. I retreat to silent corners and make it quite clear that "no, I am not talking to you right now." Even now, during tech week, when every note we sing is being observed by the company manager and board members - these kids are going out drinking every night after rehearsal.

Of course, there is a nagging worry that no one of note will attend this performance, in which case I can only hope there might be a video made that I can use later. Rumor has it that, after our dreaded lengthy stint in Fresno, "someone from LA Opera is coming".... whether that's an actual audition, who knows.... too many rumors going around for me to actually count on.

Never have I had to fight so hard to find "me" time....

survival mode

Wow. I'm just really tired. It could be a combination of the following:

- living according to someone else's schedule, with no way to sufficiently prepare for each day, since the following day's schedule gets emailed very late the night before;

- the constant socializing and obligation to be "on" all the time;

- the stressful situation at home (soon to be rectifed - we move to a smoke-free home in two days);

- the unspoken layer of expectation hanging over this whole thing - on my part, on the part of those who seem to be observing me - it all feels like a test of some sort

- hoping against hope that this advances my career in some way

It's a lot. Today a fellow "young artist" and I were wined and dined by our sponsors - it was lovely and surreal to spend some time in the crazy-rich-gorgeous-perfect land that is commonplace to about 2% of the population for a while, but tonight, alone at last, with my laptop and a magazine, I am totally out of words and energy.

We carpool to Fresno, of all places, tomorrow, to spend the night in a hotel and rehearse for 2 days straight. As we prepare our Scenes program and basically seem to be "on call" for random other performances at events/luncheons/restaurants/functions about town - we are also part of a very elaborate and strangely conceived travelling Macbeth production. It was originally to start in Fresno, pass through Santa Barbara, and end in LA. There are rumors of budget and casting issues, so it looks like we're now going through all the trouble and expense of rehearsing and staging the whole thing only to be performed ONCE in Fresno, and then only in concert version in SB. It seems rather wasteful to me - especially since those paying for it (e.g. the people I was with today) think Macbeth was a poor choice, given the economy and the fact that they already did a weird/modern opera last year. Those blue-hairs want their standards (Carmen, La boheme, Madama Butterfly, La Traviata, etc).

Much like the envelope full of receipts I'm collecting, there are piles of thoughts that will just have to wait until I land safely at home to sort out. I'm totally in survival mode right now....

different shades of drama

There are these parallel aspects of this program running alongside each other.... one aspect, the actual working, has taken an upturn; I finally had my first session with our prominent stage director. I spent four sweaty, ecstatic hours working through Ophelie, with a smidge of Juliette at the end - now I need to let it cook, go through my process, work it through mentally. Because it's a scenes program (As opposed to an entire role), the characters can weave in and out of each other and become a story in and of themselves. Juliette will have parallels to Ophelie, as demonstrated in gestures that begin joyful, feminine and graceful - and as they appear in Ophelie, the same gestures become dark, disjointed, ugly - she is a cutter, a suicidal basket case. I've never played with knives before - good fun. Also a nice segue into Lucia....

and then there's the other aspect: our housing situation. Kristin and I were placed with a smoker. Our host is this frenetic, workaholic trial lawyer who appears to never be home - and after the initial awkward mention of the smoke being a problem, she's tried to smoke outside when she thinks we won't be there, etc.... but it's in the walls, carpets, furniture - it hangs in the air when she's been in a room, it's HORRIBLE. I think I'm also very sensitive to nicotine as a stimulant - I have yet to sleep well here. The whole place has a bad energy. She also has no internet access! I've been able to get around it with my Blackberry, but Kristin has been SOL. The list goes on.... she's an incessant talker, so we've taken to hiding in our rooms with the door closed so that she leaves us alone. The kitchen isn't very clean, either. It's just not a good homestay.

We decided tonight, that we can't - and shouldn't have to - take this for 5 more weeks. OSB is contractually required to provide us with a smoke-free house with our own room/bathroom/kitchen, and internet access.

They've said they will work on moving us ASAP, but I'm not looking forward to the drama of having to tell her we're leaving, and then packing up and doing this all over again.

It sucks that it's happening now that we're in the thick of things....for instance, after a grueling session like today, I just want a clean and quiet place to come back to and rest.

Tomorrow morning I'll meet a couple of other singers at the Mission for mass, and then breakfast. We have a very difficult 4 hour rehearsal in the afternoon. And who knows when "the move" will take place....

The next few days should be interesting.....

a better day

Because of the way the rehearsal schedule has been laid out, Kristin (roommate) and I had been feeling really isolated from the rest of the group, not having had much interaction with everyone else.

Especially myself - I have been assigned two big scenes that don't involve anyone else onstage - so I suppose it makes sense that they will stage them later.

