another change

As I say goodbye to 2009, I realize that I am a QUARTER of the way through this Tunnel Year. It feels like a lifetime, but in a good way... with each day, I am redefining what I truly want as an artist, and what success means to me.

It was one year ago that I began a very rewarding journey with regards to my physical health. It began with the complete elimination of dairy products, and included a new exercise regimen, and the daily use of a neti pot... the combination of all these factors allowed me to go off all medications.

C's mom gave me a book I'd requested as a Christmas present: The Kind Diet, by the not-so-clueless Alicia Silverstone. I am fascinated, and totally inspired to avoid MEAT for a couple weeks, just to see how I feel. I will also continue to be diligent about avoiding sugar (which is usually not difficult for me, not having a sweet tooth to begin with, but this time of year it's almost impossible). I must admit that it is for selfish reasons. While the facts about animal cruelty are horrific, it is still difficult for me to make the connection when I eat meat, in its normal context. However, she lists the many, many health reasons - among them, the lessening of PMS symptoms. I would do ANYTHING to alleviate what I can only describe as horrible suffering that I have gotten used to enduring for TWO WEEKS a month. That's half of life, spent miserable and mistrusting of my feelings, never sure if my response to the world around me is legitimate, or hormone-induced.

Anyway, I will begin 2010 with this new regimen, and pay attention to how my body responds. It will be difficult, since we are still visiting family who are all in "holiday" mode (i.e. wine, pie, steak, decorative bowlfuls of M&M's everywhere I look, etc.). But I would love to head off the next PMS attack, if at all possible. If I feel myself weakening or getting tired of being mocked, I will remind myself of how bad I will feel later.

Here we go.....

love demonstrated in many forms

I suppose that, in a way, I did the "march in" yesterday. It didn't feel very good at all.

In my fantasies about doing so, I was only focusing on how bad I tend to feel after a rehearsal with the adult choir - but forgot that the person to whom I owe so much, the person to whom I answer, the person who (as was confirmed for me yesterday) relies on me, and cherishes me, a great deal. The good news is that I will have the ideal arrangement and am free to move forward - but I left feeling rather guilty.

I call him The Boss, but he is, and was long before now, Friend. I know that everything will work itself out, and 10 years from now no one will remember Easter 2010 or that I was gone. But he and I will remember this time of renewal and acknowledgement of a very significant friendship. What better time for such things, than Christmas?

staying on the rails

Amazing, how easily I can be dragged down. On the singers' forum, there are queries and braggings and general anxiety-sharings. On Facebook, singers mention their holiday gigs and concerts.

And then, all of a sudden, I feel like a failure.

I have control over this, of course. I can choose not to visit these sites, not to let them invade me. I must remain true to my goals, and to the HARDEST WORK OF ALL: staying positive. When I am staying on R.E.A.D., truly acknowledging the present and seeing that it is all very good, and keeping my eye on future joys and plans - I am quite content. No, more than that...I'm actually very happy. I must not let anyone or anything derail that.

Off to exercise, and perhaps some more flooring work - and then C. and I will brave the holiday shopping frenzy.

P.S. Floor progress! :)

initial thoughts on Lucia

D. and I delved in, yesterday. After reading through a synopsis, taking a quick scan of all her text as I highlighted my part, translating the first aria and conversation with Alisa, and singing the first part of it yesterday:

I believe she is mentally unstable from the beginning. What the music tells me is that, for her, it all comes down to Darkness and Light. All is minor and foreboding, until she speaks of sources of light - at first the moon (a sudden shift to Major), then the phantom's glow, and then when she first describes her love for Edgardo, "he is the light to all my days".

She experiences a sudden giddiness (musically) when she speaks of blood. It thrills her. Perhaps Color is the next best thing to Light, if Light is not provided? She lacks the ability to create anything but Darkness for herself, and must always look to another source. Perhaps the Phantom appears to have something she covets?

The libretto dictates that Lucia is always in reaction to an event outside of herself. Various people and their behaviors provide Dark and Light. We know that Darkness, in the end, gets its way with her, and she succumbs.

What is the journey? The insanity must make sense for her. There must be a reality that I can create for this character, so that there is a linear (if logically and morally skewed) arc.

Perhaps the reason she finally gives in to Raimondo's pious manipulation is that she has been told, all her life, that religion will provide the Light that makes her so happy. She believes, for a brief spell, that marrying Arturo is merely a small detail that fits into a bigger plan that will lead her to Light.

