treading water

C.'s grandmother died yesterday. How do I feel? Certainly not sad, just accepting of the facts. Lest I sound completely cold-hearted, I must explain that she was Irish Catholic (with all the stereotypes that suggests), crotchety, eccentric, hardened by many East Coast winters, and was often just plain mean to both of us. She was much more enjoyable as an idea, than in person.

The funeral is this weekend, so off we go. Today I am running down the list of arrangements to be made so that I can be absent for a weekend. I am rather relieved to only have to cancel/reschedule piano lessons and church stuff, as opposed to a singing-related event. The opera chorus schedule remains a persistent pain in the ass, but the paychecks are necessary.

The priority right now is arranging life around next week's audition. I told a 'white lie', using the funeral trip as an excuse to be at home Monday night to prepare for that.

I'm so used to revolving my life around auditions....sometimes I wonder what it will be like when that's no longer my M.O.

I just read an article about the Met debut of a soprano I heard long ago at Jarvis, with whom I had a brief encounter - she being the older, wiser, "cool" kid who was focused and headed to NY, I the very green and hopeful high school graduate who'd been told I have the Gift. Ten years older than I, here she is at the top. The review wasn't great, and instead of feeling any sort of jealousy, I just feel sorry for her being under so much pressure. I cannot imagine what that's like.

Then again, it's all relative. We enter the track at our own pace, in our own lane, and that particular lane has its own pressures and promises. It does no good for me to keep glancing at the runners next to me - their stories are their own, and while I may learn helpful tips from them, comparisons are totally useless.

Still........ on a low day, I'll browse websites of singers who are "more successful" than I, and the dreaded "should haves" and "would haves" return. Always a mistake.

I must remember that physically, my hormones are amok and I am recovering from illness - so while I may have to work harder to remain positive today, I must not give up the fight.