And of course, our prayers do not change God. They change us.
These concepts came full circle as I went through rehearsals yesterday. As with most mornings right now, I did my best to take it easy physically, doing whatever exercise my instincts tell me is right for that day - not too much, not too little. And there is Facebook and the radio to keep me distracted as I wait to just jump in and do it already! By 4pm, I was reviewing the staging with my Tenor (his first day back after illness). There was some tension as his over-eager understudy advised him, and Tenor had his own (often conflicting) ideas - for me, it was an exercise in graciousness as I just rolled with it and tried to get along with everyone.
[I'm also hoping he's not still contagious, as we are obviously in close contact. I do not have an understudy].
Hence, by the dinner break I was exhausted. I drove to a quiet neighborhood to eat my leftover veggie burger and unplug for a while. It occurred to me that the worry is what is most exhausting, second only to the need to pretend that I am confident and comfortable in the role of prima donna. One can only uphold a charade for so many hours per day.
I find that I get depressed by the dinner break - I'm not sure if it's that I'm coming down off of caffeine, or a drop in blood sugar levels, etc. But yesterday I decided to give in to it, and just be tired. I just rested my eyes, there in the sanctuary of my car, played around on my phone, just decompressed. And while I was doing so, I remembered P.E.'s post.
It occurred to me that perhaps I might try to approach rehearsal with the same concepts in mind:
1. To just be where I am, in terms of A. my actual process of learning to sing this well and bringing the character to life, and also, B. my fear. Using my fear, and even celebrating it - letting it motivate the character, looking at it as a strength: that perhaps the image is not a cowering, fearful person - but more like a quivering, vulnerable, out-on-a-limb human being, courageously exposing one's true and imperfect self - which frankly, is the best state in which we connect with each other as artists, with our audience, with others offstage, and to God.
2. Trust in a positive outcome. This needs no elaboration.
3. Forgive - or perhaps better put in this context - let go. Let go of misgivings about whether or not I belong here.... the fact is, I'm here. Let go of that which I cannot control - board members sitting in on rehearsals unannounced, critics, who attends on which night, being liked or not (ooh, a big one).
I can't say I was a perfectly enlightened being when I arrived for the 7pm rehearsal last night, but my experience was markedly different, and I even felt more at peace. Whether it was evident to those seeing and hearing me, I don't know - but I felt that I had stronger footing.
The downside, of course, is that I was so elated from this small personal triumph, that I couldn't get to sleep last night.
What can I say? - I'm a work in progress.... and another day begins.
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