seeking my Happy Place

In a somewhat bleary-eyed state today, I recollect this weekend's events: two days away from email and phones, investing in quality time with my immediate family. As unbelievable as it sounds, I enjoy them. I know that not many people feel that way, and I feel blessed. My brothers are just good guys, and have picked good gals - no group of people can make me laugh the way they do....it's the kind of therapy everyone needs.

Saturday night and Sunday were St. Stephen-related events, Saturday night being a very beautiful Youth Mass that got two of my adolescent boy singers very enthused about what's possible in an effective liturgy. Building on what's working....

Sunday morning was tiring, but because both choirs combined for the first mass, I was able to (almost) ignore any negativity from the Adult Choir as the Junior Choirs elevated us all. I continue to have an issue with one male member who has developed an inappropriate attachment to me (and misinterprets it as "devotion to the choir", perhaps even to himself) - still figuring out how to deal with that situation.

Tried not to obsess about it during the 4-hour drive to Paso Robles. The gig was unusually difficult, given my exhaustion, the 110-degree heat, a snobby and uptight audience, no place for solitude/down-time, and - this was my own doing - my choice to include a brand-new aria on the program, in keeping with my own goals. This heightened my stress, especially since it opened the concert - but if I can learn from yesterday's version of it, it will have been a good idea. I now know where to take it next: B's soul-baring and intensive acting studio.

My post-performance memory is always so emotion-laden, and somewhat dangerous;

If I sang well, connected to colleagues and the audience, and felt all good things coming back to me - I feel inspired onto the next thing, whatever it is - and this propels me to sing well again.

On a day like yesterday, when I was exhausted and distracted, and even my singing of arias that "always go well" felt like a steep uphill climb - it's difficult to put the negativity aside. My tendency is to start thinking, "I suck! And I'm going to sing this rep for Cleveland next month? What was I thinking?!"

I hope that fear subsides. Usually, a good practice session or lesson (after a good night's sleep) puts me back in my Happy Place again.

But that's all for tomorrow...today is dedicated to the To-Do list.