So, when someone suggested a beer after rehearsal last night, we jumped at the chance. It did us all good, broke the ice, and dispelled some tension. I can't say I got much more sleep last night, but woke up feeling much sunnier about this whole thing. It comes as no surprise that everyone has been feeling the same way about things.... I think we are all wondering what it all means, but are determined to make a good impression.

The competitive vibe is still very much present amongst the women, but as one of the oldest of them, I am relieved not to feel compelled to get sucked into it. I wish the 25-year-olds would just relax and concentrate on doing their jobs well.

All I can be is kind.

the first day

Well, although this was my "first day", this is really the "catch up and get oriented" day I should have had yesterday.
SB is gorgeous, the weather is perfect, I have a nice roommate (mezzo) who not only shares my diet, but seems to have the same needs for solitude and personal space. She and I both find our host well-meaning, but a little instrusive and is, unfortunately, an incessant talker. She also stands WAY too close to talk to me, especially, which is weird. What is it about me that draws in the psychos? Anyway, I have my own room and bathroom, so there is a place to retreat. I was able to go running and do some yoga today, and my host is gone at work, so this is good. Time tonight to study my music for tomorrow's day of rehearsals.

There was a "no internet" scare, but with the help of my tech-savvy husband and brother, I have figured out a solution, and the world is as it should be.

There are some nice singers, and some super-obnoxious/competitive ones. Those of us who are older nod and smile, and seem to share a secret understanding that we're here to work, and could care less about comparing ourselves to the 24-year-olds who seem to be in constant audition-and-impress mode.

Case-in-point: there were a few minutes of AWKWARD where all the 12 singers were gathered into a tiny conference room, and those presenting were late. So, there was some really uncomfortable staring and small talk - and then, this tarty little soprano pipes up and goes, "well, I assume we all have our masters?" It got quiet, while some nodded and some shook their heads, myself included. Then she goes, "well, maybe we can go around the room! I'm Becca, I'm 26, and I just got my master's at IU." Various awkwardnesses led that whole thread to just kind of die down as she embarrassed herself.

I can't believe there are people who behave that way. It's incredible. Still, there are some truly nice singers here whom I'm looking forwarded to getting to know.

I always have to remember that, no matter where these gigs lead me, whether it's Berkeley or Denmark or Santa Barbara - a quarter note is a quarter note. When we get into rehearsals, that's the common ground that has drawn us all here. And that's when it gets a lot easier - and also, more fun.

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..."

The lists are made, the bags are packed, and I'm at a standstill until tomorrow morning's frantic last sweep-through and cram.

It is a daunting thing to get in the car with nothing but a map, and no clue as to what to expect.

I have probably packed too much, but it's hard to know how to do these things.

I will miss the comforts of home, I will miss a routine.

And how I hate being away from Chad.... that goes without saying. We will see each other when he visits for the few days after Easter, and then the possible second trip is quite tentative.

One thing I am looking forward to: the melting away of church and teaching stress, and as I get (geographically) further away from it all, I will begin to get into the midset of being a Singer. Opening myself, fully, to the expression of what I have within me - with no inhibitions whatsoever, there just isn't time for them - and to what I will be given to learn.

Overall, I hope to make contacts, secure some better future work, to grow as an artist. To continue my struggle to be completely open and vulnerable onstage, while maintaining healthy boundaries offstage. I am not my colleagues' mom, counselor, or manager. I am a colleague, and will remember where that line is - if I have learned anything from previous away-from-home singing engagements, it is that setting those boundaries is the #1 ensurer of sanity and peace.

piles

So many things to organize, take care of, micro-manage, and worry about (this latter helps nothing, but goes with the territory) - before I get in the car and head down to Santa Barbara on Sunday.

I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm going to have to remember that life for my choirs and congregation at St. Stephen, as well as for my piano students, will go on just fine without me. Nothing is all that dire.

Still.... the list is overwhelming. One hour at a time....

self-Googling

I occasionally Google myself - not that I'm that narcissistic, but because I occasionally find myself listed on some weird sites, or random YouTube uploads, etc. and I like to stay on top of what's being put out there.

The other day I found photos of myself on the blog written by the guy who wrote our Tales of Hoffmann adaptation. I don't mind so much, because he was just talking about our costumes.

I was struck by how thin I was, which was validating, and a motivation to stick with my workout routine. But I was also struck by how miserable I looked. I think the one with the other leads captures my whole experience of that show: a kind of detached shoddiness to the whole thing.

Another reminder of what I've, thankfully, left behind.

the countdown

Oddly enough, I've reached an impasse here at the CPA firm, with nothing to do but answer phones and look mildly interested in my surroundings.

After tomorrow, one final week here and then I can turn 100% of my attention to getting ready to go. I hope to get in a lot of practice time, rest, and to start feeling centered and enthusiastic once again.

In the meantime, this is definitely Mile 18....

