some relief

This week is strange....we are now once-removed from the already disconcerting OSB program, here in Fresno. The Young Artists were a bargaining chip in Fresno Grand Opera and OSB's collaborative production of Macbeth - we are here to supplement the chorus.

When we are not rehearsing, there is a lot of downtime. Our hotel is quite sketchy, but we are managing to make the best of things. I've been running with some other singers, various groups-within-the-group have lunch or see movies together, etc. There is drinking at night, necessitated by boredom and despair.... but it's been relatively drama-free, overall.

I am doing my best to nurture the connection I have forged with the Maestro, and am getting to know the other key players.

While some of the "auditions" set up for us have been little more than clinics on how to audition, I am still grateful for the chance to make these guys aware of me for future pursuits.

We are in Fresno for the remainder of this week, then head back to Santa Barbara - with no tangible goal, other than Monday's "audition" for a rep from LA Opera, and our final noontime recital for the blue-hairs and board members.

Thankfully, Fresno runs things more traditionally, and we have the day before the show off. 3 of us Bay Area residents are going home.

I'm looking forward to having one entire day to feel like myself again. Stopping by D's for a vocal tuneup and reminder of our goals for this year. Coffee with the Boss. Precious catch-up time with C. Yoga. Solitude. My own bed. My own schedule.

moving forward

Yesterday I was given a REAL day off, and I struck a blow for freedom. The previous evening, I finally went for that self-promised massage - it must have released a huge amount of toxins and stress; afterward I felt as if I'd been given a heavy drug. I slept well.

Then, for the first time in years, I had a day without a schedule, without people... without a house to clean or worry about or a "to do" list, I asked myself what I'd really like to do, and then did it. Ate at a place I've been wanting to try, and ordered what I wanted to, without having to explain my diet to anyone. Saw a movie - "Alice in Wonderland" - Tim Burton's movies are such a feast for visually-oriented people like me. The whole thing was so very beautiful, every single frame. It also evoked the original illustrated books that I read as a child - much more so than other movie renditions have. I'll have to go back to check, but I believe he took liberties with the plot, making Alice an adult who remembers Wonderland...similar to what the movie "Hook" did with Peter Pan.

My phone helped me find directions to all locations yesterday, as I thought of them on a whim. After the movie, I found a Borders, grabbed a cup of tea and read a trashy magazine. It was heaven.

I actually slept well. Can't believe it. I feel like a totally different person.

Just observing a recital today, but still have to be "on" again as I have lunch with the other Young Artists and administration at the offices.

I'm officially tired - no, SICK and tired - of being around immature young people who don't know how to carry on adult conversations, so the next few weeks will be an exercise in patience.

As a goal-oriented person, I am doing my best to put this weekend's performances behind me - the disappointment in not being able to sing my best due to exhaustion, which makes me honestly relieved that no visiting company administrator came to hear me when I wasn't at my best. I was very sad that I did so much work and put so much of myself out there, apparently for nothing. But today is a new day.

Next up: a house audition at Fresno Grand. The rest of our upcoming Fresno stay will entail long staging rehearsals as a chorister, living at the Days Inn, no solitude unless I take off in my car (which I probably will, of course)... but I am focused on that next audition. I have to be, otherwise I will go insane.

personal space

As we tumble into the big performance weekend for the Young Artists, I am still reeling from the events of the week: politics and general grumblings about them have left me depressed.

On the other hand, I have some wonderful singing and acting to sink my teeth into for this show, and I'm trying very hard to stay focused, avoid the parties, nurture my being as much as I can... I won't be as rested as I'd like to be for this performance, but I have to keep remembering that, in this context, I am not considered a professional principal. That comes later on, this summer.

The constants: morning oatmeal, my exercise routine, one episode of Arrested Development every night. The rest of this temporary lifestyle is chaos, being around people way too much, and an overall lack of control.

Another noontime recital yesterday.... it is hugely irritating to be backstage with all the younger singers whom, while I appreciate their energy in some situations, perpetually sabotage themselves with nervous chatter before their time to perform. I retreat to silent corners and make it quite clear that "no, I am not talking to you right now." Even now, during tech week, when every note we sing is being observed by the company manager and board members - these kids are going out drinking every night after rehearsal.

Of course, there is a nagging worry that no one of note will attend this performance, in which case I can only hope there might be a video made that I can use later. Rumor has it that, after our dreaded lengthy stint in Fresno, "someone from LA Opera is coming".... whether that's an actual audition, who knows.... too many rumors going around for me to actually count on.

