the first day

Well, although this was my "first day", this is really the "catch up and get oriented" day I should have had yesterday.
SB is gorgeous, the weather is perfect, I have a nice roommate (mezzo) who not only shares my diet, but seems to have the same needs for solitude and personal space. She and I both find our host well-meaning, but a little instrusive and is, unfortunately, an incessant talker. She also stands WAY too close to talk to me, especially, which is weird. What is it about me that draws in the psychos? Anyway, I have my own room and bathroom, so there is a place to retreat. I was able to go running and do some yoga today, and my host is gone at work, so this is good. Time tonight to study my music for tomorrow's day of rehearsals.

There was a "no internet" scare, but with the help of my tech-savvy husband and brother, I have figured out a solution, and the world is as it should be.

There are some nice singers, and some super-obnoxious/competitive ones. Those of us who are older nod and smile, and seem to share a secret understanding that we're here to work, and could care less about comparing ourselves to the 24-year-olds who seem to be in constant audition-and-impress mode.

Case-in-point: there were a few minutes of AWKWARD where all the 12 singers were gathered into a tiny conference room, and those presenting were late. So, there was some really uncomfortable staring and small talk - and then, this tarty little soprano pipes up and goes, "well, I assume we all have our masters?" It got quiet, while some nodded and some shook their heads, myself included. Then she goes, "well, maybe we can go around the room! I'm Becca, I'm 26, and I just got my master's at IU." Various awkwardnesses led that whole thread to just kind of die down as she embarrassed herself.

I can't believe there are people who behave that way. It's incredible. Still, there are some truly nice singers here whom I'm looking forwarded to getting to know.

I always have to remember that, no matter where these gigs lead me, whether it's Berkeley or Denmark or Santa Barbara - a quarter note is a quarter note. When we get into rehearsals, that's the common ground that has drawn us all here. And that's when it gets a lot easier - and also, more fun.

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..."

The lists are made, the bags are packed, and I'm at a standstill until tomorrow morning's frantic last sweep-through and cram.

It is a daunting thing to get in the car with nothing but a map, and no clue as to what to expect.

I have probably packed too much, but it's hard to know how to do these things.

I will miss the comforts of home, I will miss a routine.

And how I hate being away from Chad.... that goes without saying. We will see each other when he visits for the few days after Easter, and then the possible second trip is quite tentative.

One thing I am looking forward to: the melting away of church and teaching stress, and as I get (geographically) further away from it all, I will begin to get into the midset of being a Singer. Opening myself, fully, to the expression of what I have within me - with no inhibitions whatsoever, there just isn't time for them - and to what I will be given to learn.

Overall, I hope to make contacts, secure some better future work, to grow as an artist. To continue my struggle to be completely open and vulnerable onstage, while maintaining healthy boundaries offstage. I am not my colleagues' mom, counselor, or manager. I am a colleague, and will remember where that line is - if I have learned anything from previous away-from-home singing engagements, it is that setting those boundaries is the #1 ensurer of sanity and peace.

piles

So many things to organize, take care of, micro-manage, and worry about (this latter helps nothing, but goes with the territory) - before I get in the car and head down to Santa Barbara on Sunday.

I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm going to have to remember that life for my choirs and congregation at St. Stephen, as well as for my piano students, will go on just fine without me. Nothing is all that dire.

Still.... the list is overwhelming. One hour at a time....

self-Googling

I occasionally Google myself - not that I'm that narcissistic, but because I occasionally find myself listed on some weird sites, or random YouTube uploads, etc. and I like to stay on top of what's being put out there.

The other day I found photos of myself on the blog written by the guy who wrote our Tales of Hoffmann adaptation. I don't mind so much, because he was just talking about our costumes.

I was struck by how thin I was, which was validating, and a motivation to stick with my workout routine. But I was also struck by how miserable I looked. I think the one with the other leads captures my whole experience of that show: a kind of detached shoddiness to the whole thing.

Another reminder of what I've, thankfully, left behind.

the countdown

Oddly enough, I've reached an impasse here at the CPA firm, with nothing to do but answer phones and look mildly interested in my surroundings.

After tomorrow, one final week here and then I can turn 100% of my attention to getting ready to go. I hope to get in a lot of practice time, rest, and to start feeling centered and enthusiastic once again.

In the meantime, this is definitely Mile 18....

Fight or Flight

I haven't been this scattered in a long time. I think I've officially reached my maximum capacity for stress and tedium.... I'm finding it really hard to keep my mind from drifting to places I'd rather be: on a raft in Lake Tahoe, jogging along the water in Portsmouth RI, riding my bike around Yountville, Carmel, even our old childhood swingset.

It's the combination of the schedule crammed with nothing I enjoy, plus worries about how to arrange my life around Santa Barbara - and being prepared enough that it's a good experience when I get there. There's nothing I can do but work and wait.

Now that the floors are 90% done and I can start to see the end of the household "to do" list drawing near - while I thought I'd be just enjoying having a beautiful living space by now, I'm just too tired to care.

I have a feeling my whole perspective is about to change for the better, in a few weeks. In the meantime, if only they wouldn't drag by!!!!

gaaaaaaaaah

Even after 3-5 hours in an office environment, it's amazing how my whole being seems to "dumb down".

Once I leave, it seems to take a tremendous amount of effort to wake up and become a person again.

I had to really fight to keep my irritation hidden today. The tasks I'm given are menial, stupid, and boring enough - but the HR/office manager is a micro-manager with very awkward interpersonal skills... every time she stops at my desk, she starts with "so..." - and inevitably, this means a criticism is coming. Today, I apparently stacked boxes incorrectly, used the wrong printer, and used the wrong tray to display the morning danishes.

She is the "Hey, Peter, what's happenin'" of this office. It's insane that people accept that this is life.

In the meantime, I did some more singing yesterday, and continue to fight fear when it comes to cadenzas that involve E and above. I discovered, though, that when I go to the "Elixir" place (meaning, there was this moment in a particular scene when, encouraged by Bobby and Andy, I dropped to my knees and discovered a wildly easy and huge E-flat) - I was able to sustain my F# both in that position, and while jogging in place.

As I told D. today, since the F# occurs at the end of the aria, before her suicide: perhaps I can just ask the stage director if Ophelie can take a running leap into the river?

inches

It's amazing, how slowly each day passes, yet each week seems to fly by. That may not make sense, but that's the feeling right now.

I just realized that I hadn't blogged in nearly a week.

I suppose it's just that life is so uneventful right now - I am just inching my way to the finish line - well, the first one, anyway (SB). Negotiated yet another adjustment in my hours at the CPA firm, so that I will now have a week off before I leave. I feel less panicked about being physically ready (packed, etc).

I don't feel quite up to practicing today, but I did get through all the piles on my desk, and made a practice CD. So that's something.

My manager continues to ask for a Lucia contract - it's verging on ridiculous.

And, my West Coast audition was confirmed. Yea.

I sure hope I develop some enthusiasm for it by the time it rolls around in May...a line from As Good As It Gets comes to mind: "Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here."