I have a wonderfully kind and loving husband. I was very anxious about the trip, not only because of what had to be arranged for me to be gone, but I am still recovering from the flu and have more stress ahead of me this week (a flight to LA, and 2 auditions amongst teaching, church choirs, and opera chorus).
Wanting to be a supportive wife/buddy, I kept arguing that I should go. In the end, we let a rescheduled flight be the final "sign", and I acquiesced.
It's right.
In the meantime, I cannot believe how tense I am as I wait to hear from OSB. I am on edge, can't sit still, and as self-therapy my mind is obsessing over little things that don't matter....
It's not that OSB is The Answer. It's just that I have, on several occasions, been an "almost" for a few lower-level YAPs, but never chosen. I am so ready, so desperately ready, to get noticed, to get a break. In spite of how many fishing lines I have in the water, every bite has this gigantic - and disproportionate - pull.
I might as well just admit to myself: I want OSB to choose me, and I want Houston to choose me. It would mean I'm IN, on the radar - not to mention the-right-kind-of-busy from April 1 onward for a year - hence free to diminish my roles as piano teacher and choir director, free to just sing. I can't deny that my mind has played out all the wonderful ways in which my life would change - if I could just get a YES. I know that "His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways", but just once, could they be one and the same?
The other admission is this: if Monday night rolls around and I learn that I didn't get the OSB position, I will be very sad - and as I board the plane for LA the self-doubting gnomes will say "if you can't get into this smaller program, what makes you think Houston is a possibility?"....
Is there any way I can otherwise occupy the gnomes, so that they don't find me?
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