Never have I had to fight so hard to find "me" time....

survival mode

Wow. I'm just really tired. It could be a combination of the following:

- living according to someone else's schedule, with no way to sufficiently prepare for each day, since the following day's schedule gets emailed very late the night before;

- the constant socializing and obligation to be "on" all the time;

- the stressful situation at home (soon to be rectifed - we move to a smoke-free home in two days);

- the unspoken layer of expectation hanging over this whole thing - on my part, on the part of those who seem to be observing me - it all feels like a test of some sort

- hoping against hope that this advances my career in some way

It's a lot. Today a fellow "young artist" and I were wined and dined by our sponsors - it was lovely and surreal to spend some time in the crazy-rich-gorgeous-perfect land that is commonplace to about 2% of the population for a while, but tonight, alone at last, with my laptop and a magazine, I am totally out of words and energy.

We carpool to Fresno, of all places, tomorrow, to spend the night in a hotel and rehearse for 2 days straight. As we prepare our Scenes program and basically seem to be "on call" for random other performances at events/luncheons/restaurants/functions about town - we are also part of a very elaborate and strangely conceived travelling Macbeth production. It was originally to start in Fresno, pass through Santa Barbara, and end in LA. There are rumors of budget and casting issues, so it looks like we're now going through all the trouble and expense of rehearsing and staging the whole thing only to be performed ONCE in Fresno, and then only in concert version in SB. It seems rather wasteful to me - especially since those paying for it (e.g. the people I was with today) think Macbeth was a poor choice, given the economy and the fact that they already did a weird/modern opera last year. Those blue-hairs want their standards (Carmen, La boheme, Madama Butterfly, La Traviata, etc).

Much like the envelope full of receipts I'm collecting, there are piles of thoughts that will just have to wait until I land safely at home to sort out. I'm totally in survival mode right now....

different shades of drama

There are these parallel aspects of this program running alongside each other.... one aspect, the actual working, has taken an upturn; I finally had my first session with our prominent stage director. I spent four sweaty, ecstatic hours working through Ophelie, with a smidge of Juliette at the end - now I need to let it cook, go through my process, work it through mentally. Because it's a scenes program (As opposed to an entire role), the characters can weave in and out of each other and become a story in and of themselves. Juliette will have parallels to Ophelie, as demonstrated in gestures that begin joyful, feminine and graceful - and as they appear in Ophelie, the same gestures become dark, disjointed, ugly - she is a cutter, a suicidal basket case. I've never played with knives before - good fun. Also a nice segue into Lucia....

and then there's the other aspect: our housing situation. Kristin and I were placed with a smoker. Our host is this frenetic, workaholic trial lawyer who appears to never be home - and after the initial awkward mention of the smoke being a problem, she's tried to smoke outside when she thinks we won't be there, etc.... but it's in the walls, carpets, furniture - it hangs in the air when she's been in a room, it's HORRIBLE. I think I'm also very sensitive to nicotine as a stimulant - I have yet to sleep well here. The whole place has a bad energy. She also has no internet access! I've been able to get around it with my Blackberry, but Kristin has been SOL. The list goes on.... she's an incessant talker, so we've taken to hiding in our rooms with the door closed so that she leaves us alone. The kitchen isn't very clean, either. It's just not a good homestay.

We decided tonight, that we can't - and shouldn't have to - take this for 5 more weeks. OSB is contractually required to provide us with a smoke-free house with our own room/bathroom/kitchen, and internet access.

They've said they will work on moving us ASAP, but I'm not looking forward to the drama of having to tell her we're leaving, and then packing up and doing this all over again.

It sucks that it's happening now that we're in the thick of things....for instance, after a grueling session like today, I just want a clean and quiet place to come back to and rest.

Tomorrow morning I'll meet a couple of other singers at the Mission for mass, and then breakfast. We have a very difficult 4 hour rehearsal in the afternoon. And who knows when "the move" will take place....

The next few days should be interesting.....

a better day

Because of the way the rehearsal schedule has been laid out, Kristin (roommate) and I had been feeling really isolated from the rest of the group, not having had much interaction with everyone else.

Especially myself - I have been assigned two big scenes that don't involve anyone else onstage - so I suppose it makes sense that they will stage them later.

So, when someone suggested a beer after rehearsal last night, we jumped at the chance. It did us all good, broke the ice, and dispelled some tension. I can't say I got much more sleep last night, but woke up feeling much sunnier about this whole thing. It comes as no surprise that everyone has been feeling the same way about things.... I think we are all wondering what it all means, but are determined to make a good impression.

The competitive vibe is still very much present amongst the women, but as one of the oldest of them, I am relieved not to feel compelled to get sucked into it. I wish the 25-year-olds would just relax and concentrate on doing their jobs well.

All I can be is kind.