Fight or Flight

I haven't been this scattered in a long time. I think I've officially reached my maximum capacity for stress and tedium.... I'm finding it really hard to keep my mind from drifting to places I'd rather be: on a raft in Lake Tahoe, jogging along the water in Portsmouth RI, riding my bike around Yountville, Carmel, even our old childhood swingset.

It's the combination of the schedule crammed with nothing I enjoy, plus worries about how to arrange my life around Santa Barbara - and being prepared enough that it's a good experience when I get there. There's nothing I can do but work and wait.

Now that the floors are 90% done and I can start to see the end of the household "to do" list drawing near - while I thought I'd be just enjoying having a beautiful living space by now, I'm just too tired to care.

I have a feeling my whole perspective is about to change for the better, in a few weeks. In the meantime, if only they wouldn't drag by!!!!

gaaaaaaaaah

Even after 3-5 hours in an office environment, it's amazing how my whole being seems to "dumb down".

Once I leave, it seems to take a tremendous amount of effort to wake up and become a person again.

I had to really fight to keep my irritation hidden today. The tasks I'm given are menial, stupid, and boring enough - but the HR/office manager is a micro-manager with very awkward interpersonal skills... every time she stops at my desk, she starts with "so..." - and inevitably, this means a criticism is coming. Today, I apparently stacked boxes incorrectly, used the wrong printer, and used the wrong tray to display the morning danishes.

She is the "Hey, Peter, what's happenin'" of this office. It's insane that people accept that this is life.

In the meantime, I did some more singing yesterday, and continue to fight fear when it comes to cadenzas that involve E and above. I discovered, though, that when I go to the "Elixir" place (meaning, there was this moment in a particular scene when, encouraged by Bobby and Andy, I dropped to my knees and discovered a wildly easy and huge E-flat) - I was able to sustain my F# both in that position, and while jogging in place.

As I told D. today, since the F# occurs at the end of the aria, before her suicide: perhaps I can just ask the stage director if Ophelie can take a running leap into the river?

inches

It's amazing, how slowly each day passes, yet each week seems to fly by. That may not make sense, but that's the feeling right now.

I just realized that I hadn't blogged in nearly a week.

I suppose it's just that life is so uneventful right now - I am just inching my way to the finish line - well, the first one, anyway (SB). Negotiated yet another adjustment in my hours at the CPA firm, so that I will now have a week off before I leave. I feel less panicked about being physically ready (packed, etc).

I don't feel quite up to practicing today, but I did get through all the piles on my desk, and made a practice CD. So that's something.

My manager continues to ask for a Lucia contract - it's verging on ridiculous.

And, my West Coast audition was confirmed. Yea.

I sure hope I develop some enthusiasm for it by the time it rolls around in May...a line from As Good As It Gets comes to mind: "Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here."

prison

Today: unmistakably and unapologetically, the Artist in me awoke - she looked around in disbelief and frustration, realizing that she is behind a desk, answering phones and checking in packages as a receptionist, labeling and boxing files, with very little meaningful human interaction. The voice stays off the breath, asleep.

I am ready to go and sing. So ready. Over the next 5 weeks, I know that it's going to be difficult to stick to this incredibly boring grind - so I will have to keep reminding myself that this is what will enable me to have freedom from financial worry while I'm there. Also, my daily hour of singing time does help to ensure some sense of progress and accomplishment.

But to feel fully alive, to be a singer - I recall the one thing I did enjoy about local productions - the daily interaction with other artists (My People). Talking about characters, about what the composer wants, about the process. The Doing.

The rest of it was never worth it, of course, but that is something I do miss right now.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I head to SB, it will have been 1 year since I last performed on stage. It's an odd realization.

Still, at this, the 5-month mark of this Tunnel Year - I must remember that these were my choices; to take some time away from spinning my wheels to regroup, and to raise my standards. And I have succeeded, but can't feel it yet - I can only confirm this on paper, on my resume. The Artist is like any other beast - it only knows the present. While it will revel and rejoice when it's time to shine again, at the moment there is only rain and piano lessons and laundry.

Today, on this gray and dismal day, I am struggling to see the light. Though it's the last thing I feel like doing, some silent practice and a good workout will probably help.

"East Bound Down...."

Progress..... thank God I know how to lose weight. The thing is, even within one day of eating well, I feel so much better - calmer, and happier.

www.my-calorie-counter.com The webs free Exercise Journal

Last night, we ended the long, stressful week at Chevy's. I was even good there - I think I improved their fajita salad by omitting the meat and cheese, adding black beans, and using salsa as dressing.

I decided to make my Friday night "reward" a hot shower and home spa stuff. Much healthier than red wine and Sees' candy. Ugh.... just thinking about that makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Also, having an hour a day to practice makes a huge difference in my overall outlook. I am way less resentful of my other obligations - I even enjoyed my choirs on Thursday, and that's saying something.

The floors are coming along - a few more weekends, and they'll be totally done. Woo hoo!