waiting for deliverance

Another Sunday morning survived. I sometimes wonder what kind of person succeeds as a church choir director - one must be the liturgical musician and all that goes with that, and on the other side of that coin, needs to accept his/her role as minister. This is the aspect that is sure to scare away mostany classically trained, professional musician - which is why church music tends to, for lack of a better word, suck.

I seem to be good at the second aspect, but it just bleeds me dry. It really affects me - every interaction leaves me feeling sapped of energy, even invaded. Every Sunday morning, I pray for the strength to endure all of the high-maintenance personalities that seem to demand a great deal of my attention every week, and driving home I often feel angry, irritated, and depressed.

The self I usually recognize as the opera singer is unrecognizable on Sunday. Even when I try to bring myself back to that reality - sometimes during the homily, or wherever I can steal a few moments away from people - by saying to myself, "remember Santa Barbara! remember Lucia!" - I still can't quite bring myself back.

And of course, there are some very real worries related to this church job now. In no particular order, they are:

1. The December audition trips to NY. Yes, that is plural - because I have a gig for Festival (which, for obvious reasons, I must do), and the auditions I've been given are spread over the course of 2 weeks - I will have to go to NY twice. What that means is:

• Fri, Dec 4 - fly to NY
• Sat, Dec 5 - auditions, then fly home
• Sun, Dec 6 - THE BIG MASS (opening of the new building, about which I couldn't care less - but the Boss wants all choirs, cast of thousands, etc.)
• Wed, Dec 9 - fly to NY again
• Dec 10-13 - auditions
• Mon, Dec 14 - fly home

I will have to apologize, cajole, plead, explain, etc. my way out of yet another Thursday night rehearsal & Sunday of masses - especially since it will be during Advent. I feel exhausted thinking about it.

2. OSB is of course, a wonderful opportunity. After 10 years of trying to get into ANY young artist program, it has finally happened. However, this one requires my presence in Santa Barbara for 5 weeks - and those 5 weeks begin during....wait for it...... HOLY WEEK. Holy SHIT is more like it. The Boss might have a heart attack when I tell him - which is why I will wait until after Dec 7.

While I'd love to quit completely, a 5-week engagement doesn't quite justify that yet - so I will have to agree to a solution that lets me return to my job when I come home. It probably means finding a long-term sub and forgoing my paycheck during the month of April. Logistically, after the awkwardness of telling the Boss, it will probably work fine - but I am so sensitive to conflict/strife of any kind, and am very anxious about that initial "sit down".

Beyond, that, of course, I hope I get into Houston's (Sept-May) Studio. How could I not hope for that? If I did, it would certainly justify quitting the church job. That's not the reason for wanting to get into the program, of course, and I dream about it happening every day.... but especially on Sunday - every time I have to water down my voice to sing "Table of Plenty" on a mic.....every time I get ogled by lonely old men who will say anything just to get an "oh, you poor thing" out of me....every time I get snapped at by our bitchy queen of a sacristan, or ignored by a Boss whom - irony of ironies, is too busy being a priest to have time for people.

Come on, Houston, come through and get me out of here!!!!