And then she suddenly wakes up, and sees the reality of the wrong man in her bridal chamber. Darkness has returned. And so, if she cannot have Light, she will have Color!!!!

By the infamous "mad scene", Lucia sees nothing else, hears nothing else - except an inexplicable call (as illustrated by the flute or water whistle) to join her Phantom, where there can be Color and Light forever.

now is a lovely time

I've been back on the R.E.A.D. program for a couple of days now.

Rest

Exercise

Attitude

Diet

I feel so much better. There are occasional moments that threaten to rob my peace and bring back an old pang - such as when singer "friends" text me from NY, complaining or bragging.

I simply choose not to engage. This spring will be about:

- keeping my head down, working and getting financially stable - and possibly saving for what's ahead

- making arrangements for the schedule/lifestyle shifts that are coming soon (piano students and church)

- finishing the floors so that our condo is in top condition and no longer a source of stress

- throughout all of this, and on a daily basis: learning Ophelie and Lucia. What a luxury to have so much time to truly learn and absorb these two characters!

The world will keep turning outside of this, and there will always be singers who are more and less "successful" than I - but for me, it was never about them, anyway.

Besides, the present is quite lovely. It's Christmas-time, and I'm truly enjoying the small things: hot tea, rain on the roof, candles and blinking lights while Chad and I watch "House" reruns and just enjoy being home together.

the promise

State of things:

- I look back on the fall audition season and acknowledge the score: 7 auditions, 2 positive responses (though one of those positives wasn't from an audition at all). For a soprano - a coloratura at that, I suppose those numbers are pretty great.

- From the above, my mind spins out two threads:

1. First, the Positive: a constant self-reminder that I have two very exciting projects ahead of me, and while they feel very far away at the moment, I can at least do something every day to work toward preparing myself. It's going to be a beautiful spring and summer.

2. The Negative: disappointment over the singing career I wish I had, and the tendency to get bogged down in the drudgery of work, bills and how to pay them, car maintenance, schedule conflicts, diet pitfalls, rain.

From here on out, I make this decision: I will no longer dwell on the Negative. I've written it down, I've acknowledged its presence, but leave it here forever.

If I am to move forward in the intended spirit of this Tunnel Year, it's only positive thinking from here on out.

Self, that is a promise.

"screw you guys, I'm going home!"

Sometimes, Cartman (South Park) just sums it up so well.

I cancelled my second trip to NY.

With every audition, there is always the "pro" column:

- this one audition could be it! what if I get in?

- I was given an audition, and since that is rare, I should jump at the chance!

- I could possibly crash one or two other auditions while I'm there!

However, the "con" column is much longer:

- I have one scheduled audition. One.

- The odds of getting into a YAP, especially one of the top 5, are diminishing by the minute - I am a 32-year-old coloratura.

- the odds of success with crashing what is sure to be an already packed-to-the-brim audition schedule for a company doing Figaro - not so good. How many Susannas will they hear over a matter of three days? I would guess, hundreds. Even if I get heard, that's two auditions after flying across the country. Still ridiculous.

- these trips are super expensive and exhausting. While I generally tend to be macho about it and just accept these aspects as fact, the above list makes it difficult to accept them this time around.

Cancelling feels so weird to this Type-A, tenacious, persist-against-all-odds person. But logic must prevail, in this case.

I feel sad and disappointed, but mostly about the fact that this "I'm really going to go for it, one last time" year - while having a very promising feel at the beginning of fall, presenting me with some exciting opportunities for the spring - has hit a major pothole in December. Other singers with more connected management and more impressive resumes are getting 10-12 confirmed auditions in NY (some of whom don't even work that hard for this), while I was only able to secure one YAP audition, and that's because I was chosen to get heard after they cashed my $35 check.

What I really wanted was a chance to get heard for actual roles at actual companies. I am singing better than I ever have, and cannot even wedge my foot in the door to prove it.

It's discouraging, to say the least. But I am grateful for the gift I have given myself: a few days' worth of "stay-cation", as they call it - I may work on my floors and just escape, maybe watch a movie (I cannot remember the last time I did that).... and perhaps, even get started on the projects I do have ahead of me.

why?

If I can sort through recent memories of dragging my suitcase from airport to subway, through the stinky midtown-Manhattan streets (in the rain, which caught me by surprise - I now own a $20 umbrella sold to me by the good people of CVS pharmacy) - and focus on the short audition that was the reason for this trip:

The singing itself felt very solid. Not perfect - there are 3 notes in all of 'Caro nome' that worked, but need tweaking to be truly special.

