the heavy thing

There's this heavy thing that always weighs on me, and I'm smacked with it on occasion: the whole "when to have kids" thing.

The bottom line is, I don't feel completely free to make my own choices. This is ridiculous, because it's not true.

However, there's this progression - or perhaps, a circle - of thoughts that leads to this feeling:

1. I've been given a special gift, and years of training that's led to an ability level and skill set that makes me an artist, therefore I feel most complete and alive when I am performing onstage in a setting that utilizes all my gifts.

2. In order to feel complete and alive often enough to make me feel happy and motivated to get up in the morning - I must pursue a classical singing career. I cannot change the game that it already is, so I must follow the protocol and guidelines already established (i.e. auditioning for bigger and better roles at bigger and better companies). As a lyric coloratura, I must be at a youthful weight, be attractive, a good actress, a perfect singer (perfect, while other voice types only have to be good. Don't get me started on that), and have names to drop to get me in the door.

3. Trapped in what feels like an endless state of either Pre-audition season, or Audition Season, and given that AT ANY MOMENT my "big break" might happen - when will I ever feel free to get pregnant, much less take a break and notice the world around me?

I'm sure that my thinking is flawed at some point during the above progression - and I have a feeling a therapist would say that I've created my own chains, and can, at any point, choose to free myself from them. At the end of the day, I am so afraid of making the wrong choices, and wish this decision would just become clear to me.

I suppose that, if asked what I really want, my answer would be: to get that ONE break - acceptance into a young artist program, or role at a real company - that would put me on the regional map.

At that point, given that "guarantee" - especially if it were scheduled for a year or more down the road, I would feel free to get on with it.

Then again, perhaps the fact that I'd rather revolve pregnancy around the career, than revolve the career around pregnancy - is a sign that in my heart of hearts, I'm just not ready. And maybe, when I am ready, that will become clear to me, and I will shift my priorities without any outside signal or validation.