prison

Today: unmistakably and unapologetically, the Artist in me awoke - she looked around in disbelief and frustration, realizing that she is behind a desk, answering phones and checking in packages as a receptionist, labeling and boxing files, with very little meaningful human interaction. The voice stays off the breath, asleep.

I am ready to go and sing. So ready. Over the next 5 weeks, I know that it's going to be difficult to stick to this incredibly boring grind - so I will have to keep reminding myself that this is what will enable me to have freedom from financial worry while I'm there. Also, my daily hour of singing time does help to ensure some sense of progress and accomplishment.

But to feel fully alive, to be a singer - I recall the one thing I did enjoy about local productions - the daily interaction with other artists (My People). Talking about characters, about what the composer wants, about the process. The Doing.

The rest of it was never worth it, of course, but that is something I do miss right now.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I head to SB, it will have been 1 year since I last performed on stage. It's an odd realization.

Still, at this, the 5-month mark of this Tunnel Year - I must remember that these were my choices; to take some time away from spinning my wheels to regroup, and to raise my standards. And I have succeeded, but can't feel it yet - I can only confirm this on paper, on my resume. The Artist is like any other beast - it only knows the present. While it will revel and rejoice when it's time to shine again, at the moment there is only rain and piano lessons and laundry.

Today, on this gray and dismal day, I am struggling to see the light. Though it's the last thing I feel like doing, some silent practice and a good workout will probably help.

"East Bound Down...."

Progress..... thank God I know how to lose weight. The thing is, even within one day of eating well, I feel so much better - calmer, and happier.

www.my-calorie-counter.com The webs free Exercise Journal

Last night, we ended the long, stressful week at Chevy's. I was even good there - I think I improved their fajita salad by omitting the meat and cheese, adding black beans, and using salsa as dressing.

I decided to make my Friday night "reward" a hot shower and home spa stuff. Much healthier than red wine and Sees' candy. Ugh.... just thinking about that makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Also, having an hour a day to practice makes a huge difference in my overall outlook. I am way less resentful of my other obligations - I even enjoyed my choirs on Thursday, and that's saying something.

The floors are coming along - a few more weekends, and they'll be totally done. Woo hoo!

back in control

As I suspected it would be, today was a much better day. After eating and exercising the way I know I should yesterday, I slept better and woke up in a better state of mind.

I'm starting to think this is not a cold. I've been reading about the common symptoms folks experience a couple weeks into a vegan diet, and it's all sounding very familiar. But I think I can relax as my body adjusts - besides, the peacefulness I feel, not to mention clearer skin and better sleep, are worth the other temporary oddities (like, this cold that isn't really a cold).

I am starting to feel a slight tension, similar to waiting for Christmas as a child, or counting down the days left in a college semester;

After this week,

A. I have 5 weeks to go until I leave for Santa Barbara and that unknown adventure.

B. 19 weeks until The Boss retires. Hence, I can't really make any changes to my hours/ responsibilities until after that point, when I meet the new guy and G then tells me her next move. But that's not what worries me - I wonder how/if his relationship with us will change. I hope, for the better. It was better before I worked for him - which should be no surprise.

This week, I struck a blow for freedom, and negotiated 1 less hour at the CPA firm, so that I can practice every day.

I sang for a whole hour today, and it feels like such a luxury....until I remember that I have very real deadlines, and that I have to do it.

It is, unfortunately, Thursday...... St. Stephen continues to take me on an emotional roller coaster - its highs and lows depend on how much I care about a given situation or person.... from a bird's eye view, the choral program has never been this strong - and yet, there's no denying it: people are a lot of work.

10 lbs

Well, it looks like I've finally hit a wall. I discovered this morning that I've gained 10 lbs. since Christmas.

I know exactly why - whereas I used to only take Sundays "off" from dieting and exercise, I am now so exhausted by Friday night that I'm looking for a reward. My "Sunday" has turned into a weekend-long binge. While the benefits of going veggie/vegan have been substantial and noticeable, I have not been helping myself by staying on track with exercise and portion sizes, in the way I know I should.

Without getting hysterical, I will simply lose the weight. I leave for Santa Barbara in 7 weeks, and that should be plenty of time to lose 10-15 lbs. at a healthy rate.

www.my-calorie-counter.com The webs free Calorie Counter

I still have a voice - yea!

My thrilling session with BV was followed by an equally thrilling lesson with D. on Saturday, during which we discovered my G above high C.

I suppose there is something to be said for not having time to do much in the way of actual singing - the voice is plenty rested.

Had a fun and somewhat relaxing weekend, but woke up with a cold. Staying low-key, but taking advantage of a suddenly free morning to get some more work done in preparation. If I can't sing today, I can translate, order/organize music, etc.

Still no contract for Lucia - a thought that nags me periodically. Waiting for both companies' official season announcement/press releases. Then I can send it to my people - especially, SFO. I wonder if I ever cross their minds....

light

I just had the most thrilling coaching hour with BV. He added some wonderfully fun - and unique to my strengths (4 octaves!) - cadenzas to Ophelie, and showed me the game plan for Lucia's mad scene. I left the city feeling absolutely high. It was great to remember the joy that's surely coming at the end of this drudgery.

I'm skipping my run today and giving myself permission to have a bit 'o chocolate, and just relax a bit before teaching. I made the mistake of looking at some other singers' bios, but quickly turned away from that instinct, as I would rather remember how good it feels to discover that I have a high F# - and how good it feels to anticipate a "mountain top" experience.

breathing room

I've removed one obligation from my schedule, so I will now have one or two days a week to catch up and do some singing.

This afternoon was the first of them, in a long time....therefore, while I did not have time to actually sing, I am feeling more on top of things. I have a practicing checklist, and have done all I could do so far, in order to procure whatever music is missing.

Even time spent organizing what needs to be done, is progress made. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

$%^$%

Sigh.... trying to stay positive, but DAMN, is it frustrating when a whole week goes by without any time to practice. I see D. for a lesson on Saturday morning, so at least there's that.

Perhaps next week will be better, in terms of progress. OSB keeps adding to my list of music - which is great, but I'm starting to panic, because I don't know whether we're expected to know all our music (off-book) before we get there. I've never done a real YAP before....

rolling along

I had a lesson with S. last night - the kind of lesson where I'm just too tired to really feel great at the time about it, but will be glad later that I recorded it. She's fluent in French, so I can move ahead with Ophelie with confidence in the committed pronunciation in my score.

I have yet to get all my OSB music in one place, but that will happen soon. In the meantime, I've now sung through Act I of Lucia and understand what I'm hearing on my recording, while I drive to each lesson, etc.

Act II is next - perhaps I will have the energy to start translating it tonight.

Baby steps....