"screw you guys, I'm going home!"

Sometimes, Cartman (South Park) just sums it up so well.

I cancelled my second trip to NY.

With every audition, there is always the "pro" column:

- this one audition could be it! what if I get in?

- I was given an audition, and since that is rare, I should jump at the chance!

- I could possibly crash one or two other auditions while I'm there!

However, the "con" column is much longer:

- I have one scheduled audition. One.

- The odds of getting into a YAP, especially one of the top 5, are diminishing by the minute - I am a 32-year-old coloratura.

- the odds of success with crashing what is sure to be an already packed-to-the-brim audition schedule for a company doing Figaro - not so good. How many Susannas will they hear over a matter of three days? I would guess, hundreds. Even if I get heard, that's two auditions after flying across the country. Still ridiculous.

- these trips are super expensive and exhausting. While I generally tend to be macho about it and just accept these aspects as fact, the above list makes it difficult to accept them this time around.

Cancelling feels so weird to this Type-A, tenacious, persist-against-all-odds person. But logic must prevail, in this case.

I feel sad and disappointed, but mostly about the fact that this "I'm really going to go for it, one last time" year - while having a very promising feel at the beginning of fall, presenting me with some exciting opportunities for the spring - has hit a major pothole in December. Other singers with more connected management and more impressive resumes are getting 10-12 confirmed auditions in NY (some of whom don't even work that hard for this), while I was only able to secure one YAP audition, and that's because I was chosen to get heard after they cashed my $35 check.

What I really wanted was a chance to get heard for actual roles at actual companies. I am singing better than I ever have, and cannot even wedge my foot in the door to prove it.

It's discouraging, to say the least. But I am grateful for the gift I have given myself: a few days' worth of "stay-cation", as they call it - I may work on my floors and just escape, maybe watch a movie (I cannot remember the last time I did that).... and perhaps, even get started on the projects I do have ahead of me.