As I re-read my very first post of a year ago, I reflect on where I was; I had a sense of heading into a Tunnel of transition - a dark and frightening one, at the end of which I truly believe was - is - bright light.
I'd say that the biggest surprise is how much joy there was to be found in that Tunnel. We don't have to know where we're going to enjoy the ride (not to suddenly start speaking "bumper sticker").
Am I closer to knowing what's at the end? Probably not. But perhaps that's what one's earthly life is - an ever-shifting Tunnel, one with a promise of light at the end which, at some times, seems nearer, than it does at others.
I do see very real evidence that by setting my sights higher on the horizon, by heading into this past singer's season with a better sense of my own value and values, I managed to scoot my way up a rung on the ladder.
Not that it's ever been about altitude. It's more about air quality.
I look back at the questions I had one year ago:
"How will I define myself within a business (opera) whose rules of engagement, politics, and definition of success, are so solidly etched, so unchangeable? How does my life, the person God created me to be, fit into that machine? And perhaps a followup to that question is, MUST I fit into it?"
If any progress has been made by this struggling human being this year, it is my understanding that my true happiness is begotten of recognizing the so-called 'machine' as the vehicle for my art - but that IT fits into ME. I am a slave to no one, and certainly not my singing career. I define it on my terms. There is so much living to do, that does not fall into the category of Accomplishment=Reward.
I sometimes fantasize that Europeans have a better sense of how to achieve that healthy balance, but I know, deep down, that it's a decision that comes from within, regardless of one's native country.
You know that I am still waiting for answers about what lies ahead, this coming season...whether or not I will officially leave church work behind and start the solo life of the soloist. Whether or not I will expand my horizons, my loves, my heart's focus, beyond work. I promise to return and post any updates, as a way of tying up any loose ends I am setting down at this moment.
And so, dear, faithful and few readers of my humble blog: I am grateful for you, for your support, for your empathy. It has been quite a ride.
Namaste.
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