validation

Day 6 of being a veggie - and actually, Day 3 of being a vegan (which is ideal, but probably too hard for me to follow, realistically)....... I cannot believe how much energy I have. I seem to have kicked caffeine, overnight. I think I will keep caffeine as an emergency-only indulgence, but for now, with my current schedule, there's no reason to keep pumping it into my system.

Also, PMS has yet to show up. Could this be the miracle I've been hoping for??

More floor progress - this time, the dining room.

I've been listening to Ophelie's mad scene, sung by the incomparable Natalie Dessay.... I figure, if I'm going to learn a French coloratura piece, she's the MAN. Woman. Whatever. I'll translate it tonight, and perhaps see about renting the Branagh version of Hamlet this weekend. I suppose I could read the play, but I don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to glean every nuance from a cold Shakespeare reading - it's been a while since I was a college freshman.

I started the temp job at the accounting firm today. This was my first experience in an office environment. While I am grateful for the extra cash, the mindless repetition, the cut-and-dry, black-and-white nature of it that I never have to take home with me - it is amazing how so many people spend so much of their lives in florescent lighting, engaging in shallow conversation, and using a small percentage of their intellectual capabilities. I suppose the CPA's are doing real work in their offices, but the walls are very thin; I was filing and piling in a room next door to one of the partners, who gabbed on the phone, loudly I might add, for the entire 4 hours I spent there. There seemed to be very little substance in these apparently important business calls.

In the end, I am so very glad that my life is about art, and not about....well....nothing.

curses! foiled again

Well, I'm sick. I guess the new job will start tomorrow, or whenever I'm better.

In the meantime, I suppose it's a reminder to slow down and take things one at a time. While I'm anxious to jump into practicing, and laying down floors - perhaps today I will need to prioritize and be careful. I have, at least, found recordings of what I need to learn - so I can feel good about doing something about it. That is what truly alleviates worry.

In the meantime, I've just gotta kick this thing.

2010: a wild ride

So far, so good, regarding the elimination of meat/dairy. I feel lighter, have more energy, and my skin is clearing up. It's Day 19 for me, so it may be too soon to determine whether or not this alleviates my usual 10 days of horror.

In the meantime, I cancelled a local gig last night, so that C. and I could fly straight home to get ourselves back into the swing of things before IT all starts tomorrow. Laundry's done, groceries bought, today we put the Xmas stuff away and try to rest a little. These three months will be a challenge, as I start this new job tomorrow (a little nervous, not because it matters, but because I'm conscientious and veering into unknown territory - an office! Eek!). It is REALLY going to be a challenge each day to be disciplined about learning Ophelie and Lucia amidst everything else I'm trying to accomplish before March 29. Then again, I tend to get more done when I'm busier.

I had an unexpected sadness last night; The Boss called to tell me he's retiring at the end of June. He wanted me to hear it from him, before he announces it this morning at masses. I am so very sad and shocked - although he is 72 years old and I should have seen it coming.

Because of my internal shifts, but also due to outside ones - 2010 will be a year of tremendous changes.

another change

As I say goodbye to 2009, I realize that I am a QUARTER of the way through this Tunnel Year. It feels like a lifetime, but in a good way... with each day, I am redefining what I truly want as an artist, and what success means to me.

It was one year ago that I began a very rewarding journey with regards to my physical health. It began with the complete elimination of dairy products, and included a new exercise regimen, and the daily use of a neti pot... the combination of all these factors allowed me to go off all medications.

C's mom gave me a book I'd requested as a Christmas present: The Kind Diet, by the not-so-clueless Alicia Silverstone. I am fascinated, and totally inspired to avoid MEAT for a couple weeks, just to see how I feel. I will also continue to be diligent about avoiding sugar (which is usually not difficult for me, not having a sweet tooth to begin with, but this time of year it's almost impossible). I must admit that it is for selfish reasons. While the facts about animal cruelty are horrific, it is still difficult for me to make the connection when I eat meat, in its normal context. However, she lists the many, many health reasons - among them, the lessening of PMS symptoms. I would do ANYTHING to alleviate what I can only describe as horrible suffering that I have gotten used to enduring for TWO WEEKS a month. That's half of life, spent miserable and mistrusting of my feelings, never sure if my response to the world around me is legitimate, or hormone-induced.

