pressure cooker

It just seems Providential that, on my 32nd birthday I decided to start this blog, meant to be kept for one year, as I move through a Tunnel into a new life chapter.... and as if in a movie, the entire journey is rapidly catapulting into a frenzied finale, as I find my way through the realization of my first Lucia - under a new and almost paralyzing kind of pressure.

I wonder how the movie ends....

Wednesday's gig was a frightening yet positive cocaine-like (as I'd imagine it) adrenaline high. It was a 2-hour Question/Answer period with an audience of retired UC Berkeley staff/faculty, with performed Lucia excerpts (frantically memorized for the occasion, and staged on the spot) followed by a discussion thereof;

Standouts, in no particular order:

- I have great onstage chemistry with my cast mates. Offstage, it's rather awkward. I am intimidated by their credits, but sense that my abilities are on par with theirs.

- JK moderated, an aspect that was like a soothing balm to my wracked nerves. I am eternally indebted to him for giving this unknown soprano a chance several years ago, starting with Faust at Livermore, etc. He not only gave the audience a thorough, entertaining, and genuine presentation, asking great questions, etc - he facilitated a really important "first meeting" between the artistic staff and singers, one that may not have gone as smoothly nor revealed our true natures to each other, had we all met in another, perhaps more formal, context. Among his kind and encouraging smiles, he gently referred to me as the "diva Angela", and something in his tone indicated "I'm proud of you, kid." Really warmed my heart.

- I learned that I am not the only one concerned about the very short rehearsal period; it was helpful to know that, even for my seasoned SFO-veteran colleagues, this is an unusual situation.

- our stage director is kind, gentle, and apparently free of unnecessary ego (seems to be a trademark of this company). However, he is primarily a choreographer, and has never directed an opera before.... I am terrified of being left to my own devices for the Mad Scene!

- most questions were either directed to me, or were about me. If the whole concept of "I am the star of this production" hadn't sunk in before Wed, it certainly has now.

I spent 3 hours with D. on the Mad Scene yesterday, and still felt so anxious about it that I looked it over before bed last night. MISTAKE! I only slept for 3-4 hours.

In dealing with all of this, all I really have to go on is my own common sense about what I can do about it today. In spite of how horrible/sleep-deprived I feel, I will do a little cleaning and organizing of our living space, practice in a methodical and efficient way, exercise, and be very diligent about the crucial winding down process that I must have in order to fall asleep.

It's very, very lonely without C. here to talk through it. I haven't heard from him yet, but from reading the itinerary, I would be very surprised if he even has time to eat. It's a really crazy schedule, and having gone on a few of these wild goose chases before myself, I know how it is, and that he would email/call if he could.

It just sucks not to have talked to him on our TENTH anniversary!

TBNL (The Boss No Longer) remembered the occasion and called, though, as did G. And I will have some nice interactions with friends in the coming week, to blow off steam.

There is a LOT of steam.