major detours

Weeks ago, S. had recommended I sing for Mr. Important @ SFO, since he will soon be leaving SF to be casting director at a German opera house. Unfortunately, he is terribly hard to get a hold of, and schedules things at the last minute. He emailed last night to say that he could only do 11am this morning, if I wanted to sing for him.

It took yesterday's lesson with D. to discover that this month's period has TRASHED me. I was still not in a good vocal/mental state this morning, but what could I do?...it wasn't a formal audition, and Mr. Important played for me himself, casting very judgmental glances my direction every few seconds. He basically asked me to sing everything in my binder, things I haven't sung in years, seemed unhappy with my audition rep - even asked for Lucia's aria, which I hadn't sung in front of anyone yet... and tore me to shreds for an entire hour. He is not a very nice person. I began to deflate fairly soon after we started, and never got back up. Let's just say I feel about an inch tall. After tomorrow's gig (singing the Lucia duet in front of the maestro with no rehearsal - I'm beyond frustrated), hopefully the distractions will subside and I can get focused and revved up again.

As I have finally admitted to D. and to myself:

Try as I might to pretend otherwise, I am absolutely frozen with fear about Lucia.
There is always some degree of trepidation for me at the start of a new role, but in past productions I have had the luxury of time that comes with a mediocre company's tendency to over-rehearse...I'm not sure how to recreate this assuredness on my own. One can only practice at home alone so much. I'm starting to feel crazy - oh, the irony. It's amazing how healthy one has to be to approach a mad scene.

However, through my daze, I have made an important discovery about the character for Lucia - and her inspiration comes from a 14-year-old student of C's. She is the exact kind of human I need to channel.

Another distraction - this week, a completely bizarre and mind-boggling offer came out of the West Coast Auditions: Constanze? Really?

I decided to say yes, but because of what I want to learn for myself, not because it's the ideal role for me. And both BV and S. think it's a good idea. D. is, as always, very protective of my voice, so he's less enthusiastic. But he will help me sing it as me, not as an imitation of someone else.

They wanted an answer by today - what a horrible time to have to make a decision like that. I hope I don't regret it later....

I thanked D., as always, for his patience. Singers are such a freakin' mess.