D. had a great analogy - that while I should expect a period of "post partum depression" after scaling a great height, I should not forget that there is indeed another mountain to climb. I'm not yet ready to venture into the next foothills, but I am forcing myself to face them and 'size them up' - meanwhile, organizing the parts of my life I've had to ignore over the past couple months.
There is a satisfaction to doing these things (housework, answering messages, allowing my body to recover from the past few weeks' barrage of junk food/caffeine/cortisol)....even if there is a bit of lingering sadness, and (probably unfounded) worry that I will never do another meaningful bit of singing again.
In the larger picture, I have gone from acceptance, to annoyed acceptance, to resentment, about the way my life is structured and dictated - while the choice to pursue a solo career is mine, I am so frustrated at the reality of still having to work several jobs to make it work. It makes me angry to still feel controlled by outside forces...what was okay at 22 does not feel okay at 32.
I have this notion - and from what I observe in other singers I have met and admired, it's true - that if I could only break through to the regional level, there would be a calm to my/our everyday existence in that I wouldn't have to spread myself so thinly. Perhaps 4 jobs could become 2 that I really enjoy - hence, freedom.
How do I get there? I have no map, no compass - only snapshots of other hikers and the direction in which they seem to be heading.
P.S. Adding today's running run-in: during my jog, saw a lady who smiled and gave me a thumbs-up, and I took out my iPod only in time to hear that whatever encouraging comment she made ended with "forward". I was sorry I'd missed the rest of what she said, until I realized that "forward" was probably the most important word for me to hear.
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