The panel member whom I know, and with whom I spoke via phone recently, recognized my name when the monitor announced it, and asked for a minute's deliberation before allowing me in. This, I take as a good sign. But since they did not ask to hear my Handel, I can only assume that I am either in the running for the Alisa/Lucia cover, or not at all.

Now comes the nagging obsession over the tiny bit of information I have: my audition itself, what was said and not said; the fact that their auditions end tomorrow in Montreal; Googling the names of sopranos who have worked there in the past, Googling the men who heard me Saturday, checking the singers' forum (for what, I'm not sure), etc.

All silly, futile behavior, I admit. But, dammit! - I just flew 3,000 miles across the country, exhausted myself physically and financially, walked into that room with my game face on and opened my heart completely to strangers - and the world doesn't care!

It all has to count for something. Right?

pumped!

You know how with some auditions, you feel that it's a NO before you even begin - and with others, it's a YES?
This one is a YES, I can feel it. this was one of those days when I am truly grateful that God is in charge of things, and I am not....
I missed my 6am flight, but got onto a better (direct) one that got me here even earlier than expected.
NOLA has no practice rooms available, but the studio where tomorrow's audition is scheduled does - not only did they have ONE slot available in the exact time frame I need, but they are also cheaper.
I'm here early enough to collect myself and get to bed early. I am so glad for all the years I spent learning NYC travel (the hard way), so that I know exactly where to go and what to do.

D. sent me some reassuring and bolstering last-minute thoughts and reminders, and I have B.'s voice on my tape recorder to get my juices flowing tomorrow.

All there is left to do is: sing.

moving on, whether I like it or not

Yesterday afternoon, swiftly and succinctly, wiped me out. My coaching with B. was very efficient and productive, as always... I have a recording of us gong through each of my audition arias, fixing and cleaning - if I run things with the tape daily until I leave, I should be in good shape. He mentioned knowing folks at FGO, and I also remembered that he used to work for HGO as well.

Waiting for my next piano student, I emailed him from the car, asking if he'd put in a word at both places. I recalled my anxious anticipation.... and at that same moment, I received The Email from HGO. As rejections go, it was very kind and mentioned that sometimes a singer isn't passed onto the next round, because of "timing or repertoire".

I know this is BS, because if their upcoming season doesn't require a lyric coloratura, they wouldn't have heard me in the first place.

I'm disappointed and even a little angry... but if I really am honest with myself, why did I want to get into HGO? Was it because I truly feel that HGO is the answer to the career I want? Or is it because I desperately want to quit my church job, and that would have given me a valid reason?

I suspect it's the latter, which should put this latest development in perspective.

The audition this weekend makes sense to do, and I think I have a good shot. Time to force myself to look ahead. There just isn't time for me to grieve and wallow.

a little windblown

The few days spent down in southern CA, eating all kinds of naughtiness and basically lazing around, were truly good for this often spinning mind. I'd like to say I took a complete vacation from singing career worries, but it wouldn't be true.

Damn the anonymous singers' forum.... it has caused me more grief while waiting for audition results. I avoid it because of past hurts. Any singer, anywhere in the world, can get on and post a query or comment, probably not realizing the torment it causes me in my little corner. I was still allowing myself to feel the glow of how well the Houston audition seemed to go - and a bit relaxed, given that HGO still had two more audition cities to get through before the holiday, and we were told they won't finish notifying everyone about the semi-finals until December 18.

But there is always some anxiety - and in a moment of weakness, I checked the "audition" section of the forum, and an anonymous poster had announced HGO had started sending out The Emails - the day before Thanksgiving.

I suppose there's a chance that a delayed response doesn't necessarily mean I'm out. Look at OSB - they contacted me the day after the notification deadline. Still, I want validation that my audition truly was as good as it felt. I want them to have wanted me so much that there was no deliberation, no question - and in that case, an immediate response. The delay just feels bad.

In the meantime, I fly to NY for trip #1 this weekend, for an audition that makes sense on many levels....but I'm a little distracted this week; the Holiday Frenzy is starting to make itself felt. D. is away in Mississippi for 10 days, and I feel a little stranded.

Stranded or not, B. is in town today, so I need to gather myself pretty efficiently for that coaching this morning. There is no room for distraction with him, he insists on 100%, A-lane, my very best, all the time. There is love in his delivery, but it is thickly disguised. Truth be told, there's probably nothing I need more, in preparation for the NY barrage.