Anyway, I will begin 2010 with this new regimen, and pay attention to how my body responds. It will be difficult, since we are still visiting family who are all in "holiday" mode (i.e. wine, pie, steak, decorative bowlfuls of M&M's everywhere I look, etc.). But I would love to head off the next PMS attack, if at all possible. If I feel myself weakening or getting tired of being mocked, I will remind myself of how bad I will feel later.

Here we go.....

love demonstrated in many forms

I suppose that, in a way, I did the "march in" yesterday. It didn't feel very good at all.

In my fantasies about doing so, I was only focusing on how bad I tend to feel after a rehearsal with the adult choir - but forgot that the person to whom I owe so much, the person to whom I answer, the person who (as was confirmed for me yesterday) relies on me, and cherishes me, a great deal. The good news is that I will have the ideal arrangement and am free to move forward - but I left feeling rather guilty.

I call him The Boss, but he is, and was long before now, Friend. I know that everything will work itself out, and 10 years from now no one will remember Easter 2010 or that I was gone. But he and I will remember this time of renewal and acknowledgement of a very significant friendship. What better time for such things, than Christmas?

staying on the rails

Amazing, how easily I can be dragged down. On the singers' forum, there are queries and braggings and general anxiety-sharings. On Facebook, singers mention their holiday gigs and concerts.

And then, all of a sudden, I feel like a failure.

I have control over this, of course. I can choose not to visit these sites, not to let them invade me. I must remain true to my goals, and to the HARDEST WORK OF ALL: staying positive. When I am staying on R.E.A.D., truly acknowledging the present and seeing that it is all very good, and keeping my eye on future joys and plans - I am quite content. No, more than that...I'm actually very happy. I must not let anyone or anything derail that.

Off to exercise, and perhaps some more flooring work - and then C. and I will brave the holiday shopping frenzy.

P.S. Floor progress! :)

initial thoughts on Lucia

D. and I delved in, yesterday. After reading through a synopsis, taking a quick scan of all her text as I highlighted my part, translating the first aria and conversation with Alisa, and singing the first part of it yesterday:

I believe she is mentally unstable from the beginning. What the music tells me is that, for her, it all comes down to Darkness and Light. All is minor and foreboding, until she speaks of sources of light - at first the moon (a sudden shift to Major), then the phantom's glow, and then when she first describes her love for Edgardo, "he is the light to all my days".

She experiences a sudden giddiness (musically) when she speaks of blood. It thrills her. Perhaps Color is the next best thing to Light, if Light is not provided? She lacks the ability to create anything but Darkness for herself, and must always look to another source. Perhaps the Phantom appears to have something she covets?

The libretto dictates that Lucia is always in reaction to an event outside of herself. Various people and their behaviors provide Dark and Light. We know that Darkness, in the end, gets its way with her, and she succumbs.

What is the journey? The insanity must make sense for her. There must be a reality that I can create for this character, so that there is a linear (if logically and morally skewed) arc.

Perhaps the reason she finally gives in to Raimondo's pious manipulation is that she has been told, all her life, that religion will provide the Light that makes her so happy. She believes, for a brief spell, that marrying Arturo is merely a small detail that fits into a bigger plan that will lead her to Light.

And then she suddenly wakes up, and sees the reality of the wrong man in her bridal chamber. Darkness has returned. And so, if she cannot have Light, she will have Color!!!!

By the infamous "mad scene", Lucia sees nothing else, hears nothing else - except an inexplicable call (as illustrated by the flute or water whistle) to join her Phantom, where there can be Color and Light forever.