survival mode

Wow. I'm just really tired. It could be a combination of the following:

- living according to someone else's schedule, with no way to sufficiently prepare for each day, since the following day's schedule gets emailed very late the night before;

- the constant socializing and obligation to be "on" all the time;

- the stressful situation at home (soon to be rectifed - we move to a smoke-free home in two days);

- the unspoken layer of expectation hanging over this whole thing - on my part, on the part of those who seem to be observing me - it all feels like a test of some sort

- hoping against hope that this advances my career in some way

It's a lot. Today a fellow "young artist" and I were wined and dined by our sponsors - it was lovely and surreal to spend some time in the crazy-rich-gorgeous-perfect land that is commonplace to about 2% of the population for a while, but tonight, alone at last, with my laptop and a magazine, I am totally out of words and energy.

We carpool to Fresno, of all places, tomorrow, to spend the night in a hotel and rehearse for 2 days straight. As we prepare our Scenes program and basically seem to be "on call" for random other performances at events/luncheons/restaurants/functions about town - we are also part of a very elaborate and strangely conceived travelling Macbeth production. It was originally to start in Fresno, pass through Santa Barbara, and end in LA. There are rumors of budget and casting issues, so it looks like we're now going through all the trouble and expense of rehearsing and staging the whole thing only to be performed ONCE in Fresno, and then only in concert version in SB. It seems rather wasteful to me - especially since those paying for it (e.g. the people I was with today) think Macbeth was a poor choice, given the economy and the fact that they already did a weird/modern opera last year. Those blue-hairs want their standards (Carmen, La boheme, Madama Butterfly, La Traviata, etc).

Much like the envelope full of receipts I'm collecting, there are piles of thoughts that will just have to wait until I land safely at home to sort out. I'm totally in survival mode right now....