tested in fire

In an e-tussle over *money* with a coach. These kinds of issues make my stomach just burn with the upset, even when I know I'm in the right. I have validation from other objective parties, but am still in a state of waiting for the situation to resolve.

Now I will glance at my Blackberry every 5 minutes in fear, dreading that little red flashing light that indicates the possibility that another volley has come in.

Especially in this business, there is a such thing as being right, but blacklisted. This has happened with a few people in my singing life, and it's always unfortunate and distressing. As a conscientious "pleaser", it's so hard for me to stand my ground without letting it totally depress me.

I suppose I should feel grateful for these lessons. How else will I ever learn to deal with these matters and protect myself? As C. reminded me this morning: if I am really about to "climb the ladder", the choices and compromises will only get more difficult and complicated...

a soprano's perogative

Well, in my search for an mp3 of "Have Peace, Jo" I did find a couple of YouTube postings. Even sung by a very good soprano in the context of the production, I HATE it. It is dreadfully atonal, and, it being a death aria, I don't see how I can perform it effectively, standing upright in an audition setting.

I'm sayin' NO to that one. Damn the $10 I spent on it. Perhaps it will be of use in the future...

In desperation, I looked through my familiar and well-loved art song binder, and rediscovered "Moonfall", from Drood. What a gem that little piece is, and how I loved singing it "just for fun" when I happened upon it in college - and what do you know? It was written in 1985.

We have lift-off!

progress vs. futility

Only when I'm sick, do I seem to give myself permission to take a mental vacation. Somehow, having an excuse to call in sick and/or cancel things, frees me to finally rest - which sometimes takes form in the start of a project that has nothing to do with music.

I made a tiny bit of progress on The Floors (a little 3x3 patch, but it's a start). Like all other household projects over the last 2 years, it will be a slow transformation, but very rewarding. I finally got to use the power saw given to me by my beloved parents, for this most recent birthday. There is great therapy in measuring and sawing wood. Ah, 'tis beautiful to have control over something.

In the meantime, Fedex finally delivered my HGO-required "written in English, in my lifetime" aria - "Have Peace, Jo" from Little Women. Damn, does it look difficult!

Since I am still quite sick and in no shape to sing, I estimate that I will have about 10 days to learn it. Not ideal, but HGO took their sweet time in confirming that I had an audition at all, and I wasn't about to spend money on the music in case they rejected my application again.

I may spend hours sweating over this piece, and have to accept the possibility that they won't even ask to hear it. Them's the breaks....

front and back burners

I'm fighting a bug. I suppose it was inevitable, given the "marathon" I've just run. Still, it reminds me of the mortal and fragile nature of my instrument, and that regardless of all other considerations, sick is sick.

There is a vague sense of worry about music to learn for my November audition trip - and while I'm on that subject, indulge me a mini-rant: HGO requires an aria "in my own language, written in my lifetime" - what kind of repertoire requirement is that?! To be restricted to something written after 1977 is very strange. But I did find something - an aria from Little Women, and am waiting for that music to come in the mail - so I can start fretting over that.

I know I must decide on my NYC dates soon, but there are still application deadlines yet to pass, and many things remain up in the air. In general, I am weighing auditions according to importance (to ME). I have been denied a few auditions, and cancelled a few others. Trying to remain focused on what I really want - but it's so tempting to "just sing for everybody". Reminder to self: A legit role trumps a young artist program, while a really good young artist program trumps anything local. The desired path: better roles at better companies.

But that's not right now. Right now is about getting through the day's chores and piano lessons, snorting the Zicam every 4 hours, and praying this thing passes quickly.

dampened

Still marching. This kind of hectic schedule just dampens any motivation to think creatively, or to think at all beyond the task at hand.

I can finally exhale tomorrow.

left, right, left, right

I'm just plain cranky today. I'm in the midst of one of those marathon periods of back-to-back scheduling, when I can see my next day off way in the distance, and just hope to make it until then.

I used to constantly live my life this way, because I would be rehearsing a local show at night, and try to squeeze in St. Stephen work, teaching, exercise, practicing, lessons, coachings - and, oh yeah! time with hubby - hence not being able to be fully present for any of it.

The way I feel this morning is yet another reminder of what I'm NOT missing.

I think the worst part of it is, I've had to take on extra work this month because of having to wait so long for my first teaching paycheck. Once finances become more consistent, I can stop accepting gigs, funerals, and students that throw me off balance.

Until then, the march continues.

temptations to go backward

So, I've had an offer for a gig that, several years ago - even last year, perhaps - I would have leapt at without a second thought.

This fall, there have been several other offers that all have similar prospects to this one: it's local, would add nothing to my resume, and pays pennies.

There is a small part of me that wants to say yes, because:

- it is a chance to perform, which I'm not doing at the moment (reminder to self: by choice!)

- my ego is flattered to have been asked

In the "con" column:

- it involves so much driving, that the fee would barely cover gas money. In fact, when all tax considerations are factored in, I would probably LOSE money doing it

- it's a role I've done before (with great reviews, lots of personal/artistic growth - hence I've "been there, done that"); this time it's abridged and performed at 9am for school kids

- it's a company for which I have no desire to work, ever

- as with all local shows, we will over-rehearse because of incompetency on the part of the other singers, and those directing/organizing them. Sorry, but it's true.

- I will exhaust myself and be totally distracted - which, I have learned through experience, leads me back into habits of singing poorly. The body remembers, and when it learns - and reinforces - singing while tired, I am never able to shake that muscle memory.

After making that list, I feel so much better about saying NO.

From time to time, I will have to remind myself of my personal Rules during this Tunnel Year:

1. Only say 'yes' to the projects I really want to do: ones that will yield BETTER ROLES or work at a BETTER COMPANY. To say yes, the job must fall into one of those two categories, or both (such as the one I was offered last week, announced soon!)

2. In terms of a performance, repertoire choices, materials, image of any kind: if it's not the BEST I have to offer, don't put it out there.

3. Only tell select people - those who'd truly understand - about these rules. If you're reading this, you're one of them!