singer envy

As with every opera chorus performance, last night everything onstage went without a hitch - boringly and predictably so. It is a strange paradox to find myself in the midst of art, and to be totally unengaged, totally shut out of the creative process. As a chorister, our job is to react - but not in a way that draws attention. To sing well - but not so much as to stand out in any way.

I find myself wanting, more and more, to make a clear distinction between that which falls in the "day job" category, and that which falls under Singing. If I am not singing/performing/radiating with my full body and spirit in the capacity to which I am capable, I'd rather be doing something completely different. Which is why I prefer to teach piano, rather than voice. Why I'm looking into temping/clerical work. And why I detest the opera chorus.

All of its banality, negativity, and wasted time I could withstand in quiet resentment, retreating to a book, or knitting project, when not onstage. However, I constantly find myself being pulled into interaction with people who masquerade as my "friends" - but really, they are competitors watching my every move. Unfortunately, my recent successes have been "outed" amongst the chorus, and last night over the cheese-and-cracker table, I found myself oscillating between two evils: apologizing for my recent achievements, or admitting my excitement only to have it dampened by sarcasm and bitterness. When it became known that I'd been one of seven singers auditioning for Nic yesterday, the response wasn't "congratulations, how did it go?" - but rather, "how did you get that?"

One of these "friends" made sure to list all of the impressive auditions he has coming up, and also made sure to diminish the specialness of any auditions I have. He seemed to feel it necessary to make me aware that I'm not the only one beating a path to NY next month. Many, many other snide and sneaky comments were made - under the veil of "friendly banter" - to put me back in my place.

Oddly enough, while I'd expect this behavior from other sopranos, this is all coming from men. On reflection, perhaps this is how men behave with each other, and there is no harm meant. I do feel hurt and aggravated, all the same.

Among those 6-7 of us "upwardly mobile" singers whose dreams of a solo career haven't yet died:

We ALL sign up for the chorus re-audition in December. We ALL hope for reasons not to return.

It's time to break out my knitting projects and books, and to promise myself, as I finish the chorus season: do not engage.